For some, it’s down to the lesser of two weasels

DAVE SIMPSON & GREG BEAN Red State/Blue State

A political discussion between Red State conservative Dave Simpson – a former reporter, editor, publisher and columnist – and Greg Bean, Blue Stater and executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. Let us know what you think.

Dear Greg:

I hate to admit this, but I think my big brother is right. I don’t remember if you have an older brother,Greg, but they can be overbearing know-it-alls who shove their smelly socks in your face when you wrestle with them. My older brother once gave me ironclad rules on how to make tuna salad (it required the use of a wooden spoon), and to this day, I make tuna salad the way he told me to.

We’re both old guys now, and he hardly ever sticks his socks in my face. But, we seem to always be on opposite sides politically. When Iwas a callowDemocrat, hewas a liberal-eating Republican. When I turned Republican, he turned Democrat, and ridiculed (oh, blasphemer!) Ronald Reagan.

Lately, however, we stand the best chance of being on the same side, politically. That’s because he says this about the presidential candidates:

“I hate ’em all.”

When I was in the news biz, I noticed that the biggest cynics in the newsroom always stood the best chance of being correct. In an imperfect world, events always seemed to prove them right. And now, I think my big brother is just like those prescient newsroom cynics.

You can go right down the list,Greg. The former rock star Barack turns out to have some screwy ideas about guns and religion. And it took way too long for him to throw Pastor Nutball under the bus, with his grandma.

Then you have Hillary, who is either a liar or the worst mom in history, having taken her teenage daughter to Bosnia to dodge sniper fire. She’s tenacious, but everybody is getting a creepy feeling that when it comes to the presidency, she’s perfectly willing to burn down the village to save the village.

Both of these birds want to get the economy going again with the help of crippling tax increases and massive governmentspending increases- even bigger increases than those passed by my lying Republican friends, which, I admit, is hard to believe.

On our side of the field, we have John McCain, who voted against Bush’s tax cuts but now supports them. He was down in NewOrleans the other day, blaming his own party for the Katrina response, and promising to elbow local officials – almost always Democrats – out of the way in future hurricanes, and rain down even more federal dollars, at a faster pace.

What’s the dealwith THAT,Greg?When did the federal government become the guarantor that nothing badwould ever happen?

And all three of these gasbags aremultimillionaires. When the heck did politics become the road to fortune? I guess having much better health care and a fabulous government retirement wasn’t nearly enough for these gluttons.

It’s sort of like playing the Dating Game, where all three bachelors have Skeezix hair, bad breath and white socks.

I hate to agreewithmy big brother, but it looks like nobody’s getting theirDreamDate again this year.

In the words of Bill O’Reilly, what say you, Greg? Do you hate ’em all, too?

Your old pal, Red State Dave

Dear Dave:

I didn’t have any older brothers, because I was the older brother, the family’s overbearing know-it-all who shoved socks in my brothers’ faces when we wrestled, and a lot worse.My favorite wasmaking themplay a little game I called Shark Hunt in the plastic swimming pool dad set up in the driveway. That involved me and my friends standing on kitchen chairs around the pool with bows and rubber, suction-cup-tipped arrows, as my brothers swam back and forth in the pool like sharks and we shot them. When mom came home, she always wanted to know where those round red marks on their backs came from, and she didn’t buy it when I suggested octopus attacks.

I don’t knowwhere your big brotherwent wrong, but because of my determination to educate them, my little brothers all turned out OK. These days, we pretty much agree on politics (my baby brother is a lotmore liberal than I am, but we still think it’s cute), and the main thing we agree on is that this country can’t afford another Republican presidential administration. We also agree that with every passing day, JohnMcCain’s cheeks get a little chubbier, making him resemble a chipmunkwith amouth full ofwalnuts. That’s how he got the name we call him in conversation, Walnuts, and the genesis of our own version of an election slogan, “Never replace a Shrub (George W.) with a Walnut.”

It cracks us up.

And it presents us with a dilemma, a conundrum we call “picking the lesser of two weasels.”

I agree with your theory that Hillary might just burn down our village to save it, and the longer she stays in this race, the more she remindsme of Jack D. Ripper, the crazy general who wanted to blow up the world in “Dr. Strangelove.” These days, as this thing drags on, and on, and on, her head bobbles all the time (dodging sniper fire) and she’s got a weird glow in her eyes, like she might summon a cartoon piano to fall out of the sky to squash you if you don’t agreewith her.

And Barack, oh Barack. I liked him a whole bunch at first, but he’s turning out to be a lot like Rudy Giuliani – the more you learn about him the less you like him.

First, he threw his dear old grandma under the bus in his great speech on race, and nowhe’s throwing PastorNutball under the very same bus. This guy was his pastor and family friend for decades, after all, and he’s just now figuring out that the guy is a total wack-job? I don’t buy it. Then there’s the fact that I started reading his books, “Dreams FromMy Father” and “TheAudacity of Hope,” and while I don’t want to go down this road too far, some of the things he says about race and the words he uses to talk about itmakeme a little uncomfortable. Plus, lately he’s getting fairly boring to listen to. The fire has definitely cooled.

So there you have our choice: Jack D. Ripper in a pants suit, or a boring elitist who’ll throw his family and friends under a bus to get ahead. Talk about feeling conflicted.

By the way, your brother sounds like a swell guy, Dave.Which weasel do you think he’ll pick?

Your big brother in spirit (not age)

Blue State Greg

You can reach Greg Bean via e-mail at [email protected]. Dave Simpson can be reached at [email protected].