By Lea Kahn, Staff Writer
Bullies, who have been around for ever, used to pick on their victims in the cafeteria, on the school bus or on the playground but their reach has expanded so they can bully a victim at home, through the Internet.
It is that technology that has made bullying worse, even to the point that bullying has reached epidemic proportions among young people, said Naomi Drew, a former Lawrence resident who has written seven books about peacemaking.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, Ms. Drew told parents at an anti-bullying workshop last week. It is possible for children to become “bully-proof” with the help of their parents, and for parents to ensure that their offspring are not themselves becoming bullies.
”This is not theoretical. There are real tools you can use with your children,” Ms. Drew said at the Jan. 23 workshop, which was sponsored by the Character Team at the Lawrenceville Elementary School and funded by a grant from the Lawrence Township Education Foundation.
State law defines bullying as any electronic communication, gesture, written or verbal act that emotionally or physically harms a child, Ms. Drew said. Bullying may make the child fearful of being physically harmed, and creates a hostile environment that affects the child in school.
”Why is so much of this going on? Bullying has always gone on. It is nothing new. But what is different today is that technology has made it worse. Also, there are many horrible role models in the world. There are a lot of negative role models,” she said.
And the world has changed since the 9/11 terror attacks, Ms. Drew said. She cited a study of college students who attended college after the 2001 terror attacks, which revealed that they rate 40 percent lower in the degree of empathy they show as compared to older college students.
A child who “acts nerdy” or who doesn’t wear the right type of clothing is said by bullies to “deserve” being bullied, she said. What is happening more often is that children justify their bad behavior, she said.
It is up to parents, however, to stop it, Ms. Drew said. Parents must model empathetic and respectful behavior. Sometimes, it’s as simple as watching a TV show with the child and asking him how he thinks the program character felt if that character is being mistreated, she said.
And if the child acts disrespectful toward a sibling or parent, it is up to the parent to say that the remark was upsetting. The goal is not make the child feel guilty, but to raise awareness of how their actions impact other people and to hold them accountable for their actions, she said.
Bullying is also about power, and many bullies have high levels of self-esteem. Research has shown “across the board” that the prime motivator for a bully is power not a lack of self-confidence, she said. In fact, children who are “second tier” in popularity are more prone to bullying, she added.
So how does a parent “bully-proof” a child?
It begins with teaching them not to tolerate cruel behavior that demeans or hurts another child’s feelings, Ms. Drew said. Girls must learn that dating violence is not acceptable, because a boy who mistreats a girl does not really love her, she said.
A child must learn to avoid children who are “trouble” and not seek that child’s approval or friendship, she said. A child who doesn’t treat another child well and makes that child feel bad about himself or herself is a bully and not a friend, she said, adding that “(being a) cool (kid) is not better than (being) kind.”
Parents must point out the child’s competencies their strong points and talents to create a sense of self-worth, which will inoculate the child against being bullied, she said. Bullying “undercuts” that sense of self-worth, and it is important to tell the child that “you don’t have to let him do that to you,” she said.
A child must learn how to hold his head up high and walk away from a bully, Ms. Drew said. It’s learning to stand tall, feet apart, and acting as if he or she is totally confident not to display nervousness. Body language and facial expression should be strong but neutral. Make direct eye contact and tell the bully that “I don’t want you to talk to me like that” and then walk away, she said.
It requires practice and role-playing at home, Ms. Drew said.
A child also needs to know that seeking help is not the same as tattling or being a snitch “a label that is worse than death” for an adolescent, she said. Asking for help in dealing with a bully is not the same thing as going to the teacher or guidance counselor and getting that child in trouble, she said.
”They have to go to someone, and hopefully it will be you,” Ms. Drew said to the parents. “Keep the lines of communication open. I would try to talk to my own children. We would go for a ride in the car and I would ask them about what is happening (in their lives).”
”Communication is critical on a number of levels,” she said. “When the lines of communication are open, they won’t feel ashamed to talk to you. Often, in cases of bullying, the child doesn’t want to talk and the parents may back off. But the truth is, they need to communicate. My children are grown, but they still talk to me.”
While most bullying has taken place directly between children, cyber-bullying is less personal but equally damaging. Ms. Drew told the parents that they must establish rules about the correct use of computers, cell phone and other electronic devices. Make it clear about which sites they may visit.
Remind them to be careful of what they post online, because it never goes away, Ms. Drew said. Don’t post something that would be hurtful or embarrassing to another person or that would make the child embarrassed. And do not share their password with anyone else, other than their parents who need it in order to monitor online activity.
But one of the most important things is to teach the child to be an “up-stander” to stand up for themselves or when they see that another child is being bullied, Ms. Drew said. Bullying stops in less than 10 seconds more than half of the time when a peer intervenes on behalf of the victim, she said.
”Teach your child to be an ‘up-stander.’ The more up-standers there are, the less bullying that will go on,” Ms. Drew said.

