Sharing a story to help others

I was sitting in English class and suddenly felt an explosion in my chest.

By: Katie Wagner

Staff photo by Mark Czajkowski

Haley Worsthorn, 20, of Montgomery, is now a nursing and psychology student at Rutgers University.

   MONTGOMERY — Her freshman year of high school in 2001 had been filled with highs and lows — the lows including Sept. 11, when she waited for hours for news of her father, who was working in one of the World Trade Center towers.
   Haley Worsthorn’s father survived Sept. 11, but her stress that day would turn out to be a triggering experience, leading her on a three-and-a-half year journey through anxiety, depression and recovery.
   Now a 20-year-old nursing and psychology student at Rutgers University, she is determined to use her story to help adolescents through their own struggles with mental illnesses.
   Ms. Worsthorn, who is preparing for a career as a psychiatric nurse, recently educated many of her former teachers on the signs of depression by sharing her experiences as a Montgomery High School student. Her appearance was part of the school district’s suicide prevention training program.
   She also shared her story in an article published in the winter 2007 edition of NAMI Beginnings, a publication focussed on the minds of American youth.
   On the surface, Ms. Worsthorn appeared to have a normal, even ideal high school experience. She earned good grades, competed on the school’s swimming and gymnastics teams, had a supportive family and lots of friends. What she was feeling, however, was not normal. She was suffering, but didn’t understand why.
   Her mother, Linda Worsthorn, said Haley’s story demonstrates why suicide prevention training in schools is so important.
   "You’re always going to identify the loners, the kid with the purple hair, but you’re not going to identify the kid like Haley, who’s good at sports and has a million friends," Mrs. Worsthorn said.
   "Depression is something that I think touches every family one way or another. I think it’s good that it’s coming out of the closet so to speak," she said. "People need to understand that a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s how God wired you."
   Her daughter’s first symptoms of depression had emerged during that 2001-2002 freshman year, which began with the traumatic events of Sept. 11. It ended with a gymnastics injury whose effects should have been short-lived but lingered for almost six months. Doctors from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia said that it could be a sign of depression, Ms. Worthorn said. She did not see a psychiatrist at that time and the back pain eventually went away.
   But just when everything seemed normal, at the end of her sophomore year, Ms. Worsthorn suffered her first panic attack.
   "I was sitting in English class and suddenly felt an explosion in my chest," she said. "I started to get short of breath. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before, so I became frightened and I started hyperventilating. I was sent to the nurse but she did not know how to respond. Eventually my high school sent me to the emergency room, where staff members were finally able to calm me down," she said.
   Not long after the panic attack, Ms. Worsthorn began cutting herself at night, which she continued doing regularly until the middle of her senior year.
   "I was feeling so much pain inside, to cut myself and actually feel physical pain was a relief. The sign of blood let me know I was alive. It really was a release," she said.
   The panic attacks became an almost daily experience, baffling both her and the people she came in contact with at school.
   "A lot of teachers had no idea what I had been going through, even after I graduated," she said. "I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling, because I almost felt embarrassed about it," she said.
   She hid her cuts by always wearing long-sleeved clothing. She hid everything so well that her own mother didn’t fully understand the problem until she decided to read her daughter’s diary the summer following her sophomore year. After reading one entry, Mrs. Worsthorn learned that her daughter had been hurting herself, was in terrible pain and feeling hopeless.
   From that point on Ms. Worsthorn’s parents took her to therapists and psychiatrists weekly but saw no improvement. In one instance, Ms. Worsthorn said, a prescribed dose of Prozac left her virtually unable to function.
   In January, 2005, her senior year, Ms. Worsthorn attempted suicide, taking 33 extra-strength Tylenol tablets. But she had a sudden realization of hope and a desire to live and phoned her boyfriend to tell him what she had done.
   After three days in the emergency room and two days in the hospital, Ms. Worsthorn was sent to Summit Psychiatric Hospital, where she met nurses who taught her that writing, dancing, crying and talking to someone were skills that could help her cope. Their work with her, she said, embody what she would like to do as a psychiatric nurse.
   "They would say: ‘You like to draw, draw; you like to write, write; you like to dance; dance. Don’t cause yourself harm.’ . . . They were like ‘You’re 17 years old. Why are you here?" Ms. Worsthorn said.
   "We had to make a book of our life and decide what parts of it were good and what parts of it were bad. It kind of helped you put things in perspective, like that fights with your boyfriend aren’t the end of the world. They understood how adolescents felt," she said.
   "I want to be like them. I want to be able to help people — I just want to be able to change the world. For me if I can help one person get out of depression that’s more than enough, but I won’t stop there," Ms. Worsthorn said.
   After being released from Summit Psychiatric Hospital, she finally learned why she’d been feeling the way she did. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a mental illness she described as being on a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Thanks to mood stabilizers and the support of her psychologist, therapists, and family, Ms. Worsthorn was able to escape depression and begin her quest to help others.
   "My parents have been so supportive. They never ever for one second ever thought about giving up on me," she said. "They were really like my pillars of strength."
   Ms. Worsthorn said she thinks her experiences with depression will allow her to relate to her patients in ways some of her own nurses were unable to do.
   "Working as a psychiatric nurse will allow me to help so many people, because I know what it feels like to be where they are," she said.
   She has already learned a lot about how the mind works, through her college psychology classes, own research and discussions with therapists and psychologists.
   Not only has she educated Montgomery School District teachers, administrators and other full-time staff through the suicide prevention training, but she also spoke to the representatives from the Montgomery Municipal Alliance about her experiences.
   "I strongly believe that Haley has such inner strength and is so determined," Mrs. Worsthorn said of her daughter. "I was very proud of her when she spoke at that staff meeting (the suicide prevention training) in front of people who used to be her teachers — just that she was able to get up there and do that.