Do the holidays have you feeling smothered? Do you feel as though you’re buried under a mound of ornaments, wrapping paper and ribbons? If so, scream really loud. You may be locked in our hall closet.
It seems as though I’m always trying to condense a tinsel mess at this time of year. Although I vow to be cleaned, decorated and wrapped by the fifth of December, I tend to fall short of my goals.
Back in the day, my mother (who was more energized than Martha Stewart on a peppermint latte) had a regular routine when it came to Christmas merriment. She had her shopping completed and gifts wrapped by the end of March. Her family photo was developed before August and heaven forbid if her cookies weren’t baked by November 30.
Worse yet, she’d start cleaning with a frenzy not long after the Thanksgiving turkey was deboned, and all of her holly was hung long before angels were heard on high.
I’m sure that woman often sits amid her mistletoe and ponders how it is that she produced a daughter who still has pumpkins rotting on her front porch when she should be busily decking the halls.
“What are we going to have for Christmas dinner?” she asked me during a casual phone call last September. I was packing up faux Easter eggs and pondering the fate of a geranium at the time.
“Christmas?” I replied with a nervous tic that I didn’t know I had. “Well, yes,” she said all aghast. “The roasts are on sale, the basil will soon be disappearing off the shelves and it’s never too soon to toss your cookies.”
She was telling me!
Little did she know that the only baking I’d contemplated was rum balls, and I was much more interested in the ingredients than in the finished product. If you know what I mean.
Some folks may not quite feel my pain and should, perhaps, put down the newspaper and get back to basking in the glory of their completed tasks.
However, if you feel that you’re falling painfully short with less than three weeks (did I really say that?) to get it all done, then read on, for I’m about to introduce you to Lori’s List to Accomplish Christmas Bliss Post Haste.
With December in full swing, I recommend you begin your holiday decorating as I have for many a year — by forgoing the dusting, and decorating over the filth. It may sound preposterous at first, but I must contend that since the Blessed Mother gave birth in a stable, she’s not going to mind a few dust bunnies lingering about the Nativity scene.
Our mothers would shudder to think. However, I’ve found that everything looks cleaner in low light, and since we’re not doing surgery in the family room anytime soon, I recommend unscrewing the bulbs in the chandeliers and stringing a few Christmas strands alongside the recliners.
I know kids need good lighting for homework, but they always have the bathrooms for that.
While some suggestions are handy, I must say others are essential, and if you’ve never listened to me before, hear me now! Offer a nip to holiday guests the second they walk in the door, while you, yourself, should refrain so that you can safely guide folks around the extension cords and recliners. This will see to it that your guests are in a state of mind that will make them oblivious to cobwebs and your misshapen cheese ball .
They’ll be more tolerant of your shortcomings and they may not even notice that your wooden snowman lost his nose or that your tree leans slightly to the left.
Creative folks brag about gifts that are handsomely wrapped with brown paper sacks and “kissed” with a sprig of holly. I say what the heck! Why go to all of that trouble when you can simply leave the gift in the plastic bag that it came in and Scotch tape it shut. What it lacks in beauty it more than makes up for with opening ease, and if your guests are in the right frame of mind, (refer to suggestion No. 3), they’ll never notice.
If you find that you are stressing and still need help, feel free to call my mother.
I hear tell that she’s happily helping folks prepare for Christmas 2014.
Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book “Are We There Yet?” You can reach her at [email protected].