BLOOPERS

‘Bare with us …’ Uh, no thank you.

ADELE YOUNG

Every new year, we like to disclose some of the amusing constructions that came across our desks during the previous 12 months.

Thank goodness most of the gaffes in this column were caught in time and did not make it into one of our weekly publications. Alas, some did. We try very hard to catch as many mistakes as we can, and that’s where good copy editors come in handy. They’re a rare breed and hard to find. And when we’re looking to hire one, first impressions do count. Which is why the first thing we want to share is the chuckle we got from a gentleman’s email inquiring about any available “proffreading positions.” We didn’t respond.

Another email early in 2011, just before the Super Bowl, was from a church, requesting publicity about a talk by former New York Giant Keith Elias:

“What better way to worm up for the Super Bowl than to spend some time with a former NFLGiant!” We’ve all heard of carb loading, but “worming up” before the country’s premier indoor tailgating party seems like an episode from “Fear Factor.”

Element of truth “Set in Victorian London, ‘Sweeney Todd’ is the story of a barber with a flare [flair] for revenge.” Hmm, ironic twist in this promotional piece, given that the razorwielding “Demon Barber of Fleet Street” did have that thing for ovens … .

In an entertainment listing titled “Blooming of the Apple Tree,” we encouraged people to go see the crap [crab] apple trees in full bloom in Hamilton. If you ever ate too many crabapples, you understand the element of truth here.

Knock on wood “As many as 700 people filtered in and out of the Pines Manor recently to whet their pallets [palates] at the 14th annual Taste of Middlesex.” This could certainly result in a mouth full of splinters.

Speaking of things wooden, we wrote about demonstrations by a woodcraver [woodcarver]. What kind of demonstrations, you ask? Perhaps a woodpecker showing off his talent or even a termite demonstrating how to get rid of exterminators? One can only imagine.

Spencer’s novelties, anyone? A press release discussed the generous patrons and hardworking library staff that made the county library’s Food for Fines drive a success. “Among the food panties [pantries] and food banks that benefited …” We weren’t done! One of our own headlines tried to publicize a “Night of live music to benefit food panty.”

“Providing pleasure for servicemen at holiday time will result from the [redacted] Club’s meeting Sept. 12. Members will fill stockings with useful items to send overseas in an annual project.” Some of us speculated about what was going into those stockings …

Censorship, where art thou? A short item about a library program almost inadvertently reinforced the Bard’s reputation for ribaldry: “We know that Shakespeare wrote in an age that saw women as flawed and less than men, but what was his personal opinion of the fair sex? This is a free, pubic [public] program … at the library.”

You call this Loyalty Day? In a story about one town’s Loyalty Day, a time for honoring those who have served our country, we initially wrote: “The world would be a very different place without your sacrifices,” he said before giving each veteran a plague [plaque]. Oh, the ingratitude.

Tough times hit royalty, too Here was our take on a Middlesex County animal shelter volunteer who was explaining its feline-to-canine ratio: “Currently, the SPCAhouses around 150 animals. The counts [cats] typically outnumber the dogs 10 to 1.”

Bottoms up!

In a sports story about a high school cross country meet, we initially quoted a coach as saying, “In hind site [hindsight] we just didn’t run well enough.” That’s because everyone should have been looking ahead, not behind, to the finish.

A press release we received from a religious group, anxious to show off its new facilities, proudly invited “ass [all] singles and families to tour our new building at our Open House with a caring and friendly community.” We would argue that unmarried people are no more asses than married ones.

No pun intended, reallyBare [bear] with us … we are going to be under construction” was a township historian’s message to the public regarding a local historical site under renovation. Perhaps this is why fences are erected around construction sites.

A Grimm tale for sure Shoe [Shore] residents and beachgoers donated 3,592 pounds of food at various collection points …” We have to wonder if those shoe residents are related to the woman who had so many children she didn’t know what to do.

Political doublespeak, as usual In one story, we wrote: “Four candidates are funning [running] for the three-year terms.” Guess there were no serious candidates in that election.

OMG! Edie Falco’s coming? A caption for a sports photo told of the visiting Falcos [Falcons] at a home basketball game at Colonia High School in Woodbridge.

Egg on our face

We journalists take pride in being good wordsmiths, but readily admit that we often fall short when dealing with numbers.

In some of our papers, we aged professional soccer star Heather O’Reilly, a native of East Brunswick, about 20 years: “I’ve never met O’Reilly,” wrote a columnist, “but our papers covered her for years, from the time she played in rec leagues. … She graduated from East Brunswick High School in 1985 [was actually probably born that year] …”

On the cover of the Atlanticville in November, we imported the wrong caption. The photo depicted a scene from a “firefighter university” with two men training in a smoke room. However, the caption described two people participating in a duck pond game. We took small comfort that at least both events require some kind of repellent coats.

Another gaffe was in an article about a real estate convention:  “The keynote address, ‘The Future of Real Estate in America as We Know It,’ by Bill Rancic. Several ears [years] after his introduction to America as Donald Trump’s original Apprentice, Rancic continues his commitment to entrepreneurship throughout the country.” Could we say that Trump’s money afforded him some cosmetic surgery?

Desperately seeking punctuation Even our professionally edited, syndicated copy offers a few laughs now and then. One of our health articles waxed on that “even though a parent’s role will always be one of guidance, as children age parents …” Insert comma, please. It’s not a well-kept secret: Children certainly do age parents!

Our classified ads sometimes provide a chuckle or two. We’ve had several real estate ads boasting about walking [walk-in] closets; you know, the kind that follow you around until you put things away. (One can only dream). … But this example pales in light of one some years ago that offered for sale a “Chip N Dale” sofa. In closing, we’d like to humbly rewrite a popular saying: Truth is often funnier than fiction.

Adele Young is the news editor for Greater Media Newspapers. She may be contacted at [email protected].