Grasping unwritten rules
Joan Ruddiman
School is around the corner, and for some children and their parents the back-to-school angst has begun.
School is not only about academics. It also has a lot to do with relationships. Anxiety about getting along and making friends (Will they like me?) can be overwhelming to children and agonizing for parents.
In "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship" (Little, Brown and Co, 2003) two wise women offer professional and very practical support.
Natalie Madorsky Elman, Ph.D., and Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., bring a wealth of academic and life experiences to this book that is aptly subtitled, "Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends." Professionally, both women work with children who struggle with learning how to fit in. They also draw on their own life experiences. Ms. Kennedy-Moore is the mother of four and Ms. Madorsky Elman is an active grandmother of five.
For over twenty years as a certified learning consultant and speech pathologist, Ms. Madorsky Elman has guided children through life lessons that teach critically important social skills. She is also the founder and director of the Summit Center for Learning in Springfield.
"It was during my first year as a teacher of learning disabled children that I realized how misunderstood children with social skill deficits can be," Ms. Madorsky Elman writes in the preface. She further notes that academic issues are addressed with care and often sympathy, but that "children with social problems were often met with irritation and rejections from both staff and students."
Ms. Kennedy-Moore is a clinical psychologist with a practice in Princeton. She works through the "getting along" issue in sessions with individual children, adults and families. In part, she addresses sibling relationships and how kids can learn the fine art of being assertive by speaking up without the attitude of talking back.
Her warm and wise advice is evident in "What About Me? Twelve Ways to Get Your Parents’ Attention (Without Hitting Your Sister)" (Parenting Press, 2005). This delightful picture book, illustrated by Mits Katayama, empathizes with the tough realities of our busy world as the author notes that when "parents get busy…children get lonely." The book — whether shared in quiet read aloud moments or as the child pages through the bright illustrations — will help children learn to make good choices in how to get the positive attention they need from distracted parents.
When these two dynamic women joined forces in writing "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship," their intent was to offer support for parents who want to support their children in becoming socially aware and successful. Drawing on their knowledge and experience, Ms. Madorsky Elman and Ms. Kennedy-Moore decode the subtle friendship by identifying and deconstructing what they call the "unwritten rules."
Chapter 1 is devoted to explaining the basic premise that every social interaction is governed by unwritten rules which explain how to interpret social cues, and how to act appropriately in social situations.
Some rules are simple, like the importance of greeting people we know. Some are complex, like negotiation is more productive than a fiat.
Some rules are guidelines rather than restrictions, and some rules are culturally based.
The bottom line is that unwritten rules are everywhere, in every social situation and some people — children as addressed in this book — just don’t get them.
However, children can be taught to recognize and utilize the rules. Ms. Kennedy-Moore writes "the book is a message of hope" and that "Once you understand how and why your child is stumbling socially, you can take steps to smooth the way for him or her."
What is most important to note is that the authors do not intend to change the nature of a child’s personality. Ms. Kennedy-Moore writes, "You can work with your child’s personality rather than against it, and help your child grow and develop in ways that fit with his or her unique strengths."
For that objective, the book is organized by chapters, which address specific personality types such as the shy child, the little adult, the pessimistic child, the born leader and those that are seen as the "different drummer."
Each chapter begins with descriptions of behaviors — "Does your child…" and "Do you…" — that help to identify the personality. The patterns of the behaviors are then examined. For example, the nature of bullying that impacts the vulnerable child or the cycle of shyness that influences the shy child.
In what should be most welcomed by parents, the authors offer "On the Positive Side." For example, the vulnerable child who has been the victim of bullying is "likely to develop an endearing tendency to understand and root for the underdog" as they "acquire a sense of fairness and a concern for justice" that "with appropriate guidance may lead to the ability to avoid and diffuse conflict."
The shy child often has "a rich inner life…thoughtful, creative, even artistic. Their ability to concentrate and work independently can serve them well throughout life."
Illustrative of the empathy and compassion the authors have for children that are one of the nine personalities that too often are labeled "difficult," they find genuine reasons to celebrate the strengths before they suggest ways to overcome the obvious difficulties the personality brings to bear on social relationships.
In the section titled "So What Can We Do," the authors offer practical applications of the unwritten rules to specific situations illustrated by anecdotes of boys and girls in strained social situations.
For example, the shy child needs to recognize the rules that "not responding makes you seem snobbish" and "kids like kids who are willing to do things with them."
Knowing the rules is just the first step. The authors then offer "Activities for Learning the Unwritten Rules." For example, the components of greeting are broken down into steps — from look the person in the eye to saying their name if you know it.
Knowing the importance of being willing to do things with others is supported with practical tips on how to recognize shared interests and how to learn the etiquette of using the telephone.
Each chapter is rich with real world situations and very down-to-earth advice.
The authors also include a section on the "home-school connection," and a section that speaks to parents who may share the same personality traits that affect their child’s social relations. Again, thoughtful compassion is applied as the authors point out the positives of shared traits and what assumptions parents should avoid as they relate to their child.
The authors’ message, that is evident throughout the book, is clearly articulated in their closing message:
"We have stressed two main themes throughout this book. First, we’ve talked about the importance of teaching your child the Unwritten Rules that guide social interactions so that he or she can relate appropriately to others. Second, we’ve talked about the importance of knowing and treasuring who your child really is."
Though nine prototypical children are discussed in depth, the authors recognize that "your child is undoubtedly a combination of several of the children." Therefore, each chapter offers and refers suggestions from other chapters to help gain a fuller understanding of the child and how to best support them.
Readers will appreciate that a full chapter is devoted to frequently asked questions, and that the appendices include recommended readings for parents and professional references. The detailed index is most helpful in using this book as a reference.
Ms. Madorsky Elman and Ms. Kennedy-Moore are not concerned about superficially making kids popular. They are deeply committed — in this book and in their professional lives — to helping kids build social skills that will help ease their way in the world, starting with negotiating the social landmines of school.
Joan Ruddiman, Ed.D., is a teacher and friend of the Allentown Public Library.