Although some of my critics won’t believe it, there is no political agenda at work when I make this bold statement: As a hunter, Sarah Palin is a greater menace in the field than Dick Cheney.
And I have a feeling that real hunters among my readership will back me up on that. Fact is, Sarah Palin gives hunting a bad name, and it has nothing to do with the whole cruelty to animals argument, which I’ll leave for someone else to hash out. It’s based entirely on the fact that she’s so clueless and incompetent behind a gun that she ought to trade her rifle in on a tactical nuke, which doesn’t require the pinpoint accuracy a hunter needs to make meat without causing unnecessary suffering among the game population.
I came to this conclusion after a friend told me that as a former hunter, shooter and avid outdoorsman, I had to watch the episode of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” where she and her dad go into the backcountry after caribou. I’d never watched an episode of that show, for obvious reasons, but I dialed that one up just so I could discuss it with my buddy. And I was horrified.
Full disclosure: I grew up in a state where hunting was so prevalent that the schools were closed on the first day of deer season. Nearly everyone, including my family, filled their freezers for the winter with wild game. I went big game hunting for the first time before I was 10, and started filling my own licenses with deer and elk as soon as I reached legal age.
I stopped hunting when I no longer needed the meat, but I’m still a strong supporter of hunting as the best method of controlling and strengthening wild game herds. But, as I said, I’m not here to make that argument.
I’m here to talk about Sarah’s incredible television show, which begins with her talking about how most Alaskans hunt to fill their freezers (no argument there) and noting that “the rifle in your hand can mean food on your table,” since “there’s no grocery store nearby.” Even though the Palins live in Wasilla, where I imagine there is a supermarket nearby, I won’t even argue with that.
Here’s what set my teeth on edge:
• Before they leave for their hunting camp (hundreds of miles away by plane), Sarah’s dad tells the camera crew what a great shot his daughter (whom he always curiously refers to as Sarah Palin, not just Sarah) is with a rifle. But then he says that he’s bringing two guns on the hunt, a big game rifle for him and a “varmint” rifle for her, because she doesn’t like guns that kick.
That was the first red flag. A competent hunter knows that your rifle has to have a big enough caliber to bring down the game you’re after. That’s a humane consideration. Use the right caliber and place your shot carefully, and you can fill your freezer without causing the animal undue suffering. Use a caliber that’s too small, and unless you make a perfect shot, you run the chance of just wounding the game. That’s never good, and a prospect that gives competent hunters nightmares. Going after a game animal like a caribou, which can weigh as much as 700 pounds, with a varmint rifle isn’t just asking for trouble, it’s real cruelty in the making.
• To complicate matters, she’d never practiced with the weapon before the season, and in fact hadn’t ever fired it, a fact she gave away when she asked her dad how much it kicked. Any hunter worth his or her salt knows this is not just incompetent, it’s borderline insanity. Any humane hunter knows that to make a clean shot, you have to know your weapon. Most hunters carefully sight and practice shooting many times before the season begins in different conditions, so they’ll know exactly how their weapon performs in varied terrains and distances. The object, of course, is to make a clean, quick kill with one shot.
So now we have Sarah with an underpowered rifle she’s never practiced with, or even fired. Are you starting to get the picture?
• Luckily for the Alaskan caribou population, Sarah doesn’t see a caribou the first day of her two-day hunt, but late on the second day, they spot a caribou on a yonder ridgeline (Run, Rudolph! Run!). Dad tells Sarah to wait until the animal is broadside (the position that provides the best chance of making a clean shot and a quick kill), but Sarah waits until the animal is looking at her head-on (the worst position because too little of the animal is visible). And she misses.
• And then she proceeds to miss again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Six times in all. You hunters out there are thinking, “buck fever,” but Sarah says it’s the gun that’s off (which she would have known had she practiced).
• Finally, she borrows the guide’s big game rifle, and when he tells her to wait for a broadside shot, takes another head-on shot that miraculously hits her target and makes meat with her seventh shot.
• Which she takes no active part in field dressing or butchering (bad form).
So I ask you hunters out there: Would you go hunting with Boom Boom Palin? Or would you take your chances with Dick Cheney? Me, I’m thinking I’d go with Dick (it was only birdshot).
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On the firearms front, I read in the Sentinel last week that Milltown (speed-trap capital of New Jersey) is considering an ordinance that would prohibit the discharge of firearms in town.
Is there a big problem with people shooting off their guns in Milltown? Well, no, but it turns out there’s no law about it currently, so this is a prophylactic thing. Just in case somebody gets the urge to blast away at the sky in Milltown, they want to be prepared by establishing a $2,000 fine and a 90-day stay in the slammer.
I suppose that’s good to know. And I hope Sarah Palin is listening.
Gregory Bean is the former executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. You can reach him at [email protected].