Abuse often borne out of hunger for control

Experts say leaving relationships safely takes planning

BY JENNIFER AMATO Staff Writer

BY JENNIFER AMATO
Staff Writer

Domestic violence will affect one out of four women in their lifetimes.In 2005, the state domestic violence hotline received 1,192 crisis and 1,397 non-crisis calls in Monmouth County, 1,470 crisis and 1,843 non-crisis calls in Middlesex County, 844 crisis and 964 non-crisis calls in Ocean County and 505 crisis and 932 non-crisis calls in Somerset County. Across New Jersey, there were a total of 18,762 crisis and 35,274 non-crisis calls, according to the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women.

“Anybody needs to be aware of the dynamics of abuse,” said Cynthia Baumgartner, of the North Brunswick Domestic Violence Team. “Extreme jealousy, isolation from family members, very controlling behavior, verbal abuse that starts out verbally and becomes physical after a while, wanting to know where you are all the time – those things start out very subtly.”

In North Brunswick Township alone there were 550 calls last year, 229 of which required cases to be opened. This year, through May, there were already 188 calls with 93 cases filed. Baumgartner said that incidents are based on the partners being very powerful and controlling and that victims unfortunately “think at the beginning that the attention is very flattering, but by the time they’re stuck in these situations it’s hard to get out of – especially if you’re married with children.”

Other ways offenders brainwash their victims is by lowering their self-esteem and self-worth, making the victim feel responsible for the abuse, threatening to take the children away, adding guilt to situations, hindering the victim’s career advancement, so they have limited real-world skills and therefore fewer opportunities for financial advancement and intimidating anyone with immigration issues, according to Jo Ann Palumbo, the director of program services for 180 Turning Lives Around, based in Monmouth County.

Baumgartner said that the majority of victims stay because they are trying to preserve their family structure. She said there is an average of seven occurrences before a victim is prepared to leave. However, it is absolutely critical for a victim who is seeking to leave the relationship to develop a safety plan first.

A review of 67 homicide-suicides of 146 domestic violence fatalities occurring in New Jersey from 1994-99 shows why the most dangerous time for a victim to leave is when the perpetrator suspects the victim will try to leave. Most incidents occurred when there was evidence of a recent separation or threat of separation beforehand, according to the New Jersey Domestic Violence Fatality Review Board report from February 2003.

In 55.2 percent of cases, perpetrators made explicit threats to kill, but only 41 percent of the cases were reported to police. Firearms were most frequently used with men killing slightly younger women in an intimate relationship, usually in a shared residence.

No age, race, ethnicity or socioeconomic status was excluded, with most victims employed in management and most suspects employed in construction or maintenance, and half of all victims and one-third of all abusers having some college experience or degree.

The dangers of leaving

Baumgartner said that 75 percent of homicides or injuries result when a woman leaves, and are based on prior mentions of threats of restraining orders or divorce. Also, she said the majority of injuries to police officers are during domestic violence calls.

“If I can’t have you, nobody will,” she said of the abuser’s mind-set. “When it’s the right time, it’s safe to go. We never tell women to just pack up and leave because it’s dangerous.”

Having keys outside, sharing a code word with a neighbor in case of trouble, packing extra clothes and storing important documents outside of the household are important steps. The Internet should not be used because of the possibility of tracking Web sites and e-mails, and cell phone calls should be blocked.

“If a batterer feels you’re calling a domestic violence agency and you’re telling on them, they’re going to be really upset,” Palumbo said.

Baumgartner suggested contacting the local police department or the Women Aware shelter in New Brunswick first for resources and planning solutions. Palumbo added that in Monmouth County there are resources such as a 60-day shelter program and transitional housing, which offers an 18-month program including housing, job skills and credit maintenance.

“I think it’s very important for them to come forward and know they are not alone and they are not going crazy and there is life after this and there is help and support,” Palumbo said, adding that her agency receives 300 calls a month.

Toll on children

Most victims reach their breaking point when their children become abused. Palumbo said statistics show that “if there is domestic violence in the household, about 40 to 60 percent of children in these families are going to be victims of child abuse because the abuser will tend to turn his attention to the children.” She mentioned Amanda’s Easel – named in remembrance of Manalapan’s Amanda Wengert, who was murdered in 1994 by a sex offender – as a program that helps provide art therapy to children who have been exposed to or witnessed abuse. There is also Second Floor, a youth helpline for day-to-day concerns.

“They’re scared, they’re angry and they’re grieving the loss of their family,” she said. “We’re concerned about the children, and a lot of clients describe when they’re adults that they were abused when they were children and they don’t know what a normal relationship is.”

For the abusers, who need therapy as well, there is Alternatives to Abuse, a program in Monmouth County that teaches offenders how to appropriately manage emotions and behavior as an intervention program, more comprehensive than just anger management. However, experts suggest that the justice system must make such programs mandatory and enforce the consequences for offenders.

“Domestic violence is a learned behavior, so we need to educate our children to not act violently. We need to really see if we can get our courts onboard and prosecute violators … because this affects everybody. Courts need to hold abusers accountable because this is not just a private crime anymore, it’s a public crime,” Baumgartner said.

Warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship

+ A need to overpower, control, degrade and humiliate

others

+ Possessiveness and jealousy

+ Mistrust or dislike of women or traditional ideas about a woman being subservient to a man

+ Sporadic verbal or physical abuse usually indicates more frequent abuse later on in the relationship

+ An inability to handle frustration

+ Poor self-image or lacking self-esteem

+ Lewdness, sexual harassment, stalking or unwanted sexual contact

+ Approximately 35 percent of incidents involve drug and alcohol abuse

+ If the partner grew up with abuse as a child, chances are the partner considers it normal and will repeat the behavior

+ Police record for violent crimes including rape, assault, battery or armed robbery

Source: the Somerset County Resource Center

for Women and Their Families