Kingston woman overcomes a life of brutal violence and helps others fight domestic violence.
By: Melissa Hayes
Randi Pecan, of Kingston, waited for more than 30 years to tell her story.
Ms. Pecan entered an abusive relationship with a man in 1969. For a year, she was raped and beaten weekly. She had nowhere to go and no one to tell, so she stayed in the relationship until two weeks before her wedding.
"I knew if I married the fellow I’d be dead," she said.
Ms. Pecan told her story as part of the township’s Enough is Enough Humanity March held Sunday.
The fourth annual event was organized by the Domestic Violence Task Force, a subgroup of the township’s Commission on Women. In addition to the march and speakers, township Girl Scouts planted flowers outside the municipal complex in remembrance of the victims of the April 1999Columbine High School shooting in Littleton, Colo.
"The purpose of this march is to raise awareness of the complex issues surrounding domestic violence and school violence," said task force President Debra Johnson. "We started the Columbine patch as a way to remember the terrible things that happened at the high school, to tell our youngsters that that doesn’t have to happen."
About 60 community members walked five miles throughout the township, beginning and ending at the Municipal Complex. Girl Scouts wore their vests, proudly displaying their badges, while high school students and other participants wore Enough is Enough Humanity March T-shirts.
Ms. Pecan told her story in the meeting room of the Municipal Complex prior to the march. Ruth Anne Koenick, director of sexual assault services and crime victim assistance at Rutgers University also spoke.
Ms. Pecan said that when she was 19, she met a 27 year-old man. She had just broken up with the love of her life and stumbled into this new relationship.
"I went from this gentle man to a psychopath," she said.
As a result of her experiences over 30 years ago, she still suffers from post- traumatic stress disorder, she said.
Ms. Pecan said she was violently raped, but because things like that just were not discussed in 1969, she was ashamed. She tried to turn the situation into something good.
"I put my head on his shoulder and I tried to turn it into a loving experience," she said.
Ms. Pecan said she was afraid to leave because he made threats to harm her parents and sister if she left him.
But, two weeks before her wedding, she took a stand and spoke back to him one night when he was threatening her. She ran to her car and locked the door just as he tried to open it. Her neighbors had to come out and pull him off the car so she could drive to a police station, where she called her parents.
Ms. Pecan said because of threats made by her abuser, she feared for her life and the lives of her parents and sister.
"I made my parents promise they knew nothing to get out of the house with my sister," she said.
Ms. Pecan said her family left their home for a while and she was able to leave the country and go to the Virgin Islands where a friend had a house. When she returned, the incident was never discussed.
For years, Ms. Pecan said, she let the hatred for that man control her life as she went through several relationships that didn’t go anywhere.
"I did not know what normal was," she said.
Ms. Pecan said the march was the first time she has told her story publicly, and that it’s important that there are members of the community willing to listen.
"I wish I had told it a week after it happened, because the healing came really quick," she said.
Ms. Pecan said it doesn’t take a lot to help victims.
"One-third of the people still laying in bed are victims of domestic violence," she said. "You’re here for them until they can hear their voices. Keep your ears open. There are women that need to be heard, and they don’t need a lot. There’s not a lot you have to give to help."
Dr. Koenick has been speaking at the event since it was started. Citing the article "Aggressive parents a growing problem for teachers," published on CNN.com April 14, Dr. Koenick spoke about aggression and hostility in everyday life.
The article references the April 7 shooting of a Texas high school football coach allegedly by a parent who was upset over how his son was treated by teammates.
Ms. Koenick said there are a lot of excuses for aggression. People are under more stress, there are single parents working multiple jobs to support their families.
"They remind me of the excuses that we’ve given to men who batter, and children who bully," she said. "There is an acceptability of rudeness and aggression."
Dr. Koenick said television, especially reality TV shows, play into this.
"I think our culture has promoted the acceptability of violence," she said.
She said a survey on violence revealed that 4.9 percent of women have been sexually assaulted. Based on that math, she estimated that 1,225 of the 25,000 female undergraduate students at the three Rutgers University campuses are assaulted each year.
"There is a tremendous amount of violence that takes place in our culture each day that we don’t think about," she said.
Dr. Koenick said that when she was in college during the late 1960s, these issues were not discussed and a lot of progress has been made. But, there is still much more to be done.
According to the state Uniform Crime Report, Dr. Koenick said there were 52 domestic violence deaths in the state in 2002. In 2003 there were 57. She said that although that number only increased by five, those five people were mothers, daughters, fathers and brothers.
She said violence has become so natural, that people will argue over anything.
"There is an acceptability of fighting over a parking space," she said.
Dr. Koenick said there is a lot that can be done. Children need to be taught to talk about these issues. She said people need to value one another and parents need to take non-violent approaches to helping their children resolve problems in school.
She finished her speech with a quote from the late feminist Andrea Dworkin. Dr. Koenick said that although Ms. Dworkin 1983 quote was about rape, it could also apply to domestic violence.
"And I want one day of respite, one day off, one day in which no new bodies are piled up, one day in which no new agony is added to the old, and I am asking you to give it to me. And how could I ask you for less it is so little. And how could you offer me less: it is so little. Even in wars, there are days of truce. Go and organize a truce. Stop your side for one day. I want a 24-hour truce during which there is no rape," she said.

