Odd Girl Out

BOOK NOTES by Joan Ruddiman

   Lin, a school counselor pal, gave me Rachel Simmons "Odd Girl Out," with the plea, "You have to read this," followed by the admonition "It is not fun."
   I did read it and it definitely was not fun, but it is important. I bought the book.
   The complete title reveals the focus of Simmons’s research and the book — "Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls."
   Simmons is a Vassar grad, 1996, in women’s studies and political science. In 1998, she won a Rhodes Scholarship to study at Oxford. It was there, one very late night over pizza, that six women shared stories of being humiliated, ostracized and bullied by girls. Simmons, who carried the psychological scars of such an encounter when she was in elementary school, was astounded. For years, she held the secret shame of being the "odd girl out" thinking she was the only person who had ever experienced this. Now, these other bright, successful women revealed painfully similar stories, also for the first time, also with amazement that anyone else could know such pain.
   Simmons did what academic types do. She got on the Internet and researched aggressive behavior in girls. She found a lot on aggressive behaviors in boys but nothing that even hinted that girls are capable of being bullies. Now more curious than ever to determine if her experience and those of her five friends were the norm or an anomaly, she sent out an e-mail to every woman in her address file. "Do you have such a story? Have you been a victim, or have you been the aggressor in a female relationship? Please send this to your female friends and e-mail me about your experiences."
   Simmons had over 100 e-mail responses the next day. Most women said "I have never told this to anyone." Most replied because they were amazed other women also had suffered being cut out of the group, being the target of a note-passing/whispering campaign, being made the odd girl out.
   Simmons work had just begun. She next undertook a study involving several schools around the country. Because she is young, and looks young, she established rapport in the school community, spending time in classes, at games, in the hall. Then armed with food and the invitation to "hang out and chat," Rachel invited girls to stay after school to talk about their world.
   "I did something no other adult ever did. I assumed these behaviors happened, and asked girls why." Simmons notes that most adults, women especially, assume that girls are "nice" and "nurture their friendships."
   What Simmons discovered is that girls and women use the intimacy of female relationships as a weapon against a targeted girl. Abuse in friendships, even very close friendships, is not uncommon. However, new girls also can bear the brunt of trying to fit in with a new crowd. And in what may have serious consequences to the success of women in the world is the "she’s all that" phenomenon. In a society that expects kids to be successful in school, in sports, in taking the lead in extracurricular activities, girls walk a very fine line between doing well and "being good." In some of her most damning data, Simmons asks girls to provide adjectives to describe a leader. The list skews to a profile of a "not nice" girl — too loud, "bossy," "impatient." "Good girls" are passive.
   Simmons posits that the glass ceiling that holds women back from top levels of power may not be so much male chauvinism but internalized messages from little girlhood onward that demand women be "sweet," "nice," "perfect." To be "perfect" means the girl/woman can not be perceived as being "all that." To avoid hurting feelings, so as not to offend by being "all that," women hold back, play the humility game. She writes that women equate conflict with loss, where men use conflict to control their environment, to "clear the air," and move forward. Women get bogged down in mending relationships, soothing hurt feelings, and being "sweet." And they bang their head on the glass ceiling.
   Two-thirds of the book holds incredibly sad stories shared with Simmons by women psychologically damaged by other women. Through these accounts, Simmons supports her case of the hidden culture of aggression.
   As pointed out by several psychology majors, it is important to note that as fascinating as Simmons’s research is, her samples are not random, more of a sample is necessary, the stories are more testimonial than research-pure interview and Simmons’s own attitude bias her conclusions. Her objective, however, is to raise awareness of a long-neglected concern, which she does. Nonetheless, the true value in the book comes at the end when she gets to the big "so what can be done" in a chapter titled "The Road Ahead."
   For the mother reading this with her heart in her throat, actually a lot can be done to mitigate the power of other girls over your daughter. First, be aware. Monitor the time your daughter spends with other girls in unsupervised situations — like sleepovers. Encourage involvement in activities where not only is her interest nurtured, but your daughter can mingle with other girls who have like interests. Girl Scouts, for example, is founded on the principles of building strong, confident women and building a supportive sisterhood among Scouts. Involvement in team sports, musical or theater groups, book clubs, art lessons are ways to be part of a group, and be your own person.
   Performance leads to high self-esteem — say 20 years worth of studies on personal esteem. Esteem leads to confidence and lessens vulnerability.
   In reading the stories in the book of how girls suffered from the mean manipulation of one or a group of girls, the reaction is "just dump them!" Mean people have control if we give them control. However, what kind of control does a 6 year old, new-kid-on-the-block have? Simmons notes they do have parents or loving adults to admire and support them, and to comfort them.
   In a pointed chapter, she spells out what to say and what not to say, for example, "It’s a phase," or "This is the way girls are." A better response to a hurt little girl is "This happened to me…" as you empathize through recall and reflection on how you felt and what is possible to do. Simmons encourages talking with your daughter about "free" times in school, like lunch and recess to determine the state of peer interactions. She also suggests role-playing and shares examples of how to develop this strategy.
   To girls she says, "Get help…lose them…get it out…do something!"
   Her book is intended to assist girls and the women in their lives to be pro-active. She notes that the Ophelia Project, after Mary Pipher’s work, is spreading. She also continues her own research by soliciting girls’ stories via school counselors — like Lin, the amazing woman in my school, who share Simmons’s e-mail address: [email protected].
   "Odd Girl Out" is not fun to read. It is, at times, truly painful. However, every woman, particularly mothers and their daughters, need to read this book.
Joan Ruddiman is a teacher and friend of the Allentown Public Library.