On Point: Relaying some words of wisdom

Linda McCarthy
   I come from a long line of smart, savvy women who possessed a flair for colorful language. This is polite translation for — All my female relatives were sassy ladies with potty mouths or a nasty habit of saying exactly what was on their minds.
   This unfiltered speech affliction in not always a bad thing; rather than dance around an issue everything is brought to the front burner and dealt with right away. With these gals you knew where you stood.
   Over the years I’ve picked up on many of the old sayings that regularly peppered our family conversations. I’m not sure how many of them can actually be attributed to my ancestors as originals. Perhaps they picked up one or two gems of wisdom from Ben Franklin or Mark Twain. However, I like to think it was the other way around. I’m sure my great-great-grandmother mouthed off to them too.
   I’ve incorporated a short list of the ones I use most frequently, complete with translations:
   1 — You’re as welcomed as skunk at a lawn party. (Get away from me.)
   2 — You’re as useful as teats on a bull. (You’re not helping the situation.)
   3 — Stay away from the dog and it won’t bite you. (Get away from your sister.)
   4 — If it ain’t fleas it’s ants. (Something is bound to annoy you.)
   5 — That’s as rare as hen’s teeth. (An event that never happens — like my boys cleaning their rooms.)
   6 — It’s like shoveling … against the tide. (Give it up!)
   7 — Better an empty house than an unhappy tenant. (Go ahead … fart.)
   8 — You can’t fight you’re way out of a paper bag on a damp day. (Grow a spine.)
   9 — As the twig is bent, so grows the tree. (Stand up straight.)
   10 — If it had teeth, it would bite you. (Look harder.)
   This is just a sampling of what I’ve had to endure. Now, my children are suffering the same fate.
   Unfortunately, since I have all boys, they are content to take these words of wisdom at face value. Any allusion to “clean your room” remains just that. The suggestion that “the circus has been through town” has them looking out the window for signs of clowns and jugglers. Clearly they missed the intended reference to pick up the dog poop.
   A basic understanding of the use of similes and metaphors comes in handy when trying to communicate around here. When I tell my husband to “go play on the highway,” I’m not suggesting he find new friends on a road crew.
   I suppose I should just cut to the chase and speak plain English around here. Perhaps if I ask nicely someone will break down and pitch in to help around here. After all, “you get more bees with honey.”
   Linda McCarthy resides in Robbinsville with her husband and three children.