There’s a moment in the classic Clint Eastwood movie “The Outlaw Josey Wales,” when the old Cherokee warrior, Lone Watie, is talking about his tribe’s defeat at the hands of white soldiers.
“I didn’t surrender, but they took my horse and made him surrender,” Lone Watie says sadly. “They have him pulling a wagon up in Kansas, I bet.”
That’s my favorite movie line ever, but unfortunately it has nothing to do with the topic of today’s column, which is advice to this year’s high school graduates. Fortunately, another line from that movie does apply.
As Lone Watie is talking about a trip he and some other members of the tribe made to Washington, he mentions that the Secretary of the Interior advised the Indians to “endeavor to persevere.”
“We thought about it for a long time. … Endeavor to persevere,” Lone Watie says. “And when we had thought about it long enough, we declared war on the Union.”
That quote is very appropriate to today’s column, because it sounds like so many of the incomprehensible bon mots given this time of year that make the trapped grads want to do something violent and antisocial — when what grads really need is some speeches with good, practical advice that will make their lives easier.
In that spirit, here are a very few bits of really good advice I have gleaned over the years. I don’t know that much for sure, but I’ll be glad to share what I know.
In similar columns, my friend and fellow editor, Dave Simpson, always begins with this nugget from the great Chicago columnist Mike Royko:
• Bathe regularly.
Wonderful advice. And to that, I’ll add a few more gems:
• Don’t gossip about your friends and co-workers. Be careful of anyone who does, since they’ll gossip about you. This should effectively rule out socializing with almost everyone you know.
• Go on lots of dates before you get married, even if you can only meet people your own age at the employment office. You will appreciate this advice in later years, when memories take on supernatural importance.
• Take that trip of a lifetime now, while you have fewer obligations — even if you have to travel cheap. If you wait, you’ll never have enough vacation time until you retire.
From Dave Simpson:
• When applying for a job, don’t ask your prospective boss about vacations, sick time or raises. If you do, you’ll just sound like someone who’s planning to take a lot of time off and whine about pay.
My own corollaries:
• Start sending out résumés the very first day you arrive at your new job. It often takes a very long time to find a dream job, and if you start looking early, you will eventually appreciate all the time you don’t have to work at the miserable place you’re working now.
• Be nice to people who are lower on the organizational chart than you. You never know — one day you might be working for them. Also, be nice to the older folks in the office. One day, you, too, will be past your prime and remembering the days when people in your profession worked 1,000 hours a week without griping.
On a personal level:
• Don’t go into debt buying cars, housing or fancy electronics. Live within your paycheck until you can afford to live better. If you have to get a credit card, get an old-fashioned American Express that has to be paid off at the end of the month. (I wish someone had given me this advice 35 years ago.)
• Marry someone who’s smarter than you. This is always good advice because you’re going to be facing a lot of problems in the years to come, and you know — in your heart of hearts — that you’re not smart enough to solve them all by yourself.
• Marriage is no slam dunk, and you shouldn’t expect it to be. A good marriage is like a spicy Western omelet — it’s what you get after crying over onions, yowling at chilies and breaking a whole basket of free-range eggs.
• Once you get married, don’t play the field. Remember, your spouse is smarter than you are, and they’ll always find out. Besides, if your spouse can’t trust you, how can anyone else?
• Buy your clothes on sale, but always buy the best shoes you can afford. As the wise man said, “You can always change your pants, but your feet are forever.”
The corollary:
• Buy good bourbon. The cheap stuff will make you go blind.
When, and if, you have children:
• Take them fishing, or on some other outdoor activity, and do it often. Kids who spend too much time indoors have mental problems later. Just look at Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton.
• Don’t ever expect your children to behave better than you’re prepared to behave yourself. Set a good example, even if it hurts.
• Don’t spend a fortune on the latest name-brand clothing, gadget or game, but never complain about money you spend on your kids’ books. Kids who read a lot almost always spell Kat correctly.
• Never let them eat anything bigger than their heads — unless it’s watermelon.
As you face the future:
• Get a big dog, preferably a Labrador. Trust me on this one. A dog will always love you unconditionally, even on those days you don’t really like each other.
• Have faith in yourself. You are not as lazy, or helpless, as your parents think. You will never, however, work as hard as they did growing up, or walk as far to school.
• Learn how to change a roll of toilet paper and clean the bathroom. This is particularly important for boys who want to make a good impression on girls. Girls, learn the difference between a wide receiver and a tight end. For those of you with your minds in the gutter, I really am talking about football.
• Despite what your mother says, you can never eat too much chocolate. You’re eventually going to need dentures anyway, so why deprive yourself of one of life’s great pleasures? On the other hand, beer can seldom be considered food.
Finally, another from Dave Simpson:
• Don’t ever, ever wear a baseball cap backward. You’re a graduate now. Try to look like it.
And always … endeavor to persevere!
Gregory Bean is executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers.