A political discussion between Red State conservative Dave Simpson – a former reporter, editor, publisher and columnist – and Greg Bean, Blue Stater and executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers.
Dear Greg:
We’ve been writing these Red/Blue columns for months now, and there’s a housekeeping issue we need to deal with.
My problem, Mr. Powerful Big Blue State Newspaper Editor, is that for every week we’ve done this political taffy pull except one, I’ve gone first, then you’ve gotten the luxury of blasting my well-reasoned arguments out of the water. I know Blue Staters need a leg up, but I think there’s a fairness issue here.
For instance, when I said you can have my ExxonMobil stock when you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers, you got a free shot at me, implying that people who own Exxon- Mobil stock are shameless despoilers of the earth, heartless robber barons, and highwaymen who hold up little old ladies for $4 a gallon.
Having been a newspaper editor and publisher myself for years, I know that one of the most swell things about that job is always getting the last word. That, and telling people who send in poems to get lost.
So, it is difficult for me, having gotten the last word for decades, to see you getting the last word every week, slandering great companies, making fun of the way George Bush talks, and even going so far – don’t deny it – as telling impressionable young children that Republicans are, and I quote, “ugly.”
So, knowing that even Blue State people like you care about fairness and counting every vote and spending lots more on just about everything and saving the polar bears, I’m proposing a simple solution. Below, I’ve listed some of my favorite responses to your liberal ravings (some barroom tested), which readers can post on their refrigerator doors. When you get the last word, week after week, they can simply go to this clipping and pick one of Red State Dave’s Approved Responses to Blue State Greg.
Here they are:
“Oh yeah, Greg? Well, who died and left you in charge?”
“He’s just like Jimmy Carter, folks – there he goes again!”
“That’s right, Mr. Liberal Newspaper Editor – blame America first.”
“Tell you what. Try that cockamamie theory out on your Army Paratrooper son, Old Pal. Maybe he can slap some sense into you.”
“That’s right, Greg. Let’s elect the guy who wants to raise taxes. That ought to fix things, especially back there in New Jersey.”
And my favorite:
“Hey, Greg, aren’t you from the same town as Dick Cheney?”
I feel better already.
In case you don’t want to get the last word about always getting the last word, you might comment on your bff Barack’s hard right turn to the middle in recent weeks. I figure by Election Day, he’ll have an “Impeach Earl Warren” bumper sticker on his limo, he’ll be campaigning to get the U.S. out of the U.N. and the U.N. out of the U.S., and Newt will be his V.P.
If that happens, I might even vote for the guy.
Lay it on me, Pal,
Red State Dave
[email protected]
Dear Dave:
I know how hard it is for you to miss getting the last word, but you suggested this arrangement when we began. I always wondered how long it would take you to start complaining about it. Now we know.
You know, old friend, I was going through some of my old files this week, and I came across the photo I’m including above, which you sent me many years ago. (I kept it on my bulletin board for almost a decade, but then it started scaring the Cub Scouts who occasionally came through the office on tours, so I took it down.) You signed it Al-Bob because, at that time, you were sort of dining out on your uncanny resemblance to both Al Borland, of “Home Improvement” fame, and Bob Vila, another well-known do-it-yourselfer.
I decided to reprint that photo here for a couple of reasons.
First, there have been a few doubting readers who have suggested that I write both parts of our column, and only pretend to be you so I can argue with myself.
That’s pretty weird, but now there’s photographic evidence that you exist – and you actually write the material in your Red State Ramblings. (Even I’m not creative enough to come up with that stuff!)
Second, I wanted to print that photo because, looking at it again, I now realize I owe you an apology for some of the mean things I’ve said about Republicans over the years, and you might have taken personally.
I
might have said they were ugly, but I
wasn’t talking about you, you old Myrna Loy look-alike. And I might have said they have no sense of humor, which – according to this photo – was also in error. (Unless you weren’t joking around with that comehither pose, and then we’re all in big trouble.)
I might have said other things, which were also apparently incorrect. So please accept my lo siento, partner. I feel lower than worm spit, and I won’t do it again.
And as for your list of approved responses, I really hope readers post them and pick one to e-mail me when I write something they disagree with. Your responses sting a little, but they’re all nicer than the guy who writes me messages starting, “Dear Nitwit,” and the guy who suggested I must be a Palestinian sympathizer, and started his message “Dear Osama.” I’m not even going to rise to your ExxonMobil bait, or Barack’s turn to the middle. This week, you’ve got the last word on those matters.
Enjoy it, buddy. As you know, I’m all about fairness. In moderation. By next week, I’ll likely be back to my old self.
Your chagrined friend,
Blue State Greg
[email protected]