Lori Clinch
Are We There Yet?
Yesterday there were three empty packages of macaroni and cheese on the kitchen counter. We had no drinking glasses left in the cupboard. Someone had poured himself cereal, added a load of sugar and most of it had missed the bowl. There were dinner plates on the coffee table, football cleats on the kitchen counter and a boatload of swimwear and floatation devices strewn about the abode.
It must be summer.
At the height of my frustration, I opened the kitchen cupboard. The chips were peeking at me from their open bag, someone had used the second shelf as a serving tray for chocolate chips, and I’m sure that if I dumped the box of Fig Newtons on the front lawn, the dog wouldn’t eat them. To make matters worse, there were 14 boxes of Pop-Tarts and 12 of them were empty.
I, for one, feel that moments such as these are best handled with family presentations. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I have created some great demonstrations in my day. I’ve done my Toilet Paper Spindle exhibition, my Bend at the Waist and Retrieve Things From the Floor seminar, and my own personal favorite, You Too Can Put Shoes Away.
I couldn’t help feeling that this moment was screaming for a demonstration. Although I hadn’t yet done the Pop-Tart box demo, I was mentally preparing and knew this one could be a doozy.
I gathered my young charges around me, held up a box and asked, “Can anyone tell me what this is?”
“Oh, oh, I know,” said Lawrence as he raised his hand high in the air, “pick me!”
“It’s a Pop-Tart box,” blurted out Little Charlie. Lawrence, obviously in great despair at having his answer stolen from him, slugged Charlie and called him an idiot.
“Well,” I continued as I ignored the brawl, “can anyone guess why it would be in the cupboard when it’s empty?”
My inquiry was returned with wide-eyed stares but nary a word was spoken. “Anyone?” I asked again.
Nothing.
“Well, then I’m going to show you, my dear family, the proper techniques for removing an empty Pop-Tart box from a kitchen cupboard. First, one should ascertain as to whether the Pop-Tart box is empty or full. Does anyone know how to do that?”
I can’t say that I had their full attention or that any of them were happy to be in my audience, but they certainly seemed to be entertained.
“First we pick up the box,” I said in a singsong voice, “and we mentally weigh it using our hands and our minds. Empty box; full box. Huey, would you like to try?”
“Why, yes, mother,” he replied with a touch of sarcasm, “I believe I would.” Being a longtime veteran of my demonstrations, Huey knew it was better to humor me. He took the box from me and pretended to feel its weight before he said, “I, for one, am going to go out on a limb here and guess that this one is empty.”
“OK then,” I went on with great drama, “let’s just say that an individual, such as yourself, opened the cupboard and wanted a Pop-Tart. Do you feel that you would be able to tell, simply by hoisting the box, whether it was full or empty?”
“Could you repeat the question?” asked Lawrence.
“Can you tell, simply by hoisting the box, if it’s full or empty?”
“Can you repeat the things that we should look for?” asked Charlie.
“Never mind that,” I said as my frustration began to build. “Let’s say you looked inside and saw that the box was empty. The point is, do any of you know what to do with an empty Pop-Tart box?”
Again with the blank stares.
“You toss it out!” I said as I finally lost my patience. “You pick up the box, see that there’s no Pop-Tart in it now, nor will there ever be again. You then take the box to the recycle bin and toss it in.”
“Wow!” responded Huey as he pretended to be in awe.
Charlie said that he thought it was cool and Lawrence hopped up out of his chair and headed to get a pen so that he could, and I quote, “Write all of this good information down.”
Pretty soon book bags will replace the flotation devices, and summer will be over. But, I get the feeling that the empty Pot-Tart boxes will remain.
Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book “Are We There Yet?” You can reach her at www.loriclinch.com.