Before Aug. 9, 2011, life was pretty normal for the Dittmar family.
George and Diane were preparing to see their daughter Allysa off to her second year at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, with their son Dan already away attending school at the Savannah College of Art and Design in Georgia.
Diane, an active member of her church and community in the Cream Ridge section of Upper Freehold, was struggling with anxiety and depression, but it seemed nothing beyond what the family could handle.
When George arrived home on the evening of Aug. 9, his life, along with those of his children, would never be the same.
Diane had taken her own life.
“The point at which we decided to make a difference was the night Allysa and I came home and I found my wife, and had to tell Allysa and make an equally horrible phone call to my son in Savannah,” George said. “I think at that very moment, all three of us knew we had to link arms, share the pain and make a difference for each other.”
But they didn’t stop there. Through their unimaginable grief, they have also made it their goal to make a difference for others.
George, Allysa and her aunt and uncle, Bill and Susan Blanchard, will soon travel to San Francisco to take part in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Out of the Darkness Overnight walk June 9 and 10. The walk spans 18 miles, from dusk to dawn, with the goal of bringing suicide into the spotlight.
Considering that a person dies by suicide in the United States every 16 minutes, according to the foundation’s website, the cause is a worthy one.
Dan will be sending emotional support from afar, as he is attending school over the summer and cannot make the trip.
“The last 10 months have been a difficult, painful and beautiful giving and taking of love between [my kids and me], and to an extent, friends and family,” George said. “I have been able to cope, and I think it is true for Dan and Allysa, because we deeply love each other and have made the decision that we will put one foot in front of the other and hold each other up when we need it. The involvement with Overnight is a natural outgrowth of what we have been doing from the moment we walked in the house.” George pointed out that Allysa was the one to spearhead the efforts. She first brought attention to the issue of suicide through her blogs, the first of which she wrote upon her return to Johns Hopkins just two weeks after her mother’s death.
“Being in school has definitely helped me cope,” Allysa said. “It helped me stay engaged, and I’ve always had a passion for learning — and I will say that passion came from my mom — she graduated salutatorian from her high school, too.”
Remarkably, despite it being the most difficult time in her life, Allysa managed to pull off a 4.0 that semester.
Perhaps the same passion she has for learning went toward her family team’s efforts for the walk. They have raised a total of more than $14,000 for the organization, surpassing their original goal of $2,000, and placing their team in the top 15 among nearly 460 participating teams.
Much like Allysa’s decision to go back to school that semester, taking part in the Overnight has helped her cope.
“Already, I have gotten to know several people through networking, and I’ve realized that there are other families and friends out there who are going through similar experiences,” she said. “The Overnight walk is especially meaningful to me, because my friends and family often do not know how to help and what to say, because they have not experienced losing someone to suicide … so when we embark on the walk, simply meeting other people who have gone through similar experiences and seeing that we are not alone will help us heal more.”
What makes healing from the suicide of a loved one all the more difficult is the lack of answers and the guilt experienced by those left behind, according to Allysa.
Added to that is the stigma surrounding suicide, which the Dittmars and others involved in the walk are hoping to dispel.
“I think suicide is not discussed openly today because it is so difficult to understand,” she said. “Even doctors do not know how to fix it 100 percent of the time — they certainly did not have a solid and concrete fix for my mom.”
Diane first began to experience anxiety afterAllysa had left for college in the fall of 2011. This, combined with stress, seemed to lead to her depression.
Despite her struggles, Diane’s family members had no way of knowing that she was having any thoughts of suicide. None of the five or more doctors she saw during that time had even addressed the possibility.
Besides, Allysa said, her mother had never been a depressed person and never seemed to struggle with such issues.
“The doctors, as well as my family members, thought that she would absolutely get better, and that they would get to the bottom of what was causing her depression,” she said. “In fact, on the day she took her life, my dad and I had a conversation about her before we found her, and he was so certain that this would be resolved.”
If one were to try to envision what a person at risk for suicide would look like, Diane would likely be the opposite.
She spent years volunteering at Stuart Country Day School in Princeton— whereAllysa attended from kindergarten through 12th grade— and served as president of the school’s parents association from 2002 to 2003. After that, she spent seven years serving on the school’s board of trustees.
Although board terms typically run for six years, other members were so impressed with her service that they changed the bylaws to allow for the additional year, Allysa explained.
In addition, Diane served on a multitude of school committees, along with being extensively involved with Emley’s Hill United Methodist Church, where she attended services, was a member of the singing group and helped with the food pantry.
Such an active life spent in close contact with others in the community hardly lends itself to the notion of someone in danger of committing suicide, but perhaps this is part of the problem.
“I… think that my mom’s complete silence on suicide — she never expressed any signs of taking her own life, nor did she want anyone, including her own children, to know that she was dealing with anxiety and depression — may have been due to what others would think of her, to think that she was being weak,” Allysa said.
Unfortunately, her fear wasn’t completely unfounded. Despite somewhat greater awareness of depression and anxiety than existed, say, a decade ago, there remains a lack of understanding, especially where suicide is involved. Many still view suicide as a reflection of weakness, Allysa said.
“But suicide does not reflect some sort of character flaw,” she said. “My mom was one of the strongest people I’ve ever known, and she had such a passion for life, from working in her garden to playing the piano. So, for her to resort to suicide, she was not in the right place; she was suffering.”
Now, the family is hoping to ease some of the suffering others endure through their fundraising efforts.
Funds raised for the walk help to provide educational materials, along with training for mental health professionals and primary care physicians. In addition, $30,000 of the monies raised will go toward a year of research into the genetic, biological and behavioral factors that play a role in suicide, Allysa explained.
“The support we have received has been unbelievable and it has been much more than we have expected,” she said. “I believe that we have received so much support because our friends and family remember the wonderful person she was, and she impacted so many lives.”
Beyond their efforts to alleviate the pain suffered by those who end their lives, George pointed out another, often overlooked, area. He pointed out that in most cases in which an individual is at risk for suicide, one or more persons who are close to the individual are typically most responsible for their care.
“Those people, the ones responsible for the care, need really, really good psychological help,” he said. “They are overwhelmed by events, and as unqualified to look after someone suffering from the kind of emotional difficulties that lead to suicide as they would be to perform openheart surgery.”
Although such a tragedy has the potential to tear a family apart, this couldn’t have been further from the case Dittmars, according to George.
“The experience of my wife’s suicide has brought my daughter, son and I closer,” he said. “I think the volunteer work hopefully will help others, but the closeness we have achieved is something of a different nature … very, very personal.”
As George and Allysa head across the country to walk together in memory of Diane, it is likely that this bond will only grow.
“Through the Overnight, we can bring the good out of this tragedy,” Allysa said.
By the looks of it, they already have.
To donate to the Dittmars’ efforts, visit http://bit.ly/KU5LEc. To learn more about suicide, go to www.afsp.org.