BACK PORCH: Ten tips to help you lose an unwanted Valentine

BACK PORCH by Melissa Morgan: Some advice on getting rid of a rotten beau.

   Ahhh … romance is in the air. Little birdies are chirping in a clear, crisp blue sky. Love-struck couples are walking hand in hand with an extra spring in their step and a tingly feeling in their hearts, waiting to be showered with affection and cheap chocolates.
   If you’re like most people, Valentine’s Day is nothing like this illusive scenario. With the holiday approaching faster than a man racing to Hallmark after work on the big day, I started to think about couples who may no longer feel the sting of Cupid’s arrow.
   Inspired by the latest romantic comedy I’ve been hearing so much about, "How to Loose a Guy in Ten Days," I thought about how Valentine’s Day might be the perfect impetus for someone in a bad relationship to kick their significant other to the curb and find a new love.
   Though I haven’t actually seen the movie, I decided to entertain myself by coming up with my own twist on the concept. The result — I present my list of ten tips to help you loose an unwanted Valentine. Follow along closely. Rules apply to both males and females.
   1.The ex effect: Cover your home or apartment with pictures of you and an ex in cute poses. When your Valentine asks you why decided to redecorate, start sobbing. Only cheer up when you blurt out, "Have I ever told you that you remind me a lot of my ex? Actually, that’s why I decided to start dating you."
   2. Tasteless tactic: It’s time to break out some really annoying habits. There is nothing too grotesque to fit into this category. For instance, ruin a romantic dinner by talking with your mouth full so food flies all over the table or pick up your plate and lick it clean after you’ve finished the meal. Most importantly, act like there is nothing wrong with these things.
   3. Freaky family factor: Start to tell stories about estranged relatives, like ex-con Uncle Walter or slightly psycho Cousin Eddie.
   4. Plagued past: Bring the skeletons out of the closet! Make up stories about your "messy divorce" or all of those "illegitimate children."
   5. Smothering scheme: Even if you’ve only been together for a short time, ask for an apartment or house key. If your companion hands it over, be there when your sweetie arrives home from work the next day. To score some extra points, it might help to also be watching Ricky Lake, getting potato chip crumbs all over the couch and making tons of long-distance phone calls.
   6. Stalker strategy: Start to get a little scary by driving past your significant other’s house with your headlights turned off or periodically calling him or her and hanging up as soon as you get an answer.
   7. The wandering eye: This one is simple. No one likes when his or her date constantly comments about how "hot" someone else is. Just try it and see what happens. Drool dribbling from your chin is an extra special effect.
   8. Mistrust maneuver: Show your insanely jealous side by putting on a funny disguise and trailing your partner, and make it obvious you are spying. For instance, replicate a cheesy sitcom scenario by accidentally showing up at the same restaurant where your Valentine is having a business dinner and hide your face with an oversized menu.
   9. The cunning critic: Out of the blue, ask your significant other, "Have you ever thought about getting a haircut or joining a gym?" If your mate takes the suggestion seriously and makes the changes, say you changed your mind and you prefer the old style. Repeat this over and over.
   10. Abrupt approach: Of course, the most obvious method of all is to simply tell your Valentine it’s time to move on and hope he or she takes it OK.
   But who wants to be a heartbreaker on Valentine’s Day? Sometimes it’s just a little easier to drive someone away instead of breaking the news. If this is the case, put the cards and roses aside, break out the disguises, dig up some old pictures and get to work!
   
Melissa Morgan is social editor for the South Brunswick Post. She can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].