You’re going to have to excuse me for a minute, because I’ve just had a horrible shock. My heart is racing, I’m dizzy, there are black spots dancing in front of my eyes, and the world seems to have faded into 50 shades of gray. My worst fears of last January have come to pass: Hostess Brands, which makes some of my favorite foods like Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Hostess Cup- Cakes and Wonder Bread (“Helps build strong bodies 12 ways”), has announced that it is going out of business! As a baby boomer who grew up with all that stuff, I simply can’t imagine a world without a Twinkie in it. Can you? Are you feeling my pain?
(Editor’s note: Those screams of horror you hear coming from a westerly direction originate in Colorado, where they voted in the election Nov. 6 to legalize the recreational use of pot and are having an anticipatory case of the munchies.)
Regular readers might remember a column I wrote at the beginning of the year when Hostess Brands declared bankruptcy, and I suggested we all go out to buy some of that wonderful food to help keep the company in business — and also urged fellow Ding Dong junkies to tuck a few cases of our favorites away in the cellar, just in case the worst came to pass. Those delicacies, except maybe Wonder Bread, are full of so many preservatives they’ve got a shelf life of around three decades, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it going bad. But now, the cases of Ding Dongs and Ho Hos we squirreled away are almost gone, and the unthinkable has happened, thanks to the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers’ International Union.
Briefly, here’s what happened. Earlier this year, citing change in the consumer market toward healthier food, which had put some of its products in what the company said was a “death spiral” — a particularly bad choice of words — Hostess Brands declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Unfortunately, the steadfast support of consumers like me was not enough to pull the company back from the brink in the following months, and it decided it had to ask the bakers union, which represents about 5,000 Hostess workers, to accept some concessions like pay cuts, cuts to benefits, and contributions to the workers’ pension plans. The proposal was opposed by 92 percent of the union members, and they went on strike Nov. 9, which effectively curtailed the company’s ability to make and distribute food (I know some of you might argue that Hostess products are not food in the traditional sense, or even the scientific sense, but I’m not in the mood to hear it).
It’s interesting to note that the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, which represents about 6,700 Hostess workers, agreed to concessions with Hostess recently that included 8 percent wage reductions and 17 percent benefits reductions. Their leadership had urged the bakers union to allow members to vote by secret ballot about whether to continue the walkout, but that request was ignored, and now their members will be out of jobs as well.
The strike was the straw that broke the Ding Dong’s back. Late last week, Hostess Brands said it had no choice but to unplug the ovens, fire its more than 18,000 workers, and sell its assets (including those mysterious gizmos that squirt the cream filling into the middle of Twinkies and CupCakes). Company bigwigs said that shipments of bread and other delights will continue until supplies run out, which means that if you want one last chance at scoring a case of Twinkies (Do you have any idea how much those will go for on eBay in 10 or 20 years? Do you have any idea how much they’ll go for in Colorado, or Washington — where they also voted to legalize the recreational use of ganja — next week?), you’d better quit reading this column right this second, hop in the car (thank heavens gas rationing is over) and start scouring every convenience store in driving distance.
I figure I just lost about 75 percent of my audience, but for those of you who aren’t out looking for Hostess products, I’d like to take a moment this day before Thanksgiving (which is when this column will be published), and tell you that one of the things I’m thankful for are folks out there who read, and enjoy, this column on a regular basis. I get a lot of reader response to this column, and I often share some of the comments people make about it. Often, I share the opinions of people with a different perspective, or those of people who disagree with me — but I seldom share the words of people who took the time to write and give me a pat on the back.
Like Stuart, who said this week, “Dear Mr. Bean: I just wanted to take a minute to let you know I enjoy reading your weekly column in the Sentinel. Your insight and honesty is always appreciated. Your information is always on target. Please keep up the great job.”
Or Richard, who noticed that my column didn’t appear one week, and wrote when it reappeared, “You had me worried, as I did not see any article in the Transcript last week. Thought that something happened to you.”
Or Ben, who said recently, “I live in North Brunswick, N.J., and we have a local paper the Sentinel. I open it up to your column, first thing every Thursday when it’s delivered (to my front lawn).”
Or Carolyn, who said this week, “This is one of those rare occasions that I send a note to a columnist, but since I have been reading your words since high school, I feel as if we could be old friends.”
I feel the same way, Carolyn, and Richard, and Stuart, and all the rest of you who let me know from time to time that something I wrote resonated, or made you smile, or helped you pass the time. I even liked hearing from the guy who said he reads my column every week, in the bathroom, while he goes about his business. You guys, and ladies, are the reason I keep on keepin’ on. Happy Thanksgiving! Gregory Bean is the former executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. You can reach him at [email protected].