Parenting Pearls: Scars of divorce linger for children

By: Mae Sakharov
   Sometimes a problem becomes so commonplace and familiar the urgency is lost.
   We can easily forget pain resulting from a wound that festers and takes time to open. Then along comes a situation, and one remembers how each experience is the first when it happens to you.
   Such was my renewed consideration of what children face and renewed compassion for the long-term effects of divorce on children. This situation arose when working with a number of students on their college applications. These students had all fallen behind at some period in high school and were trying to recoup, raise their grades and present themselves to competitive colleges.
   When the omnipresent essay question came forth about a significant life experience, the answer was the same: divorce, residual anger from the experience and unresolved hostility between parents. Remembering the discussions about their essays literally brought tears to my eyes in the early pre-dawn hours as I re-read what they had written about trying to negotiate interactions between parents who no longer communicate with each other.
   Divorce, separation and single parenthood are so prevalent in our society we often overlook the long-term ramifications to children. It is simply expected couples may split, and children may grow up shuttling between them.
   The numbers are well known: "One out of three marriages ends in divorce within 20 years as do 67 percent of all second marriages. More than one out of four children will experience the divorce of their parents by their 16th birthday" (http://www.ivillage.co.uk/).
   Even though each situation is unique, some patterns of experience for children do exist. Children, regardless of their age when a separation or divorce is in the offing, need to be assured the severance of their parents’ marriage is in no way their fault.
   Optimally, the adults who are divorcing will be able to work through their own emotional issues so they can be available to their children. When anger and hostility surround a family in this time of crisis, children will have a harder time adjusting.
   One common mistake is allowing the hostility between the divorcing parties to reach into the extended family. Children feel this loss of support acutely and are caught in the middle of situations they cannot possibly control.
   The way a divorce or separation is carried out has ramifications for generations to come. Children of divorce who have not been able to confront their anger and overcome the residual anger might carry the pain well on into adulthood. The anguish resulting from a divorce may go on for years for both the former couple and their children.
   "Ten years later, 40 to 50 percent of women and 30 to 40 percent of men remained angry at the former spouse and felt rejected and exploited" (Wallerstein, 1986).
   Divorced women with children often suffer from a decline in their standard of living so it is a small wonder children become confused when their world is overturned.
   Late adolescence is a time when children leave the nest for college and will often reflect on their childhood, hence the musing about divorce. A student on the way to college next year shared his feelings: "No matter what anyone says the scars are there in one form or another. I try not to hold any grudges against my father, however, sometimes I do feel angry when he is critical of my interests and goals for the future. Because we do not know each other well, I feel that his comments are oftentimes irrelevant or not based on a deep abiding knowledge of who I really am."
   Optimally, children need to be assured when parents divorce, they will not suffer dire economic or social consequence, that food will not be taken from their plate and provisions will be made for their care. However, this is not always the case, and life may be topsy-turvy for years. The children may never return to the economic stability to which they had become accustomed. Or perhaps one parent may disappear when divorce is final and not come back into the picture until years later, if at all. The custodial parent takes all the responsibility for child rearing, including anger, which might have been otherwise addressed by both parties.
   Young children need to be continually reassured with supportive conversations, patience and affection. They will need time and may ask repeated questions, trying to understand what has happened to the family.
   The emotional turmoil surrounding the separation and divorce can leave the custodial parent exhausted and withdrawn. These mood shifts, although understandable, are difficult for children to comprehend, especially when their sense of stability has already been compromised.
   It is also important not to leave children with the illusion parents will get back together again. Divorce is most often irrevocable; to present it in any way other than final is unfair and paving the way for unrealistic expectations that the family may be again as it was.
   Sadly, many children harbor illusions lasting for years that the family may once again be united.
   Although each situation is unique unto itself, guidelines for establishing post-divorce and separation structures that are the least harmful and disruptive to all involved exist. Except when extenuating circumstances make some kind of joint custody impossible, it is of essence is that both parties agree to spend time with their children. A child has a better chance to become a functioning adult later in life when both parties are present and involved in his or her childhood.
   I think that as long as both parents are respectful of one another’s values, the child has less opportunity to become confused by differences in opinions.
   When either or both parents remarry, the child may benefit by having four parents. I have known of situations when the parents take on new partners, giving the child the opportunity to be loved and cared for by even more people.
   The process of children coping with divorce is ongoing for children. It surfaced in college essays because the most common essay question on applications is, "what has been the most significant experience in your life?"
   Listen to one response: "When I was about 6, my parents separated, and I lived with my mom. We lived in an old house with barely any food in it. I can remember getting a loaf of bread and being so excited over it but it was moldy, and we had to throw it out."
   Those short sentences reveal the feelings of one child of divorce, and although the years have passed, the memories linger. This young man’s experience does not have to be every child’s. We, as adults, no matter how difficult the circumstances, have the responsibility to consider the ramifications of our actions in the present and years to come.