ON POINT

Blindsided by the effect of time

By: Linda McCarthy
   My mother came for a three-day visit last week. At my age, it’s difficult to have a parent living out of state.
   For one thing, the fact that I only see her once or twice a year makes the aging process very noticeable. When you see someone everyday, little things like gray hair and wrinkles are less obvious. I still think my husband looks the same as the day I met him. Of course, he is obliged to return the compliment when I say this.
   Then there is the guilt factor. My brother bears the responsibility of my mother’s care and well-being. He lives around the block from her and maintains her house as well as his own. My sister-in-law has three kids and works full time and still manages to take my mother shopping and to appointments.
   Somehow, I know this is not right. But try as I will to convince my mother to move in with me, she refuses. I don’t know what’s stopping her. It could be the excessive amount of dogs, the steady stream of tattooed teenagers or the fact that I haven’t cooked since 1998. Whatever the reason, she is not willing to even negotiate.
   During this visit, I began to suspect the inevitable: my mother is getting old. The fact that she couldn’t get anybody’s name straight wasn’t the tip off; she’s been doing that forever.
   On my wedding day, she called my husband "Bob," and I had to spend two hours convincing him I didn’t know anyone by that name. I think that little character flaw is hereditary, which is why I am in the habit of calling people "honey" and "love muffin." Rude, I know, but it spares me a lot of explaining.
   My mother’s biggest problem is her eyesight, which is fading fast. Unfortunately, this makes her feel like a burden. She isn’t. More than once she muttered, "I may as well be five feet under for all the good I am."
   I told her, "By law, I think it has to be six feet so stop feeling sorry for yourself and fold some laundry."
   My niece and nephews like to tease her. When she watches them she relies a lot on motion to know where they are. They stand still against the wall when they want to go undetected. Very fresh, but very funny.
   Knowing that next year, my mother will probably be totally blind, I asked my future daughter-in-law to try on her wedding dress. My mother stood close to her and ran her fingers over the detailing. My mom was thrilled to be included. It was a moment I was glad we could all share.
   Mom is still pretty feisty and opinionated. Despite her failing vision, in the first 15 minutes of her visit I was enrolled in Nutri-System, had an appointment for a new hair-do and was ironing the wrinkled table cloth I had put in the dining room.
   By the end of the first day, I was exhausted. Maybe it’s a good idea that she stay where she is.
   Linda McCarthy resides in Robbinsville with her husband and three children.