If parents, teachers and staff members want to stem the tide of teenage suicides, they need to tell young people again and again how important they are to the adults in their lives, and that the adults will always be there for them and never give up on them.
That is the message that therapist George Scott delivered to several hundred parents, teachers and mental health professionals last week who attended a special meeting – a “call to action” – aimed at combating teenage suicides.
The Jan. 9 meeting at Rider University was organized by 10 Mercer County public school district superintendents in the wake of the deaths of seven young people – who either lived in Mercer County or who attended a public or private school in Mercer County – in the last 20 months.
“As superintendents, we are trying to get the message out that we care. We love your kids. The battle is real. Let’s work together to save lives,” Crystal Edwards, the superintendent of schools for the Lawrence Township Public School District, told the attendees.
Scott, who is the statewide coordinator for the Traumatic Loss Coalition, said teenage suicide is a public health issue that parents, mental health professionals, elected officials, police, clergy, youth faith leaders and educators need to address. The Traumatic Loss Coalition is the primary youth suicide prevention program in New Jersey.
Although death by suicide can occur in any age group, young people between the ages of 10 years old and 24 years old are in a high-risk group for committing suicide, Scott said. When young people reach the point where they say to themselves, “I can’t do this anymore,” they begin to think about suicide, he said.
“Suicide is the result of having an ‘inside story’ that is different from the ‘outside story.’ They can’t solve their own problems. They are feeling significant hurt and emotional pain. Adults have to help them,” Scott said.
Suicide stems from multiple factors coming together, he said. It’s not about being grounded or getting a bad grade. Life’s stresses to play a role, but adults cannot protect children from stress. The adults in their lives need to help young people develop resiliency so they can bounce back, he said.
Young people who are experiencing emotional distress and who are considering suicide will show behaviors that are red flags – irritability, anger, hostility, self-injury and extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure, Scott said. If this behavior lasts for a long time, “it’s a problem,” he said.
Also, the child may not want to go to school or may be absent frequently, Scott said. School is a safe place for children that is filled with adults who care about them, so if a child avoids going to school or is absent, there may be an issue, he said.
Home should be a sanctuary, Scott said. A child should be able to come home and feel safe. A basic need of humans is the feeling of attachment, which is the opposite of isolation. One of the secrets to pulling a family together to create a sanctuary and feeling of attachment is to have dinner together at least once a week, he said.
But if the family’s home life is chaotic, the risk of a child committing suicide increases substantially, Scott said. A child who questions his or her sexual orientation is at higher risk of committing suicide because he or she is often “pushed to the margins” and may be rejected by the family, he said.
Social isolation, which often results from excessive use of social media and playing violent video games, also raises the risk of suicide. In video games, which do not allow for social interaction, the virtual world becomes confused with the real world, Scott said.
And of course, having access to guns, pills and alcohol increases the risk of suicide, Scott said.
“If you have guns in the house, they have to be put away, away, away,” he said. “You have to safety-proof the house [until the situation is stabilized].”
That’s because when there has been a prior suicide attempt, the child is much more likely to try again, he said. There is a stigma associated with seeking help for suicidal thoughts and sometimes there is a lack of access to counselors who can help.
Suicide is also contagious – not like the flu, but emotionally contagious, Scott said. The victim’s friends may think he or she was “courageous” to have carried out the act, and think that their friend is not suffering anymore.
“I am worried that there have been seven suicides in 20 months,” he said.
Action is needed immediately, Scott said, if a child talks about killing himself, gives away prized possessions, says goodbye to friends, feels trapped, ashamed or humiliated, or withdraws from activities and searches online for ways to die.
What can a parent do?
Parents need to talk to the counselor or child study team members at school, call a mental health helpline and talk to the child directly, Scott said. Do not minimize the child’s feelings. Ask the child directly about suicide plans, remain calm and assure the child that you will help him or her to seek out help.
So what else can a parent do?
There are protective factors – ensure there is access to care for mental health issues, limit a child’s exposure to social media and violent video games to decrease social isolation, make certain there is stability in the home, and engage the child in real conversation, he said.
“And give them a 20-second hug so they feel a connection. That hug means, ‘You matter to me,’” Scott said, because hugs show attachment and create a bond between parent and child.
While there is no such thing as “perfect parenting,” parents should manage their own emotional issues and focus on the child, he said. It is never too late to make changes, Scott said.