On Point

Kitchen Capers

By: Linda McCarthy
   My sister and her husband are gourmet cooks. It’s a very serious undertaking for them. They subscribe to cooking magazines, own every culinary gadget ever made and even purchased a house based solely on the layout of the kitchen. Apparently the stove, refrigerator and sink must be situated in a way that maximizes efficiency. Who knew?
   They also work great as a team: she chops, he slices … she sautés, he fillets … she peels, and he dices. It’s really incredible. What is even more amazing is that my sister and I were born to the same parents. My idea of cooking is peanut butter and jelly on toast. Hey, I plugged in an appliance. My poor kids were raised on spaghetti sauce from a jar. They love it! As soon as they hear that familiar "pop" they know they’ll be eating soon. I think I’m performing a public service by raising boys who don’t expect too much. Some lucky ladies will thank me later!
   Back to the gourmet chefs. They recently came for a visit and offered to cook for us. Before I had a chance to respond my family cried out in unison, "THANK YOU, LORD!" I however was not all that receptive and suddenly found myself wishing I had cleaned out the refrigerator back in January like I had planned. Although I rarely go in the kitchen, suddenly I considered it sacred ground being set upon by infidels. Granted, I sound too defensive. But for 25 years I’ve managed to keep my family alive with my culinary expertise. I felt challenged.
   My brother-in-law planned a simple menu: steak, corn on the cob, potatoes, salad and dessert. I could live with that. I think I even made it once. Unfortunately my problem lies not with the actual food, it’s with the preparation. I am seriously gadget-challenged.
   Here is how the conversation went:
   Gary: I need to marinate the steak. Do you have a garlic press?
   Me: I have the Messenger-Press, I can bench press two pounds and I send Dave’s shirts out to be pressed. I’d have to say no.
   Gary: Where is your corn brush?
   Me: I have a hairbrush, a toothbrush and a toilet brush. Which one can you use?
   Gary: Do you have any sharp knives?
   Me: No, but if I did you would have known by now.
   Gary: Any cooking wine?
   Me: I guess so. How about, "I haaate to cooook!" Or maybe, "Coooking isn’t fun for meeee." Will either of those do?
   Gary: Salad spinner, seed remover, avocado slicer?
   Me: No, no, no.
   Gary: Maybe I’ll start dessert. I was thinking fruit dipped in chocolate.
   Me: I was thinking, "Why ruin good chocolate?"
   Gary: Do you have a double boiler?
   Me: I have a double chin because I never waste time melting chocolate and a boil I’d rather not discuss right now.
   Gary: Apple corer? Mellon baller?
   Me: Don’t go there.
   Gary: Grape shears?
   Me: What are grape shears and who needs them anyway? You can’t shear grapes. They aren’t wooly.
   By now I’m convinced he’s making this up. Where do you even get this stuff? I suggest we order pizza and get an ice cream cake; dinner problem solved in 20 minutes.
   As my sister and her husband were leaving I sensed their disappointment. Not being able to create a kitchen sensation left them feeling unfulfilled. I can guess what I’ll be getting for Christmas. I hope it comes with instructions.
   Linda McCarthy resides in Robbinsville with her husband and three children.