BY MICHELLE ROSENBERG
Staff Writer
Eleven years ago, Maureen Kanka experienced what is arguably every parent’s worst nightmare.
Her 7-year-old daughter, Megan Nicole Kanka, was violently raped and killed by a neighbor. Since that day , Kanka has honored her daughter’s memory by trying to prevent other families from going through this tragedy.
Kanka, of Hamilton, fought to develop Megan’s Law, which forces convicted child sex offenders to register with the local police before they move somewhere. She immediately educated herself on pedophiles so she would be able to differentiate facts from myths. She also decided to share this information with others by going around the entire state speaking to parents.
One of Kanka’s most recent stops was at Raritan High School, Hazlet. Roughly 100 parents showed up, many of them with their infants in hand, listening intently on how to keep their children safe from pedophiles.
Kanka lectured on many issues, including what a pedophile is, the different types of pedophiles, good touch/bad touch and Internet safety.
Kanka said there are two types of pedophiles: situational and preferential. Situational pedophiles act sexually with a child because the situation presents itself, she said. There is usually something that makes them act that way, such as alcohol or drugs, and they have fewer victims than preferential pedophiles, she said.
A preferential pedophile has a preference for the type of child they like and they seek out for their victims, she said. They can be anyone — from the ice cream man to someone in Congress, she said. They look like everyone else, and cannot be spotted in a crowd, she said. The only way you will find out that they are a convicted child sex offender is if someone tells you, or if your child becomes a victim, she said.
Kanka said that to help protect your child, the best thing you can do is educate them.
“The earlier you start, the easier it is,” she said.
Kanka said parents should talk to their kids about their body parts, and to use words like vagina and penis rather than making up words to describe those parts. She said to teach kids as young as possible that nobody is to touch or put their mouth on any of their body parts, and they are not to touch or put their mouths on anyone else’s body parts. She said to teach them that nobody but the doctor can touch them in these places, and only if a parent is in the room. She also said to let kids begin washing themselves as young as 2 years old.
Kanka said parents need to realize that loved ones can sexually abuse, too. Parents spend a lot of time teaching their children not to talk to strangers, but “stranger danger” only accounts for 20 percent of sexual abuse against children. The other 80 percent is done by people the victims know. There are people out there who only have kids so they can abuse them, she said.
She also said that children need to know that they can speak out if someone is touching them. She said that kids need to know they should tell, even if the pedophile tells them that they will hurt their family members if they do.
She said that parents need to listen and watch how they react. She said that if parents begin yelling or getting angry when asking the child questions about what happened, the child might think he or she did something wrong and begin to lie. It is important for parents to remain calm and let the child know they are upset because someone hurt them.
Kanka said that children come into the world fearless, and parents instill fear in the child. She said that if parents fail to educate their child on these issues, it is their fear. She also said that when teaching children about these things, it is important to remain calm, because they take the information in the same way it is presented to them. If the parent is panicking, so will the child.
Kanka also said that parents need to realize that this can happen to anyone; there are no exceptions.
“I’m just like all of you, and Megan was just like all of your kids. If it can happen to her, it can happen to any kid,” she said.
Kanka suggested using illustrated books to teach kids about good touch and bad touch. She said to constantly reinforce safety, and continuously repeat what you are telling them, because kids need to hear it again and again. Even if they say they know, they need to hear it repeatedly.
She said that parents should be happy to be called a nag by their kids because that means they are getting through to them.
“I wear that proudly,” she said.
Parents should talk to their children and put them in a scenario in which neighbors, family and strangers approached them and asked to take a ride in a car to find out what they would do, Kanka said. She said to teach them never to go in a house or car with anyone, even if they know that person, or even if that person looks OK. She also said to teach them never to take anything from other people.
“Teach your kids that nice people can do bad things,” she said.
Kanka said not to do anything with your child that you wouldn’t want other people doing, such as tickling their inner thigh.
Kanka said that the easiest way for a pedophile to come into contact with a child is the Internet.
“They are out there and they are waiting to prey on our children,” she said. “We need to teach and educate them to prevent this from happening.”
She said that parents need to teach kids that no matter what, they can come to them.
“Children lie because they fear retribution,” she said. “If our children ever, God forbid, become victimized, they need to know they can come to us. It is the single most important thing you can do. If you do this, it will go a long way.”
Kanka said to make sure that background checks are done on all people that volunteer around children. It is so often that when a pedophile gets arrested for a child sex crime, people express shock and say that he or she was the best person and volunteered for everything. Pedophiles often volunteer, she said, and it puts them around a group of children.
Kanka said that 94 percent of pedophiles are male, and 6 percent are female.
“Unfortunately, there’s always going to be another Megan,” she said.
The best thing to do is teach them about themselves, how to be safe, and the dangers of pedophiles, she said.
“One of the most important things you will ever do is open the line of communication with your children. It’s the hardest thing to do, but you need to know that when push comes to shove, your kids will come and talk to you,” she said.
Megan’s Law is a nationwide law that was created in 1996, two years after Megan’s death. Each state follows a different version of the law. In New Jersey, it is a three-tier law, in which all child sex offenders are placed into three categories. The first tier is for offenders with a low risk of reoffending; tier two is for offenders with a moderate risk of reoffending; and tier three comprises those that are at a high risk of reoffending.
Tier one offenders are only reported to law enforcement, and tier two offenders are reported to schools, day care centers and any organizations that are likely to encounter the offender. Law enforcement officials go door to door notifying residents of tier three offenders.
A list of offenders can be found on the state police Web site at www.njsp.org. To find out more about Megan’s Law, visit. www.megannicolekankafoundation.org.