In search of the ideal New Jersey politician

REALITY CHECK, April 1

By: Dawn Cariello
   To paraphrase Mark Twain’s famous statement on the weather, everybody talks about the corruption and ineffectiveness of the state’s politicians but no one does anything about it. Instead of idle talk, I call upon my fellow citizens of New Jersey to join me in establishing a third party to liberate us from the politicians who currently dwell under the State House dome.
   The new party’s platform will borrow from the Hippocratic Oath taken by physicians, which states, "First do no harm." All candidates will take the Hypocrites Oath, whereby they will pledge not only to do no harm but to do nothing.
   Of course, taking an oath isn’t enough and success will depend upon the recruitment of candidates who, by virtue of circumstances, are most able to do the least. Only those who meet the following criteria will be eligible for nomination:
   To avoid niece and nepotism, candidates must be only-children who are single and orphaned. No family means no family members on the receiving end of pension-padding positions. To prevent the candidates from getting lonely, we’ll throw them a bone and let them have a dog (which could be used in the obligatory walk-on-the-beach footage for campaign commercials).
   To prevent inane resolutions and laws that spotlight-seeking politicians draft for the sole purpose of photo opportunities, third-party candidates must be from cultures, such as the Amish, that disdain photographs as well as all other forms of vanity. Additionally, they cannot have any health conditions requiring pacemakers, metal plates, etc., that could interfere with the clarity of the FBI wire they will be wearing at all times.
   Since serious consequences arise when politicians speak, especially in a legislative setting, the ideal third-party candidate will not speak English but an obscure language such as Khoisan, which the Bushmen of sub-Saharan Africa use to communicate via clicking sounds.
   Of course, since citizens are safest when the Legislature isn’t in session, it will be beneficial to elect people who will find it difficult to travel to Trenton. Third-party nominees should live a minimum of 2,000 miles from the state and have a paralyzing fear of trains, planes and cars.
   Politicians who have been in office a long time become too comfortable and begin to think they’re entitled to gorge at the taxpayers’ trough. Thus, third-party candidates will agree to serve only one term consisting of 15 minutes.
   Finally, as money is the root of all political evil, candidates must be willing to accept non-monetary compensation in lieu of traditional salaries and pensions. As the token of appreciation for their lack of effort, third-party politicians will be paid in beads. While these trinkets may not have street value, they will be highly prized if the recipients ever travel to Club Med or New Orleans.
   Readers aware of today’s date might think this column is an April Fool’s Day joke. It’s not. We need to employ drastic measures to clean up our state. And somewhere out there, more than 2,000 miles away, there are healthy, single, Khoisan-speaking, modern transportation-fearing orphaned Amish only-children who can save us. Because New Jersey’s political system is almost irreparably broken — no fooling.
Dawn Cariello’s "Reality Check" column appears monthly in The Packet.