‘Elizabethtown’

Cameron Crowe has so many stories to tell but can’t get a handle on any of them, and this film becomes one tedious bore.

By: Bob Brown
   There really is an Elizabethtown, Ky. If you’re from there, you’d probably love this movie. Ann Kowalski, an Elizabethtonian whose husband, Ron, was an extra in the film, told a reporter from the Hardin County News-Enterprise, "It’s a family movie. It’s wholesome, and one of the better movies that we’ve seen. It’s a movie that anyone would be proud of. It made you feel good to know that we were good enough to be in a major motion picture."
   Writer and director Cameron Crowe, who is the responsible party, has hit it big with other inspiring films. One film alone (Jerry Maguire) contains two catch phrases that have entered popular discourse: "Show me the money," and "You had me at hello." Unfortunately, Elizabethtown has you at goodbye. It needn’t have been that way. The problem is, Crowe has so many stories to tell, he can’t get a handle on any of them. As a result, what should have been another sweet, inspiring yet offbeat film becomes one tedious bore. Sorry about that, Mrs. Kowalski, it’s no reflection on your husband. I’m sure Ron did a standup job as a soldier, even though he was only on screen for 20 seconds. Maybe they were the best 20 seconds of the movie.
   Rural Kentucky’s languid culture is the polar opposite of Oregon, where (perhaps in Portland) Drew Baylor (Orlando Bloom) has just been shown the door at a major sport shoe company (a thinly veiled Nike). His unique running-shoe design has flopped, costing the firm nearly $1 billion in losses. Back at his apartment, he’s rigged up a clever suicide machine on his stationary exercise bike, but he’s interrupted by a call from his sister, Heather (Judy Greer). She tells him that their dad, Mitch (Tim Devitt), has died suddenly while visiting kinfolk in Elizabethtown, and Drew must go to retrieve the body. Mr. Devitt has the easiest assignment in the film. He just lies in a casket looking natural.
   On the nearly empty flight to Kentucky, an air-hostess, Claire (Kirsten Dunst), buddies up to Drew with travel tips on Elizabethtown, slipping him her cell phone number. This turns into the longest meet-cute in film history. Once deplaned, Drew makes the mistake of phoning her, then keeps bumping into her, almost falling for her, and continually not connecting with her. "You keep trying to break up with me and we’re not even going together," she tells him. That’s one of the few bits in her dialogue that makes sense. More typical of her cute lines is, "I’m impossible to forget but I’m hard to remember." What in the bluegrass blazes is that supposed to mean?
   Despite Claire’s aggressive vivacity, Drew remains as placid and bland as ever, the script notwithstanding. It is reported by local media in Hardin County that Mr. Bloom set teen hearts aflutter when he arrived for filming. With Ms. Dunst, no longer a teen, the chemistry is less reactive. And to think Mr. Crowe dismissed Ashton Kutcher from the role because he and Ms. Dunst lacked chemistry.
   The story’s messy family reunion for the funeral, the memorial service, the post-memorial service family gathering, etc., allow for all sorts of the usual Southern stereotyping, with one exception: There are no families with two or more brothers named Billy Joe-Bob. Anyone promoting this film as a tourist attraction must be tone deaf. Hardin County denizens get the Hollywood send-up. To add more humor, Drew is staying in a Louisville hotel that is completely booked by a drunken wedding party.
   Will Drew get over that billion-dollar catastrophe? Will he recover the lost bond with his father? Will he find the meaning of life in true love? Will his mother (Susan Sarandon) ever appear to belong to the same family? The answers are as pressing as which 11 herbs and spices are in the secret seasoning of KFC (the chicken formerly known as Kentucky Fried). Overall, the movie is too sweet and wuvable and jumbled to care much about.
   Meanwhile, back in the real Elizabethtown, the enterprising Chamber of Commerce has created its own Web site, promoting the history and beauty of the area. A banner on the site encourages the hordes of visitors that are expected: "The next movie we inspire may be yours," it gushes. "We’re more than a movie. We’re also a real town, full of history and fun. And if you’re out to make your next vacation a blockbuster (or at least a bit more interesting), grab your camcorder and head for Elizabethtown."
   Although you may never have heard of it, Elizabethtown seems to be historic, and beautiful and quaintly interesting. But don’t go because of this movie, anymore than you’d wander down Mercer Street in Princeton because of I.Q. On second thought, don’t go to Elizabethtown the movie. A real town beats phony sentiment every time. Go to Elizabethtown the town instead. It will be money better spent.
Rated PG-13. Contains language and some sexual references.