By Sally Stang
“Better a bald head than none at all” — Uncle Fester
I’m enthralled with the bald. I’m conceding to the receding. Yep, that’s me. I’m the Bald Whisperer.
I have something to say to any bald men out there who are still forcing three hairs to do the job of hundreds. Quit it! And to you guys who are still wearing toupees? Sheesh! Unless you are in the witness protection program, what are you thinking?! Consider yourself blessed not to have those unsightly hair follicles! I’m telling you it’s a stroke of good luck! Bare your brainpan proudly, fellas!
This fascination with non-hirsuted males all started for me when a man folding shirts at the Laundromat caught my eye. He looked so confident, so bold, so bald. And he must have felt me caressing his bare, masculine head with my eyes because he suddenly turned — I got all warm, I heard a thumping (well, it might have been the dryer) and wham! I was in love! I wanted to marry this guy and have dozens of glorious bald babies!
OK, so the “wham-I’m-in-love” part faded fast, but the attraction to bald heads did not.
Now that I recall, the first bald and beautiful head I noticed was Yul Brynner’s proudly pristine and pearly pate as he pretended to be the Persian king in “The King and I.” So commanding and exotic.
Telly Sevalas was cool and tough when he appeared as Kojak, an edgy, sucker sucking cop who looked like he would rip your leg off, then beat you with it, but then no one else pulled off the chrome dome look for about a decade after that. That is, until Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
My friend, Kevin, was 19 when he began to lose his hair at an alarming rate. He credits Jabbar with saving his dating life.
”Back in the late 70s, my only options were to start doing some fancy comb-over or join the Hair Club of America,” Kevin confessed. Instead, he grew the ever-popular fringey long hair all around the bald area, covered up by a baseball cap. “I was sporting that Ben Franklin look, if Ben played for the Phillies. I never took that hat off.”
The thing is, men choosing a hat to cover a bald head starts out OK. It starts out as “a look,” but eventually, the people around you just want to burn that darn hat, as it eventually dawns on us that your hat is really just a toupee with a brim and a baseball insignia on it.
Kevin said, “Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and contact lenses saved my dating life. Otherwise, I would have been a guy in thick Coke-bottle glasses with an ugly comb-over,” adding with a grin, “instead of the chick magnet that I am now!”
Kareem saved a lot of men, I think. When he shaved his head in the early ‘80s, it spread throughout the NBA, then “trended” the way that many fashions do — first to the black community, then to gay men, then to the two coasts, then finally to middle America. Those nasty Skinheads almost wrecked the look, but luckily, many studly celebrities snatched it back.
Johnny Depp and Jude Law have nothing on sexy old Patrick Stewart as far as I’m concerned. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard, he might command you to “put your razors on “stun” and make it so!”
My gay friend, Joe, lost his hair gradually. His forehead was becoming a five-head! He noticed it was taking him a bit longer to wash his face every morning. Just about then, in the early ‘90s, he realized a lot of his friends were buzzing their hair way down to a fashionable quarter-inch length of fuzz. He boldly decided to go all the way down to the bare scalp.
”At first, people would ask me with concern if I had cancer or AIDS or something,” adding with a laugh, “I’d say, no, I’m just very bald!” It takes him longer to shave each morning, but Joe thinks the shaved head looks stronger than fuzz or a partial head of fringe. “Now I look like Mr. Clean with an attitude.”
Another friend, Craig, is an avid bicyclist. He was doing the comb-over for 20 years. “Ironically, by shaving my head, I was trying to look less bald! And I think it worked!” He also notes that, when he is cycling, “I’m more aerodynamic now, too!”
So, gentlemen, in conclusion — Tear up your Hair Club card, pour the Rogaine down the drown and toss out those hats. Now, run outside! Make friends with the wind and rain!
Sally Stang is a resident of Lambertville.

