Superintendent Lisa Brady will have a forum for teachers and other staff in the spring.
By: Mae Rhine
WEST AMWELL At a time when youngsters are anxiously wondering if Santa will think they’ve been "naughty or nice," perhaps their parents should be wondering the same thing.
South Hunterdon Superintendent Lisa Brady will present a course for teachers and other staff this spring on dealing with difficult parents. Her handouts stress, among other things, "You gotta love ’em, but never let ’em see you sweat."
There are three types of parents, Ms. Brady said. There are those who are used to dealing with the school and understand the "proper channels."
Then there are those who have "no idea."
"These are the ones who will come into the classroom in the middle of the day and want to talk to the teacher," she said.
Then there are those who are afraid to deal with schools.
"Often, that’s a result of their own bad experience in school," Ms. Brady said. "When you peel away the layers, they are bringing their own baggage with them."
Dealing with difficult parents is something "we don’t really share with teachers and staff," Ms. Brady pointed out.
Yet, "It’s the single most important thing we do," she said.
"The most difficult parents are the ones that "bring their own baggage to the table," she said.
She said, "We can’t undo what happened to them. It can jade their relationship with the school for the child’s entire time there."
Ms. Brady relies on a different philosophy of "reaching out to parents instead of waiting for them to get in touch with you."
She advocates "positive overtures first" with teachers calling parents during the school year before anything bad happens.
Otherwise, "when you reach out to them, already something may be wrong," she said.
She also urged teachers to find positive things to say to parents about their child before talking about a problem: "This is Lisa. I want to talk to you about Margie, but first I want to say how pleasant it’s been to have her in my classroom, etc."
Then, "I’ve already connected with you. You know I don’t dislike your kid."
As she put it, "Everyone likes to receive a call, saying your kid did a really good job in class today. Then when we have to call about something else, the parents perceives you differently."
The biggest problem in schools today, she said, is most parents want to believe what their child says, "contrary to what the school believes has occurred."
She pointed out, "Depending on the parent, these situations can become very contentious and nasty."
Ms. Brady pointed to a situation last week in which a 10-year-old girl was charged with trying to poison her teacher. Police said the girl laced a teacher’s coffee with a chemical that smelled like acetone. The fourth-grader attends Franklin Elementary School in Northeast Philadelphia.
The female teacher did not drink the coffee, police said.
But the child’s mother did not believe the school or police.
"The mother said ‘my daughter said she didn’t do it, and I believe my child,’" Ms. Brady said. "But the girl was suspended because another little girl told on her."
She recalled an incident during her eight years as principal of Hunterdon Central Regional High School in Raritan Township where a fistfight broke out between two boys over a girl. Both boys had minor injuries, and the police were called."
The problem was determining who threw the first punch, she said.
"Fortunately, I had a good sense, based on prior history, who started it," she said. And the school has security cameras.
"We called the mother, and she started freaking out, saying we were out to get her son, and the school mishandled everything," Ms. Brady said. On the security cameras, "We could clearly see one boy get in the face of the other one, pick him up and throw him into a locker. Until we showed her that, she didn’t believe it. If it’s not on video, it didn’t occur."
After seeing the footage, the mother turned around and said, "’Joseph!’" Ms. Brady recalled with a smile.
She added, "And her son said, ‘Oh, well, it happened so fast, I don’t really remember.’"
Ms. Brady acknowledged the boy could have been telling the truth. But she got nowhere with the parents until they saw the video.
"That’s the most difficult thing to overcome today," she said. "Most parents are in denial of what their kid is capable of or does sometimes. That’s the way society is today: A, it did not occur, or B, I won’t believe you over my child. That’s the mentality. When we were young, if the school said something happened, it happened."
That’s what makes it so important for teachers to build trust with parents by talking to them as often as possible and responding to their calls that day, she said.
Parents, on the other hand, can’t expect teachers to call back immediately if they call at 8 a.m. They have to give them time to get back to them in between classes or right at the end of the school day, Ms. Brady pointed out.
In her experience, new teachers seem "scared to death" to deal with parents, and she stressed being prepared before talking to them.
"Don’t say ‘I don’t know,’" Ms. Brady tells teachers when a parent wants to know how a child is doing in school or what led to a bad grade, for example.
"When you make a phone call or meet with a parent, be able to refer to a roll book or grade book so you can respond confidently," Ms. Brady pointed out. "Parents often look to find fault with a teacher so don’t come to a meeting unprepared to answer questions about their child."
Another "huge thing" is the tone of voice.
"If I could give one thing (as advice), it would be when parents raise their voice, lower yours," Ms. Brady said. "I can only control myself, my body language, the way I’m reacting. I cannot control you (the parent)."
If a parent seems as if he or she will get physically threatening, Ms. Brady will end the meeting in a hurry.
"I will not subject my staff to that sort of thing," she vowed. "I will not allow them to verbally abuse the staff either. That’s not productive."
She will sit in on a meeting with parents and teachers if she thinks there will be a problem, if the parent requests her presence or if she thinks it might be helpful.
On the positive side, Ms Brady said she has always had a strong relationship with most parents.
"I like parents," she said. "I admire what they do every day at home with their kids."
And getting that trust results from relationship building, she said.
"That’s really critical," she said. "Then you’re more likely to believe me if I said your daughter stole that book out of the drawer."
Ms. Brady smiles when she tried to recall humorous situations in dealing with parents. The thing that came to mind was parents of incoming seventh-graders.
"They’ll call and ask ‘how he’d do today?" she said.
With 350 students at South, it’s hard for her to know exactly how each child "did that day."
But, following her own rule of not saying, "I don’t know," Ms. Brady will respond with "Well, I haven’t heard anything so I assume everything’s OK!"
Then she will make a point of checking to make sure.
"Parents do think the only child I have is theirs," she acknowledged. "But I have lots of fun with parents, sharing funny things. They’re a mom or a dad, and they want to be assured everything’s OK with their child."
Ms. Brady does have some words of wisdom for parents as well as teachers.
She advised them to contact their child’s teacher directly. Some parents make the mistake of going to a principal or superintendent, who will refer them back to the teacher.
"Second, keep in mind, teachers and administrators all love and care about their kids," she said. "We’re on the same page, and we all want the same thing."
Finally, "It’s really important parents view the school as a partner. Raising kids is a multipronged job that requires the best of many people."