Tangents: A couple of gifts I’d like to find under this year’s tree

All I want for Christmas is Osama bin Laden and Vladimir Guerrero.

By: John Saccenti
   There are just two things I want for Christmas this year — Osama and Vlad.
   That is, Osama bin Laden — America’s most-wanted terrorist — and Vladimir Guerrero — Expos right fielder and one of the top three baseball players in the game today.
   That I want each of these men neatly wrapped under my Christmas tree this year should not imply that I think Vladimir is in any way evil, mean or even slightly grumpy. Nor should it imply that Osama is anything less than evil and worthy of the worst punishment imaginable.
   The only thing these two have in common is that they’re both on the top of my holiday wish list, Vladimir roaming right field for the Mets, and Osama captured.
   I’ll admit that my obsession with Vlad doesn’t come close to my obsession with Osama. However, I frequently find myself checking the Internet for word on both. Where is Osama hiding? Did we get him yet? Where is Vlad signing? Did we get him yet?
   Sure, America and Mets fans got some good news this past weekend, what with the capture of Saddam Hussein, who even now is probably roaming a small prison cell located in the bowels of an undisclosed Navy vessel in an undisclosed ocean, and the signing of outfielder Mike Cameron, who will patrol the very recently disclosed location of center field at Shea Stadium in Flushing, N.Y.
   Not to take anything away from the acquisitions, but, frankly, I find each a pale imitation of the objects of my obsession. They are like the "second choice" gifts bought by people who, having searched high and low, were unable to locate the "hot" gifts on a wish list.
   Oh well.
   I guess I’ll be happy with whatever I get. But not as happy as I could be. Not as happy as I should be. While grateful for what I do have, I’ll probably be more than a little disappointed if I don’t get at least one of these gifts this year.
   Osama, after all, is much more evil than Saddam, and has done much more to earn my hatred.
   And Vlad is a much more complete player than Cameron, and has done much more to earn my admiration.
   Osama and Vlad.
   I want them both.
   A hard-throwing left-handed starter would be nice too.
John Saccenti is news editor for the South Brunswick Post. He can be reached via e-mail at [email protected].