Women often take on a disproportionate level of responsibility and attempt to be all things to all people
By: Judith Margolin, Psy.D., in Collaboration with Gloria N. Beck
The ability to enjoy a happier marriage, to have better relationships with children and more meaningful interactions with parents, friends and colleagues is simpler than it seems.
Strategies that foster healthy relationships are the same for men and women. However, women often struggle when trying to achieve healthy relationships because of the many roles they assume as wife, mother, daughter, friend and colleague.
By incorporating strategies such as setting boundaries, maintaining separateness and balance, and enhancing communication and assertiveness in relationships, women can have satisfying interactions that enhance daily life.
Women often take on a disproportionate level of responsibility and attempt to be all things to all people. Without consciously setting boundaries in relationships, women subjugate their needs to the needs of other people in their lives. It’s quite common in our culture, in fact, for women to view taking care of their own personal or emotional health needs as selfish or indulgent.
Women need to understand that it is OK to say "no." Setting healthy boundaries in relationships and making sure to take care of themselves are vitally important priorities. Living without healthy boundaries leaves little time or energy for personal wants or needs, and increases stress, anxiety and anger. In neglecting their own needs, women often feel physically, emotionally and spiritually spent. With little or nothing left to nurture them, women end up without the energy to take care of the relationships in their lives that truly matter.
Consider the example of a mother and child. The mother drives the child to a friend’s house or the movies and picks up the child from after-school activities. As a good mother, she feels it is her responsibility to be there for her child. In the beginning, it is not a problem. As time goes on, however, the child becomes more and more demanding. The child now views this chauffeur service as his or her right and expects more and more. Resentment starts to build as the mother feels these demands are taking her away from managing her day-to-day responsibilities.
By giving away so much of herself, by not clearly establishing boundaries or communicating her resentment, the mother is draining her energy and has less to give to her family and friends. She needs to look upon herself as if she were a well. When she takes the time to nurture herself, she feels enriched, successful and appreciated. This fills up her well. When her well is full, she has more to give.
Women need to acknowledge the role they play in the various relationships in their lives and to consider taking a step back to let others assume more responsibility. A woman’s partner, children, friends or coworkers should be accountable for satisfying some of their own needs. Women need to provide them with the opportunity to succeed on their own.
A relationship is "working" when the needs of both people are mutually satisfied with a balance between interdependence and independence, a system of give-and-take. Each person relies on the other, but continues to maintain his or her own independence and individuality. Expectations about what the relationship offers a person and what a person brings to a relationship must be realistic. The goal is to be interconnected, but not enmeshed.
Open and honest communication is another important strategy in fostering healthier relationships. Women need to be assertive in expressing their needs. They need to focus on how the other person’s behavior affects them rather than on the behavior itself. This method of expression, instead of alienating others, encourages them to meet another person half way. Too often, a person’s efforts at communication come across as demanding or critical of the other person. Women need to take stock of how they currently communicate their needs to those around them. If they can foster a more empathetic exchange, where both parties become more aware of each other’s needs, everyone benefits.
In order to experience the benefits of healthier relationships it’s important to recognize that change begins with the individual. Women need to examine the relationships in their lives and the roles they play, consider what they want and then determine whether these relationships meet their your expectations. Knowing what they really want makes it possible for them to communicate their needs to others and to have those needs met.
Women need to reconnect with who they are outside of their relationships and roles, and begin to nurture their individual selves. Whether they take up a new hobby, schedule a massage, join a club or take a class, they need to do something for their self-improvement and sense of self-worth. Outside activities can reduce stress, provide balance and enhance their relationships overall.
Women need to remember that even the healthiest of relationships have their share of conflicts, disagreements and differences. The secret to successful relationships is how a person chooses to negotiate the conflicts and embrace the differences among people. Sometimes they must agree to disagree.
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Readers who would like to learn more about enhancing the relationships in their lives are invited to join Dr. Judith Margolin for "Effective Communication: The Key to Healthier Relationships" at Princeton HealthCare System’s Annual Women’s Conference on Saturday, Dec. 3. The event will be held at the Hyatt Regency Princeton, 102 Carnegie Center Blvd. in West Windsor. To register, please call (888) 742-7496 or visit www.princetonhcs.org for online registration. Registration is $45 per person.

