We saw the worst movies of 2004 so you wouldn’t have to.
By: Jim Boyle
Shark Tale, and audiences were left looking for some bait.—>
For every great movie a film critic is lucky enough to enjoy, he or she is forced to sit through five really bad ones. Since it’s impossible to get back those hours spent grimacing at the screen, it’s a little cathartic to drag the bad ones out and take a couple more whacks at them at the end of the year.
Kids, Incorporated Whomever decided to give Hilary Duff a movie career should seriously reconsider. Her squeaky-clean image is good for her pre-teen fans, who can catch her for free on the Disney Channel. If they actually shell out hard-earned allowances to see A Cinderella Story or Raise Your Voice, their parents should have a long talk with them about wasteful spending. Meanwhile, two Hilary Duff movies don’t even equal the horror that is Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s New York Minute.
The suspense is killing me A dark-haired female detective takes up a grisly serial killer case with which she may or may not be personally connected. Quick, was I describing Taking Lives or Twisted? While you are trying to figure that out, also ponder why the heck grade-A actors Johnny Depp and Robert De Niro wasted their time with snoozefests like Secret Window and Godsend, respectively.
Thank you, sir. May I have another? When a sequel is good, it can be really good, but when it is bad, it’s downright painful. Vin Diesel is still looking for the plot of The Chronicles of Riddick. While he’s at it, he might help Jennifer Tilly find her dignity lost during the release of Seed of Chucky, which is hopefully the deathknell of that ridiculous series. He’s a wisecracking homicidal doll. We get it. In the Who Asked for It Department, we have Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Exorcist: The Beginning, The Whole Ten Yards and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.
It’s so funny, I forgot to laugh The old adage says drama is easy, comedy is hard. Well, watching bad comedy is even harder. Shawn and Marlon Wayans disguised themselves as White Chicks, Will Smith told a fishy Shark Tale, and Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah took a ride in a Taxi, all to nobody’s amusement. Meanwhile, I heard Santa Claus was really close to canceling the holidays because of Surviving Christmas and Christmas With the Kranks.
I remember you There is always that handful of movies each year that you kinda sorta remember seeing commercials for, but can’t recall when they came out or what they were about. Allow me to refresh your memories. The Cookout featured an NBA rookie teaching an uptight New Jersey neighborhood how to party while Paparazzi showed what happens when movie stars attack. Wicker Park, umm, I don’t remember, I think Freddie Prinze Jr. was in that one. Or was that Josh Hartnett? Do you really need to know more? Finally and I’m paraphrasing David Spade I wanted to see Suspect Zero, but I was sick that day.
Put down the sword and walk away I’m no history expert, but I’m pretty sure Alexander didn’t even come close to being right. Plus, I still haven’t figured out the Colin Farrell hype. Even the battle scenes in Troy were boring, while King Arthur needs to be thrown back into the lake with Excalibur.
And then there’s just plain bad This one defies all categories. Van Helsing was such a muddled disappointment of a monster movie that I wanted to punch out the projectionist after it ended. Instead, I banged my head against the wall a few times to invoke a case of short-term amnesia and forget I even saw this stinker. It didn’t work.

