Book Notes

Raising successful kids

By: Joan Ruddiman
What parent has not yelled, "Help!" as they navigate how to raise their kids? Wouldn’t it be great to have a how-to manual, maybe something like "Parenting for Dummies?"
   Robin Schader can empathize, but even better, she is well-positioned to provide some positive answers to the challenges of parenting. Ms. Schader is funny, sensible and very smart about raising emotionally healthy kids.
   Ms. Schader is an assistant professor at the University of Connecticut in the Neag School of Education where she earned her Ph.D. She also serves as parent chair for the National Association for Gifted Children where she responds to questions on parenting and educating gifted children and also reaches out to parents and educators through articles in NAGC’s magazine, Parenting for High Potential.
   At the annual New Jersey Association for Gifted Children conference held in Princeton last weekend, Ms. Schader, as keynote speaker, captivated the audience with her knowledge of gifted children and her practical good sense about raising these unique people.
   It was her practical rather than the academic side that Ms. Schader emphasized as she introduced herself to an audience of parents and educators as "a farmer’s wife who raised three children about 60 miles from anything."
   Add to the challenge of rural living the fact that all three of her children had unique learning needs. The oldest, her son, was told after extensive testing for giftedness, "you can do anything," though doing school the way teachers expected was not high on his priority list.
   The second child, a daughter, was verbal and bright and beloved by teachers who missed that she could not read. A classic dual-exceptional child, she is both gifted and dyslexic.
   The youngest, a daughter, was a virtuoso child pianist. By age seven, the music instruction she needed was a six-hour drive — one way — to San Francisco.
   The music connection ultimately led to another life experience that shaped Ms. Schader’s understanding of gifted behavior and kids in general. Over the years spent attending to her daughter the pianist, she met other children and parents who also traveled — many from other countries — to San Francisco for a higher level of music instruction.
   Stepping up to help these children and their families, the Schaders founded "The Music House," where students could live while studying in California. Over the years, Ms. Schader nurtured more than 30 highly gifted young musicians.
   So when Ms. Schader — with all her expertise and experience — shared what research tells us about how to parent more effectively, parents were happy to listen.
   Here’s the big question parents wanted to know: "What kind of upbringing provides children with a firm foundation for success as adults?"
   Ms. Schader suggested that we think about what we mean by success and what circumstances in the home, school and community might impact that success.
   Lesson one from Ms. Schader: there is no one manual for parenting. What parents must do is be willing to think. Don’t accept what you hear as truth. Be willing to question and thoughtfully consider the circumstances of your life, home, values and desires.
   In our very high-tech world, the basic key to connecting with kids is "just talk with them." However, "with" is the optimum word here, as adults too often talk "at" kids or "for" them.
   For example, what do your kids want to do this summer? Consider your own goals for him or her. Then talk. Rather than getting frustrated with your child’s lack of thoughtfulness about calendars and credit cards, explain how planning is part of your life, with time management and spending money.
   Be problem solvers! Take what seem to be impediments to plans and work around them. Find alternatives and consider some compromises.
   Ms. Schader shared that many of her best parenting ideas — like how to entertain kids on long car trips and how to initiate conversations — were born from "sheer desperation!" She also realizes that the best solutions came from mutual problem solving with her kids. Hey, if kids are the problem, they can be part of the solution!
   "I’m bored" is a pet phrase of most kids and one of Ms. Schader’s favorite topics to explore with parents.
   She suggests that if you have a kid who lives in front of a screen — television or computer — "just vegging out" is not an option. Her response to "I’m bored" is "Terrific!" Out of boredom comes creative and innovative action.
   Here are some of her ideas on how to counteract the "I’m bored" refrain:
   Kids who read "collect ideas." Take those ideas and go deeper — via the Internet or a trip to a museum — to learn more about it.
   Kids who do anything — music, playing outside with the neighborhood kids, making up plays or shooting videos — are active learners. It is hard to be bored when kids have a range of interests to fall back on.
   "Interests are powerful," she said, and suggested several keys to how parents can help develop their children’s interests.
   Ms. Schader suggests consistency. For example, taking time for reading each day sends the message that this is truly valued. If being a couch potato is not an option, stick to that!
   But don’t just tell — talk! Communication is critical. Kids have reasons for what they like to do. Ask them! And then listen, which Ms. Schader acknowledges is sometimes hard to do when you are frustrated or short on time, but do try. Together, find options that satisfy both parents’ and kids’ needs.
   Parents provide educational opportunities, whether it is the school district you move to, the summer programs you seek out, or the day trips to places that kids find interesting and fun. Ms. Schader says the library has been a saving grace for her three kids.
   The fourth key to what parents can do is play with kids. "What a great way to model learning and model excitement for learning," Ms. Schader enthused.
   Again, the word is "with." Learn a new game with your kids. Master it together. Then the kids can play it with friends.
   So how can parents raise successful kids? Ms. Schader summarized how all types of parents can provide support for all types of kids, whether in the wilds of the west or in the confines of suburban New Jersey.
   "Parents need to be role models, partners in learning, and ‘opportunity makers.’"
   Sounds simple, but she and we know it is not. Yet it is worth every bit of a parent’s investment of time, money and emotional energy.
Joan Ruddiman, Ed.D., is a teacher and friend of the Allentown Public Library.