HEALTH MATTERS: Keeping the romance alive takes work

Intimacy extends beyond sex and requires a satisfy ing emotional connection to your partner and time to nurture the relationship.

By SONJA B. GRAY, M.D. Princeton HealthCare System
    Between raising children and managing careers, finding time for intimacy in your relationship is not always easy.
    Yet keeping the love alive is critical to maintaining a marriage or partnership and to preventing a relationship from ending in divorce or separation.
    Statistics indicate that at least 40 percent of marriages end in divorce. Reasons vary greatly, but the loss of intimacy and no longer feeling special in the relationship is a significant cause for break-ups.
    Understanding where intimacy fits into our everyday lives and how to make room for it in our increasingly busy schedules can go a long way in helping to build and maintain long-lasting relationships.
    When couples are dating they spend time together just to have fun. There is always something on the agenda that both people enjoy and are excited about doing. Yet after getting married or committed, couples tend to trade fun and romance for parenting (in many cases) and household chores. But let’s face it — paying bills together is not a fun activity!
    Given the demands of balancing work with family and juggling multiple schedules, intimacy is often sacrificed for a child’s soccer game or a late night at the office. The challenge for couples is to ensure these sacrifices don’t become a pattern and that they invest in their relationship just as they would invest in a college fund for their child or their own career.
    Too often couples believe that once they commit, it’s going to be forever and the relationship is simply a done deal —until they’re signing divorce papers or saying goodbye. Just as there are consequences for ignoring your job or other responsibilities, there are consequences for ignoring your relationship.
    In reality, a happy, sustaining relationship takes time and effort. Intimacy extends beyond a sexual relationship and requires a satisfying emotional connection to your partner and time to nurture the relationship on a regular basis. Extramarital affairs are often not about sex, but about feeling special. Many people who engage in extramarital affairs say they do so because the other person makes them feel special and important again.
    How do we fit intimacy into our busy schedules and relationships? Here are some suggestions:
    • Spend quality time with your partner. Mopping the floor or raking leaves together is not normally quality time. Taking the family to the local diner to grab a quick dinner after sports practice isn’t necessarily fun. Instead, find an hour or two in the week just for you and your partner to do something you both enjoy. Often, sexual intimacy becomes a natural consequence when you take time out for each other.
    • Schedule quality time. We schedule everything else in our lives — the gym, the salon, birthday parties, work meetings — we need to schedule time with our spouses. Make a date and put it in your BlackBerry just as would any other appointment and make every effort not to break it.
    • Remind your partner how special he or she is. Everyone wants to feel special and important. This takes little effort but has big rewards. If bringing your partner coffee in bed every now and then, makes him or her feel good, then do it! And don’t forget to compliment your partner. If you are effective in this area, no one else is likely to provide this support the way you can.
    • Remember what you did when you were dating and try to recreate it. When people are dating they will jump through hoops to spend time together and show the other person they care. This shouldn’t end with marriage or commitment. Human beings need attention and need to feel important and physically attractive to their partners. If you sent flowers after a night out, do it again. If you took charge of making the plans when you were dating, then take charge again and don’t leave making all the arrangements to your partner. Try not to do negative things in the current relationship that you would not consider when dating.
    • Communicate. Talk to your partner about what you need. Too often we assume our partner knows what we think and feel, but no one can read minds. Communication is key to any healthy relationship.
    There is no question that our lives today are busier than ever and finding time to spend together is increasingly difficult, but like most everything else we invest in, if we don’t nurture our relationships they won’t pay dividends. Couples who make a conscious effort to fit intimacy in to their relationships find their relationships are enjoyable and sustain themselves.
Sonja B. Gray, M.D., is a board- certified psychiatrist and medical director of Princeton House Behavioral Health Outpatient Services.
To find a physician with Princeton HealthCare System, call 888-742-7496 or visit www.princetonhcs.org.