Some stories that didn’t get into print in 2004

REALITY CHECK

Dawn Cariello
   
One of the big news events of the past year was Dan Rather’s flawed reporting about President Bush’s National Guard service. This was just one example of a journalist using less-than-credible information in order to break a story. Here are some slightly askew scoops that scrupulous fact checkers kept out of the media in 2004:
   Protesters demonstrated in front of Drumthwacket in response to revelations that Golan Cipel was only given the position of homeland security liaison because he was the governor’s paramour. A spokesperson explained to reporters that New Jerseyans were outraged because McGreevey outsourced the position of boyfriend to a foreigner when there were many experienced and qualified men available domestically.
   President Bush’s sudden lack of interest in his proposal for a manned mission to Mars was the result of Karl Rove’s analysis that even though Mars was red, it didn’t have any electoral votes.
   Police in Oslo, Norway, arrested Howard Dean as the prime suspect in the theft of Edvard Munch’s masterpiece, "The Scream."
   Park rangers seized Antonin Scalia and Dick Cheney during their hunting trip, which turned out to be not only ethically inappropriate but illegal because, as the rangers informed them, it was not duck season — it was wabbit season.
   Martha Stewart has been subjected to inhumane treatment at Alderson Federal Prison Camp — known as the Abu Ghraib of West Virginia. In one heinous incident, the hood that was placed over Ms. Stewart’s head and face did not match her shoes and purse.
   Oliver Stone called for a boycott of "The Passion of the Christ" because he took offense at the film’s historical inaccuracies.
   A urine test confirmed that Ken Jennings’ record-breaking run on "Jeopardy" was the result of performance-enhancing steroids that increased the strength and speed of his buzzer finger. As a result, all contestants will now be given drug tests prior to appearing on the show.
   "Hardball" host Chris Matthews took Zell Miller up on his offer to duel. The showdown ended in a draw with both men shooting their mouths off.
   Bill Clinton’s coronary bypass was unnecessary because the chest pains that prompted his hospitalization and subsequent surgery were the result of muscle strain from the repeated lifting of his 1,008-page memoir. Mr. Clinton’s doctors defended their decision to operate, saying that while surgery might not have been urgent, it would eventually have been needed as evidenced by the fully intact Big Mac they removed from one of his arteries. John Edwards will be representing the former president in his lawsuit against the hospital.
   Mary Cheney is planning to marry her girlfriend in Massachusetts and has asked John Kerry to give her away.
   Despondent that the trial of convicted spouse-killer Scott Peterson ended and desperate for another notorious murder case, cable broadcasters Larry King, Dan Abrams and Greta Van Susteren have joined forces to find O.J. Simpson a new wife.
   The Presidential Medal of Freedom was awarded to Tenet, Bremer and Franks as a fallback once George W. Bush was briefed that the original Three Stooges were deceased and thus unable to attend the ceremony.
   Bernard Kerik’s appointment to become secretary of homeland security wasn’t derailed because he didn’t pay taxes on his children’s illegal alien caretaker. The real issue was that the nanny, who has since mysteriously left the country, was Osama bin Laden.
   But if an award were to be given for the best example of reportus interruptus of a major media faux pas, it belongs to the editor who was handed a story alleging that John Kerry was poisoned by Bush operatives during the presidential campaign. The reporter cited evidence and sources purporting that Kerry was given a toxin that visibly altered his appearance. While verifying the story, the editor learned that Mr. Kerry had indeed been exposed to an appearance-altering toxin — but that it was Botox and had been injected willingly.
Dawn Cariello’s "Reality Check" column appears monthly in The Packet.