BLOOPERS
ADELE
YOUNG
Rich chocolate mouse won’t play hickey
Although it’s always fun to compile the list of "bloopers" that almost made it into one of our 10 Greater Media Newspapers’ publications, it’s especially nice to have some lightheartedness this year.
For those unfamiliar with this annual tradition, the editors and staff at Greater Media keep an ongoing list of some of the more amusing errors we find in our stories, as well as in press releases, letters to the editor, and e-mails from our readers, before they make it into print.
Photo captions, which are typed in quickly, are usually a bountiful source of typos and double entendres.
For instance: "Striking workers walk the pick-it line." Hoping to win the lottery?
Another caption originally read, "The truck is hauled away after it was struck by a commuter near Joline Avenue." And we thought Refrigerator Perry was huge!
"Lakewood’s junior guard Monique Randolph drives the ball to the hop." Hope they had a good time.
Impure thoughts: And then there’s the one about the drag racer… "Drag racer Tony Schumacher shares racy stories with students last Thursday." We sure hope he didn’t, even in sex education class.
Remember not too long ago when the mere mention of Monica Lewinski brought smiles to our faces…? We wrote about a councilwoman who went on and on about how "grateful she was for the assemblyman’s aide." We think the writer meant the assemblyman’s aid, not his assistant, but we’re not sure.
And while we’re thinking lasciviously, we would love to know more about this educational endeavor: "The writer/musician/teacher majored in English and Asian Student" — sounds so much more interesting than what most of us majored in.
We also had a young man playing "Tiffany drums" with his school band. Pretty pricey percussion? We, of course, changed it to timpani.
In another picture we described children at an agricultural field day "examining an insect with a walking stick." It’s good to know veterinary medicine has expanded its scope to include physically disabled insects.
Animal imagery is always good for a laugh, as in the science fair where "the students’ participation stems from their shear enthusiasm for the subject matter."
One of our retrospect stories pulled from the Red Bank Register told of a tremendous tuna: "The tuna was caught at the ‘mud hole,’ 15 miles off Long Branch. It was 9 feet 2 inches in length and measured 7 feet around. The fish was hauled out of the boat at Howard Borden’s boathouse at Rumson, and taken on a trick owned by Raymond Pullen, owner of Pullen’s Boatyards, to the Monmouth Beach icehouse for storage."
We couldn’t decide if there were tunahouses way back when, before cathouses became popular, or if this was just a fish story.
In a "sports short" e-mailed to us, a local soccer team was looking for "players born after July 31, 1988, to fill their rooster." We’ve all heard that turnabout is fair play, but isn’t it "fowl" in this case?
Speaking of roosters, another story told how "reconfiguration will ease the overcrowing at the Middle School." If politicians are involved, we doubt anything would ease the overcrowing.
In the "ouch, that has to hurt" category, we had a letter sympathizing with a family about to lose its "hand" (land) to the town through eminent domain.
That’s disgusting: "Education is needed to break the viscous cycle."
And because we like slime so much, we tried again in this headline: "Motel worker critical after viscous attack."
This assertion by a young man at summer camp would have raised a few eyebrows had it slipped by: "I like getting to go play outside every day with my friends, but my favorite thing is when we play hickey."
Time traveling: "The class of 1666 will reunite on Dec. 1." At last a chance to hobnob with the likes of Sir Isaac Newton.
In a story about a slide program about trees, we said a forester "also showed students that were hundreds of years old." Apparently, the fountain of youth has been buried in a forest all these years.
Neighbors file complaints all the time, but you know you probably need plastic surgery when Freehold Borough police respond to a "nose complaint."
Where can athletes get some pure, homegrown "nose candy"? We wrote about one of the Shore’s top distance runners making an oral commitment to attend Colombia University, New York, next fall.
"A series of unknown thefts occurred over the holiday weekend, police said." Guess the Invisible Man filed those reports.
And who says law enforcement isn’t a rewarding profession: "In May, state, county and local police raided the three local nightclubs, finding ecstasy."
The following illustrates the dangers of quoting people verbatim: "If you stop a car today, 95 to 98 percent of persons driving the car will be a sober designated driver." Unless we’re talking about a clown car, how many people usually drive one car?
New tourist attraction? "Until the addition is completed, we will make arrangements to use the existing leaning center facility as a temporary home for the early childhood program." No wonder they need an addition.
Although spell-check can be a lifesaver for the poor speller and typist, it can wreak havoc if you select the wrong suggested word, as in these two examples:
"Team to feature a number of under-clansmen in starting lineup."
"For more infuriation call …" (As if anyone needs more aggravation…)
How about this golfer’s accomplishments? "There was no similarity between his two feets, according to the coach."
Speaking of size, does anyone want to claim this lineage? "The Monmouth Celtic Festival, held May 5 this year at Oceanport’s Monmouth Park Racetrack, caters especially to the descendants of Ireland, Scotland, Whales and Cornwall, England."
Food for thought: Anyone for strolling stromboli? "While strolling the streets, international foods will be available." Finally, food that comes to us.
For the best in edible posies, did you know there’s a market in Colts Neck called Delicious Orchids?
If you’re like us, you’ve often wondered just what art does taste like.
"Other scheduled fund-raisers will include an art and wine tasting on July 14." Assume one would need good aesthetic taste to attend.
Anyone who thrives on the Survivor TV series might welcome this: "If you live for dessert, as most of us do, throw caution to the wind and try the Chocolate Phantom, a wonderfully rich chocolate mouse — so flamboyantly presented it can take a chocoholic’s breath away!" No argument there.
As much as we are grateful that we didn’t let the above gaffes get into print and as much as we would like to pretend that we caught all of our mistakes, we know full well we didn’t. We just have to look at the April 12 paper to read: "Family fled Hungry in 1939." Granted, these Hungarians may have been hungry, but that’s not exactly the point.
And we also enjoyed the classified ad that ran last January for a legal secretary: "salary commiserate with experience." Who hasn’t been down that road?
Adele Young is the news editor of Greater Media Newspapers.