Words change their meanings as life phases change.
By: Euna Kwon
Dedicated to my children, Katie, Molly and Will, who have changed my life in ways I never imagined.
There is no doubt that having children changes your life, from the way you think to the size of your waistline. But how much did you realize that by doing your part to ensure the continuity of the human race your interpretation of some of the basic definitions of the English language would change, too?
Remember the day when pampers was a verb, as in getting a manicure, a facial, a massage or a great new hairdo (example: "she pampers herself on a weekly basis, spending hundreds of dollars on new beauty rituals, guilt-free.") Now Pampers is a noun, as in: "absorbent layers of paper and plastic tucked between legs of squirming and squalling miniature human being, purchased on installment basis, guaranteed to take a good chunk out of your vacation funds and 401k."
A happy meal consisted of good food, good friends, good music and good conversation. Today a Happy Meal is a proper noun, too. It comes in a box or a bag and consists of French fries, a drink, a selection of meat and the all-important toy. You should never underestimate the importance of that toy. You may find yourself, as I did, eating a Happy Meal several days in a row, unwavering in your mission to secure the entire set of the latest character tie-ins.
Remember when the concept of chicken fingers was a little confusing, as in, "I didn’t know chickens had fingers; I thought they had claws?" Now chicken fingers have become a staple in your family’s diet, thanks to McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King.
Hitting the bottle meant imbibing some beer, some wine, a mixed drink or two. Now hitting the bottle means literally whacking the underside of a glass or plastic container to ensure the even heating of the liquid within, so the baby doesn’t burn his mouth.
Happy hour used to be exactly that, a golden period of time during which the main idea was to drink and be merry, in anticipation of dinner and the rest of the evening’s festivities. Now happy hour refers to that golden period in the afternoon, when your toddler tornado is down for a nap, or that brief golden period in the morning, when you have the kitchen and coffee to yourself. It can also refer to that golden period at night, when everyone is tucked in, and you can catch a snippet of "Friends" before you conk out, too.
Speaking of late-night TV, remember when it used to mean Carson and Koppel, Leno and Letterman? Now late-night TV means endless reruns of Barney at 2 in the morning, as you desperately try to get your child to go back to sleep.
A bouncer was a big burly specimen of human, usually male, who could be your ticket in or out of the hit new dance club. Today, a bouncer could be one of many things a springy device in which you place your baby in the hopes he’ll entertain himself; a trampoline-like enclosure you reserve for your child’s outdoor birthday party, especially when it rains; or a toddler swaddled in so many clothes he actually rebounds from the floor in the event of a fall.
A hot Saturday night meant a cute date, a short skirt, and strappy new heels. Now a hot Saturday night is most likely spent in the bathroom, with your child splashing water out of the tub and onto the floor and you.
A play date was the person you took to see Shakespeare in the Park, along with a picnic and wine to spread on a blanket under the stars. A play date did not mean a mixer for children at a fixed time on a given day, designed to enhance their socialization skills and give Mommy time to go shopping.
Sunday mornings used to mean a leisurely latte, bagels and lox, curling up with the paper, nowhere to have to go, nothing to have to do, recharging the batteries for Monday. Now Sunday mornings mean rushing off to pre-dawn hockey practice, Little League play-off games in the rain but not rained out, cheerleading and football five towns away.
A "timeout" typically happened during a sporting event. It could include the commission of a foul, the necessity of a substitution or the rechecking of a score. Now a timeout usually has a punitive connotation and most frequently occurs when some sort of unacceptable behavior has been perpetrated.
Wine and cheese parties were a delight to attend. Holding aloft a glass of red or white aloft, perhaps a Chablis, maybe a blush. You could sniff the bouquet and discuss it at length, the texture, the bite, the aroma. Cheese meant a visually pleasing array of Havarti and Jarlsberg, Camembert and Brie, with an accompaniment of crackers and fruit. The food and drink were stimulating, and conversations were, too, with elevated and often heated discussions of politics, religion, art and Wall Street.
Now you’re more likely to go to a "whine and cheese" party. The cheese is doodles and nips. The "whine" is constant "he won’t share, I want to go home, I don’t want to eat that, I want more, I want that."
A road trip was something to look forward to, windows rolled down, wind in the hair, tunes loaded, and the cooler, too. Now a road trip refers to a nightmare on wheels, fights in the back seat, crumbs all over the floor, squirting juice boxes from hell. The teens can’t hear a word you’re saying because they’re headlocked into their headphones, and all you can hear is, "When are we going to be there? I’m hungry. I’m car-sick. I’m hot. I’m cold. I need to go to the bathroom. I’m going to throw up."
Summer vacation was something to look forward to, as well: exotic adventures like trekking in Tibet, kayaking in Canada, shopping in Paris, going on safari, cruising the Caribbean. Now it means breaking the bank for theater camp, art camp, soccer camp, tennis camp or the painful alternative: almost three months of hot, sweaty torture "I’m bored. It’s my turn. She hit me. I hear the ice cream man. I’m bored. I don’t want to practice. I don’t need to study. I don’t want to play that. I’m bored. I need a new bathing suit. I need to go to the mall. Can I have a sleepover? Why can’t I watch ‘Charlie’s Angels’ again?"
Going to the movies meant checking out the hot new release before it came out on video, holding hands, maybe sneaking a smooch or two in the dark. Now it means suffering neck sprain as you’re blasted by the latest Pokemon movie, sprawled back as far as you can go in a front row seat because you were late getting to the theater on a rainy Saturday afternoon. It means getting your wallet cleaned out with purchases of popcorn, candy and soda that cost more than your food bill for the week.
And on the subject of food, remember when your grocery bill was but a blip in your budget because you ate out a lot and all you had in the fridge was milk, juice and maybe some fruit, growing fuzz? Now you need a second mortgage to pay for your supermarket buys, especially when you include all the mystery items that suddenly show up in your cart at the cash register if the kids are tagging along. OK, who threw in the six-pack of Hershey’s? We already have popsicles growing beards in the freezer.
Large expenses used to mean skiing at Lake Tahoe, a new mountain bike, a week at the spa. Now it means dance school tuition, tutors, piano lessons, braces and bar mitzvahs.
Ten o’clock used to be the time you arranged with your friends to meet up for into-the-wee-hours frolics. Now it’s the time you fall asleep on the couch, missing most of the video you paid good money to rent.
A curfew used to be ridiculous. Now it makes absolute sense: 11 p.m. is completely reasonable, young lady, I don’t care what time your friends are allowed to get home.
Happiness used to mean paying off your student loans, getting a promotion, finishing a marathon, staying up all night with your friends and watching your portfolio (not your belly) get fat.
Now happiness means seeing your child getting straight A’s, having money in the bank for college, watching your daughter’s face light up as she dances. Happiness means watching your son score the winning soccer goal, seeing the shape of your eyes in his, seeing his dad’s golf swing echoed in his form. It means going out for ice cream and getting covered with sticky hugs and gooey kisses.
Happiness means that by raising your children right, you can help make the world a better place and leave the best of yourself in it, even when you’re gone.
A resident of Plainsboro, Euna Kwon spent years in the news business with The Associated Press and as a writer, producer and on-air reporter for several television stations, including the NBC affiliate in San Francisco and the FOX affiliate in New York. A graduate of Yale University, she is active in the Princeton-area Yale Club. She and her two daughters are volunteers with Mercer Street Friends in Trenton.