Seductive glow powerful without cable
By: Minx McCloud
My neighbor is still reeling from the shock of not being able to watch “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Monday night. She was apoplectic over missing the conclusion of “the Arabian Nights.” And, as we spoke on Tuesday morning, it was not yet clear whether she would get to see the twisted plot developments on “NYPD Blue,” her favorite.
When my husband first heard about the dispute between Time-Warner and Disney, a dispute which had knocked ABC programming off cable TV, his first words to me were, “Bet you’re glad we don’t have cable now.”
That’s right, those who know me can’t quite believe it, but there is no cable TV in the McCloud household. They are well aware that I am a bona fide television addict and am probably one of the best authorities on TV trivia — most notably sit-coms — around. They are stumped as to how I resist the temptation of cable.
We only get ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, UPN, WB, PAX and a couple of other UHF stations, including one that broadcasts only in Hindi. We also get Channel 50 here in New Jersey, for which I’m grateful, because a hurricane shifted our antennae and we no longer get the PBS station out of Newark.
Having only these stations to choose from can be irritating at times. There are certain times of the day when there is simply nothing on. During these times, I take care of non-TV-related activities — housework, my writing, my other part-time job, paying some attention to my husband, shopping, cooking, and what almost qualifies as some sort of social life. Oh, and sleeping.
If we had cable TV, many of these things would not be possible, because I would spend hours at a time hopelessly glued to the television set, cramming down fried chicken and Hostess Twinkies and throwing the bones and wrappers over my shoulder like a 21st-century King Henry.
It is for this reason that I have told Jim repeatedly that it would be foolish — nay, deadly — to introduce cable TV into our home.
The ability of cable TV to dangerously mesmerize me became glaringly evident during a recent visit to my parents’ house. Some clever salesman talked my father into “the works,” including several premium stations. He drew the line at the “adult” channels, which, quite frankly, are the ones my husband and I probably would have checked out if I hadn’t been so fascinated by reruns of “Love Boat,” “Green Acres,” “Adam-12,” and “Bewitched.”
I was completely overwhelmed. From the time my parents went to bed at 8 p.m., until about 4 a.m., when I finally gave up the ghost because my eyes were too bleary to see straight, I switched stations. I have never channel-surfed, but there were simply too many choices. I couldn’t afford to miss anything. In a frenzy, I sped up and down the dial — 69 glorious channels to visit.
How could I pass up the annual Sand Marathon in Morocco, a grueling 150-mile foot race across the Sahara Desert? (Think I’m making this up? Search for Marathon des Sables on the Internet.) However, I only watched about a half-mile of the race, because it was competing with “MASH,” “The Picture of Dorian Grey,” ice skating on four channels, and (gasp) vintage cartoons on the Cartoon Network.
Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd stopped me cold for almost 15 minutes before I moved on to a show called “Designer’s Landscape.” A guy showed me how to grade the landscaping so water on my property flows into the nearest sewer, a valuable thing to know after September’s floods.
I realize I probably should have spent more time with George W. Bush. He was speaking earnestly on CNN and I am sorely in need of political enlightenment. But I just couldn’t wait to get back to a Superman marathon I had found earlier in my travels.
I was ecstatic when they showed a favorite episode from my childhood in which editor Perry White invokes the name of “Great Caesar’s Ghost” so many times that the spirit in question finally shows up on his doorstep.
So this is what it’s all about, I thought. This is the sheer joy of channel surfing and having a multitude of shows to pick from all day and night long.
How can I ever go back to my cable-free house? Can a Sunday afternoon of golf and baseball ever compare to the joy of being able to choose from quality movies, 1960s reruns, and informative programming like “Championship Fishing,” “House Doctor,” and “Shade Tree Mechanic?”
I explained to my neighbor that she had to put television in perspective, otherwise she would end up like me, hollow-eyed, clicking channels and wondering if there’s an even better show on NIK or E! or TNT. Luckily I was able to tear myself from my parents’ demon TV and return to the eight manageable channels in my own house.
I told my neighbor that if she was really desperate, she should put a set of rabbit ears and an A-B switch on her television so she could get Channel 7 out of New York City. She stared at me in disbelief.
“Rabbit ears? An antennae?” she repeated blankly. “You mean you can do that with a regular television?”
Ah, technology.
Minx McCloud is a free-lance journalist who writes about life in New Jersey. When she isn’t glued to her set, she can be reached at [email protected].