As an admitted American car nut, I’ve watched with horror, disbelief and profound sadness the parade of auto executives coming before Congress with their hands out in recent weeks.
General Motors, which had already gotten $17.4 billion in loans from the government, said it needs another $16.6 billion to keep the lights on. Chrysler, which had already received $4 billion in loans, said it needs another $5 billion.
Despite a reported $5.9 billion loss in the fourth quarter of 2008, Ford said it doesn’t need any bailout money right now. The company had already borrowed $23 billion in 2006 to restructure, so it thinks it can muddle through. The company did ask for a $9 billion line of credit from the government, just in case.
Sure, the companies all say they’ll change the way they do business if they get the money. GM, for example, will get out of the Hummer, Saturn and Saab business. Big deal!
Especially when I have a way not only to save the American auto industry, but put it back in the black. And it’s so simple it’s a wonder no one has thought of it before. If they take my advice, however, I do want credit. I don’t want some Madison Avenue ad guy getting the credit, or the bonus, so just remember: you read it here first.
In all the coverage of the crisis in the last few weeks, every report had a segment harkening back to the glory days of American automobiles. In stories about Pontiac, for example, the reporters all mentioned that the company had fallen a long way from the days when the GTO and Firebird were burning up salesrooms across the nation.
For GM it was the Chevy Camaro, and the Chevelle and the Corvette. For Ford, it was the beautiful 1964½ Mustang. Spokesmen from the companies waxed nostalgic about those wonderful cars, and wondered where the dream began to die.
American consumers miss those cars as well, and wonder why the companies never understood the depth of our desire. So here’s the fix for the industry:
GIVE US OUR CARS BACK!
Go down to your basements, blow the dust off the plans for those GTOs (any year from 1965 to 1968 will do, and please let that awful orange Judge rest in peace), unroll the plans for that 1967 Firebird convertible, and start building them again.
You guys at GM can get out those plans for the Camaro and please, please get out the plans for the SS Chevelle, one of the most beautiful and classy automobiles ever made. While you’re at it, throw in a 1956 or 1957 Chevy Bel Air. You know we want them, because we’ve told you so.
You guys at Dodge can drag out the plans for the Charger. Start with a 1968 black one like the bad guys drove in the quintessential chase scene in Steve McQueen’s movie “Bullitt” (if you want a kick, you can watch that chase scene on YouTube).
Out here in Consumer Land, we realize there’ll have to be some changes. The companieswill have to include better braking systems and better steering. They’ll have to change the engines to bring them up to environmental spec. We realize that most of these cars were hard to control in bad weather, so we won’t gripe if you incorporate a more modern and safe power train. We also won’t mind if you replace the AM/FM radios with a good CD system.
But beyond that hidden stuff, you need to build those cars so they look exactly like the ones we remember and love. But (pay attention here) don’t overthink this, like Volkswagen did a few years ago when it introduced a vehicle that was “reminiscent” of the classic Beetle.
In the early 1970s, my friend Art was one of the two toughest men I knew (Dalton was the other one, but he was probably a superhuman alien, and the subject of another column). A Vietnam vet who had spent his tour in the bush fighting Vietcong, hand to hand, Art immediately became a bull rider when he mustered out.
And while you might think a guy like Art would tool around in a Dodge Power Wagon or a Hemi ‘Cuda, he drove a Volkswagen Beetle. He chose this car for three reasons. One, it got great gas mileage, which was important because he covered a lot of blacktop between rodeos. Two, it was so mechanically simple he could pull the engine in his driveway if he needed to. And three, it handled well in the snow and ice.
If someone had the bad sense to tease Art about driving a Beetle, that someone was in for a very bad day. Art made it cool to drive a Beetle, and several of us followed his lead. I loved my Beetle and would be happy to drive another one if it showed up tomorrow.
So I was excited when Volkswagen came out with the new Beetle, but reality fell well short of expectation. The new Beetle sort of looked like the old Beetle, but the similarity was superficial. You couldn’t work on the new Beetle because the mechanics were too complicated. It didn’t get the gas mileage. And they put a bud vase on the dashboard, for cryin’ out loud, which made it impossible for any self-respecting male car nut to drive one. Not a grand marketing concept in my opinion. Anytime you alienate half of your potential customer base, your sales are going to be limited.
So don’t give us cars that are “reminiscent” of the cars we love. Give us cars that look exactly like the cars we love, at least on the outside and in the cockpit.
At our house, we aren’t in the market for a new car. Not only is the economy bad, but most of the cars out there these days look like motorized shoeboxes. No élan, no soul, no fun.
But if Ford started making the 1964½ Mustang again (my wife’s favorite classic automobile) and if Pontiac were around to reintroduce the 1967 Firebird (burgundy, with a white convertible top), we’d have two new cars in our driveway tomorrow night, even if we have to sell a kidney to pay for them.
It’s that simple. Give us our cars back, and we’ll buy ’em. Then you won’t have to keep going to the government for bailout loans like a bunch of hangdog, sad-sack losers.
Gregory Bean is the former executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. You can reach him at [email protected].