Spring break. The very mention of the words conjures up images of college kids running amok on beaches, partying in the streets and showing up on “Girls Gone Wild.” It’s enough to cause great apprehension in the hearts of moral-teaching parents worldwide.
Luckily enough for us Clinches, our darling Vernon chose to reject the traditional party-hearty spring vacation and opted instead for a little bit of “R & R” here in his hometown.
While I’d like to say that Vernon chose to come home because he yearned for time with his mother; those in the know will tell you that driving his decision was the recession and all of its associated ills, and our Vernon has suffered a big hit to the old wallet.
Vernon spent the bulk of his time home roaming the town and working the crowds as if he were running for Congress. He stopped in on old friends, visited old haunts and shared the wealth that is his presence with those fortunate enough to have him.
He made phone calls, sent text messages like it was his job and lined up activities with his buddies, all of whom, I might mention, go to the same college and
live within minutes of Vernon back at the university, but that’s neither here nor there. For, you see, Vernon had promised his mother a night. Some would say that one night is not enough to give to the woman who brought you into this world. Some would say
that two nights would do better justice to the woman who gave up her women’s luncheon to sit in the dentist’s office while you had your high-dollar smile polished.
But those in the know would tell you that although I tug on the heartstrings with all my might, Vernon won’t be swayed.
The fact was, our dear Vernon had chosen to give his mother a night and who was I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
I cleared my social calendar by canceling my 8 o’clock phone call to my mother, popped some popcorn and ran to the living room where Vernon was busily changing channels on the TV.
“What are we watching?” I asked with great anticipation. “Let’s watch something fun! Isn’t this exciting? What are you thinking? What are you thinking now?”
I suppose he found me to be a tad bit intrusive, but it was my night and who would he want me to be if not myself? Vernon channel surfed for a minute longer and settled on none other than, and I kid you not, the Golf Channel.
Now, I ask you, who chooses the Golf Channel? I realize there are those who play golf, those who enjoy golf and those who believe that golf is life. But seriously, are there really enough double bogies out there to dedicate an entire network?
I’d vote no.
Luckily enough for us, the Golf Channel was having its new hit series — a reality show that revolved around, and I kid you not, Charles Barkley working on his swing.
It wasn’t even a stinking golf match, or a playoff or whatever it is that the golf people do for competitions. No sir, nothing as exciting as that. After all, this was golf — time to settle in, speak barely a whisper and watch intently to see if Charles can improve his swing.
To change things up a bit, the producers of this show in all of their infinite wisdom had good old Charles sit in a tavern with a bartender giving him a hard time — not about his DUI, not about his excessive weight gain, not about his ego. No sir, this was the Golf Channel, you understand, so the bartender gave him a hard time about none other than his, that’s right you guessed it, GOLF SWING!
Be still, my beating heart!
Speaking of beating hearts, I checked Vernon’s pulse, for surely no living breathing human being could have one and still be entertained by the Charles Goes Golfing show.
I asked that kid of mine a couple of times to change the channel to something with more of a plot in it, but he just sat there engrossed, waiting for some sort of dramatic climax.
I finally said, “You’re going to have to choose between this stupid show and me.” And he looked at me and flashed that high-dollar smile of his and said, “Well, see ya.”
At least we can take comfort that he won’t be showing up on “Girls Gone Wild.”
Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book “Are We There Yet?” You can reach her at www.loriclinch. com.