McZoning for McHospitals and McApartments

GUEST OPINION, May 17

By: Patrick Sullivan
   Princeton Borough is currently studying zoning changes that would limit the construction of big fat houses often called "McMansions." This is long overdue. During the past 20 years, obesity among homes has risen significantly in the United States.
   The latest data from the National Center for Fake Statistics show that over 30 percent of U.S. homes 20 years of age and less are clinically obese. According to experts, an overweight or obese home increases the risk of many diseases and health conditions, including hypertension when making excessive mortgage payments, neighbors who have vitamin D deficiency due to lack of sunlight in their yards, and clogging of traffic arteries with large SUVs and unsightly architecture.
   At the Princeton McZoning department, suggested changes to the regulations would include no longer asking building permit applicants at the drive-up window such leading questions as: "Would you like to supersize that?" "Would you like to add a 30-foot atrium on those plans for an additional 39-cent filing fee?" and "You could add a second story on that at no additional charge."
   It is true that Princeton has an over-development problem. And like our politicians, I wholeheartedly agree that the best way to deal with any problem is always to go after the little guy — in this case the homeowner. Little guys tend not to complain as much, and besides, they don’t have as much power or cash as developers and big contractors. That may be why, at the same time Princeton is limiting homes from eating that proverbial extra bag of chips, they have rammed through a five-story parking garage and a giant apartment building that changed the character of the town.
   But, say the developers and their allies on the conflict-free development advisory board, once we get enough density downtown, we’ll have sidewalk cafes and jazz clubs. Princeton will be turned into Paris and New York rolled into one. Well, maybe so. Manhattan has about six good jazz clubs for 8 million people, so using that metric we only need to add 1.32 million more Princeton residents to get our first good jazz club. We’re headed on the right track, anyway.
   But while we crack the whip on homeowners, Route 1 is getting lots of new concrete poured, a giant new hospital is being built nearby and the four-lane Scudder Falls Bridge over the Delaware at I-95 is being replaced with a nine-lane monster. Which will immediately be filled with cars trying to get to the new McHospital and the McApartments. And maybe even the jazz clubs.
   As any obese heart patient knows, when you’ve got clogged arteries, you can either remove the clog and change your diet, or get bigger arteries and keep on eating. So when the nine-lane bridge gets crowded, we can just pour powdered concrete directly into the Delaware River, and when it hardens, paint lines on that. Then we’ll have a new road, and no need for more new bridges.
   But if anyone tries to build a McMansion on the banks of our new Delaware Expressway, we’ll pass an ordinance to keep them away from the parking lots we’ve got planned for what used to be the riverbanks.
   And did I mention there’ll be jazz clubs? Don’t worry; there will be lots of jazz clubs. With plenty of extra-wide seats.
   
Patrick Sullivan lives quietly among the McMansions sprouting up in Princeton Township.