By:Judy Shepps Battle
Pressure is a two-edged sword. Exert the right amount of pressure on carbonand you’ll eventually get a glistening diamond. Exert pressure of a differentkind that which we place on kids to achieve and you’ll get kids who areoften stressed, and who may grow up to be “burned out” adults.
This is certainly true in the educational sphere. Admission to a prestigious college or university is a competitive process that requires the building of a unique resume of high grades, extracurricular activities, and public service.
In the process of creating this public self, the most important developmental work of childhood and adolescence to explore in a joyful way one’s self and one’s relationship to the world may be placed on a back burner or ignored completely. Self-searching questions such as “What do I want to be?” and “What do I need to do to meet my goals?” are often replaced by “What do my parents want me to be?” and “What do I have to do to meet their goals?”
Kids who get trapped on the fast track of the Achievement Express often take on the characteristics of mini-adults. They are serious, focused, determined and astute people-pleasers. Teachers and parents love them because they are quietly cooperative and non-confrontational, unlike some of their more rebellious peers.
Later in life, after they have jumped through all the qualifying hoops, these kids become successful middle-aged adults but feel an inexplicableemptiness. They often become depressed, drug dependent, physically ill, anddissatisfied with their lives.
The question that was ignored during the teen years “who am I?” begins to demand an answer. Often the hard-won status and material trappings are abandoned and a simpler but more harmonious lifestyle is begun.
How can we prevent adult burnout? What can be done to put the process of self-exploration back into the growing-up years? Is it possible tovoluntarily get off the Achievement Express before getting derailed?
Burnout occurs when we do anything too fast or too soon. We pump a lot of adrenaline into an enthusiastic start, and we may work long hours and feel invincible. But, like the runner who begins a marathon by sprinting, we cannot keep up the pace and eventually fall down, exhausted.
If we must keep going our pride or livelihood depends on the activity then we often take chemicals to numb the physical and emotional pain. Addiction may set in. We forget why we began the race in the first place, but we cannot stop running.
This combination of exhaustion and “amnesia” characterizes burnout. In the case of the perpetual achiever (as he progresses from young child tosuccessful adult), the pain of burnout may negate all the economic and socialgains. Divorce, depression, and/or drug abuse are not uncommon. Suicide orsickness may be the only way a person can get off his particular treadmill.
Burnout feels like a muscle that is in a continuous spasm from overuse. The way to avoid the condition is to alternate periods of activity with periods of rest and to vary the types of exertion.
In practical terms, it means making sure that one’s heart, mind, body and spirit are all being expended and replenished. How? We need to give and accept love, create new ideas and challenge others, exercise and rest, and pray and meditate.
The simple antidote to imbalance is to stop, get centered, evaluate thesituation, and resume a more healthy mode. Most people cannot do this without support. They do not know what their bodies feel like when not in a state of overexertion.
Support and therapy groups can provide the needed help, as can private therapeutic consultation, or even watching video tapes. Once the symptoms of burnout are lifted, decisions can be made about developing a more balanced life.
The nice thing is that when one family member becomes healthier, the entire family group is strengthened. Often, the best gift a parent can give a child is to model change.
The admissions staff of Harvard University argue convincingly that going to college immediately after high school is a less-than-healthy choice for most teens. In a provocative paper, “Time Out or Burn Out for the Next Generation,” they strongly suggest that their applicants delay freshman year and take a year off to rejuvenate, explore personal interests, and discover their own goals.
I believe they are right. After over a decade of working hard to be accepted at a prestigious institution a student is rightfully exhausted. The natural response to such fatigue is rest, not the taking on of a new and highlycompetitive environment.
If questions of “who am I?” have not been addressed, this is the time to do it. Getting a simple job, a small apartment (either alone or communally), and a means of transportation can provide a transition to awareness and independence that will provide added maturity for the college years.
Harvard also suggests that high schools reduce the pressure of senior year by lessening course loads and encouraging community service. And they encourage families to focus on fun during summer and vacation times, rather than using that time to pad a college resume.
I believe these suggestions are also good.
There is a seductive grain of truth (supported by the advertising industry) that “genius babies” can be created, precocious toddlers supported, and school-age youth molded into well-rounded and avidly pursued collegerecruits. We all know that the “right” college ties can facilitate entranceonto successful career paths. And we all want our kids to be successful.
We quickly learn the “right” schools, tutors, and mentors. We seek outcoaches who can teach anything from test-taking to interviewing techniques to pitching windmill-style in softball to playing the French horn. Financialsacrifices are made, family life is positioned around carpooling schedules,and vicarious pleasure is obtained through the kids’ triumphs from honorrole to sports trophies.
What many of these kids lack are the skills to discover their own identities. Can we learn to put our own egos aside so that our kids can develop their own unique strengths and begin to discover their own mission?
Our major tool for teaching the importance of this (or any) task is to model it in our own lives. As long as we have our own eyes firmly directed at our personal self-development and our own potential, we will not have time to micro-manage our kids’ (or anyone else’s) process.
If we can place a light hand on the accomplishments of our kids, they will be free to switch directions and explore both their inner and outer world in a non-rigid fashion. That means we accept that one day our kids may be sure they want to go to Harvard and become brain surgeons, and the next they may be searching the Web for communes for school dropouts.
Life is a journey, not a destination. With love, tolerance, and faith intheir abilities, we can ensure that each of our kids emerges as a glisteningdiamond.
Judy Shepps Battle is a South Brunswick resident, addictions specialist and freelance writer. She can be reached by e-mail at
[email protected].