A political discussion between Red State conservative Dave Simpson – a former reporter, editor, publisher and columnist – and Greg Bean, Blue Stater and executive editor of GreaterMedia Newspapers. Let us know what you think.
Dear Greg:
I was listening to National Public Radio Sunday morning when I heard something I just about couldn’t believe, old pal.
I listen to NPR just like you should be listening to Rush Limbaugh, Greg, because I don’t want to get stuck in a Red State Rut, and only listen to people who think like I do. Besides, it keeps me up on what your bosom buddies in the Crazy Left are up to.
Oops. Can I say bosom? I don’t want to offend anyone, with bosoms or without. It’s so darned easy to get your bosom in a wringer these days, know what I mean?
Funny, isn’t it, that we all have to pay taxes to listen to NPR, but you can listen to Rush for nothing, because folks line up to buy ads on his program. Liberal talk radio is like bad dog food. Dogs won’t eat it.
So anyway, this reporter on NPR was feeling guilty about her car, because, well, she’s a liberal, and liberals feel guilty about stuff like that. She had some little foreign, sewing machine car, but still she felt terrible about her “carbon footprint.”
So she tracked down some people who sell “carbon offsets,” and for a mere $63, or maybe $94.05, she can buy an offset to compensate for the carbon her little sewing machine car produces, and go to bed at night with a clear conscience.
And here’s the cool part, Greg. The guys who will sell her the carbon offset have some trees in California, that they promise TO NOT CUT DOWN! So, for not cutting down trees, which is easy, they get $63, or $94.05, from this reporter, and anybody else they can hoodwink.
Get it, Greg? They’re harvesting LIBERALS instead of trees!
Where do I get a piece of this action?
This explains why Al Gore, a guy who dedicated his life to public service, is flying around in a Gulfstream.And you guys think ExxonMobil is putting one over on us!
I’m pretty sure that a guy who was born in a Red State like you isn’t buying this, but just in case, I want to give you the first option on the carbon credits for those trees on my little lot up in the mountains.
I promise I won’t cut them down, especially now that I’ve figured out that liberals will pay me good money for not cutting them down. The only question is, how many guilty liberals can I find?
You used to drive a big, honking red pickup – remember the one that used to get air lock? – while I was driving a diesel Rabbit that got 50 mpg. (That’s because I was cheap, not guilty.) So you probably still have a carbon footprint like Sasquatch, big fella, and you need to send me $94.05 right away, and I’ll get right to work not cutting down my trees.
I don’t want you feeling guilty about your carbon footprint, old pal.
Get that check in the mail right away, Greg. You’re the guy I want to not cut down my trees for.
Yours truly,
Red State Dave
[email protected]
Dear Dave:
It’s funny you should bring this up, because in my column for this week, I wrote about how we ought to stop mowing our grass in order to combat global warming.
This business about getting paid to not cut down trees sounds like it’s right up my alley.
You and I both worked in a state where the government paid farmers not to grow certain crops, and had price supports to keep the price of milk from falling below a certain level, so we both know how well it works when the government- and certain wack-a-doos in the private sector – starts manipulating things like not growing wheat, or not producing too much milk, or not cutting down trees so somebody, somewhere, can feel better about their carbon footprint.
I know the trees you’re talking about near your cabin in themountains, however, and last time I was up there, you were going after a bunch of them with a chainsaw. Therefore, I don’t think your motives are completely pure in wanting me to pay you a mere $94.05 so you won’t cut down any more of them.
As much as I figure you’ll need the money if the Democrats get in, jack up the windfall-profits tax and thereby devalue your ExxonMobil stock, I don’t think I’ll put the check in the mail quite yet.
You’re right, I’ve got a pretty huge carbon footprint. I still drive a honking pickup, and because I’ve driven a similar vehicle for almost 40 years, I’ve got a lot of carbon-footprint sinning in my past to account and atone for. That’s why I’m thinking aboutmothballingmy lawnmower, and if anybody gets a $94.05 check for not cutting down their trees, it’s gonna be me.
I’ve got a yard with a lot of old trees in it, and they have a tendency to fall down in a heavy wind. Last year, one fell over and squashed my neighbor’s pickup. This year, one on the other side of the yard fell over and nearly squashed another neighbor’s deck. They haven’t said it out loud yet, but I imagine they’re wondering when I’m going to get around to cutting some of my massive old trees down so they’ll quit falling over and flattening their property.
Now, however, I see the light! Imight be endangering the lives and property of my friends and neighbors by leaving my trees alone, but I’mdoing amitzvah for the environment. And if that NPR reporter wants to pay anybody to not cut down trees so she can feel better about her carbon footprint, it ought to be me.
I don’t have any ExxonMobil stock and my taxes are a lot higher than yours, so I could use the cash now. And to tell you the truth, even a Blue Stater likemyself enjoys harvesting a gullible liberal from time to time.Maybe, between your trees andmine, we’d even have enough to start a business selling carbon offsets.We could call it Fresh Air Inc. and have Al Franken do commercials (I don’t think NPR would mind).
I know I wouldn’tmind having you for a partner in this enterprise, as long as my name goes first on the letterhead. If we make enough, I’ll buy you a solar-powered chainsaw.
Your highly oxygenated friend,
Blue State Greg
[email protected]