In recent years, I assumed that etiquette, defined (by Merriam-Webster) as, “the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life,” had befallen the same fate as the telephone booth.
My grandkids with cell phones in their hands have heard me rant about manners on numerous occasions, but probably never have uttered the word ‘etiquette.’ The closest they have come to verbalizing a principle of etiquette is singing Aretha Franklin’s rendition of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Contrary to the conventional wisdom from those born and bred in the social media era, etiquette is not dead yet, according to one longtime Princeton area resident, Mary Harris.
She is committed to making sure that etiquette remains alive and well and relevant in the lives of young and old alike. And in the next few weeks, McCarter Theatre in Princeton is giving Ms. Harris, who is a professional etiquette consultant, a very proper boost.
In connection with the current theater production of Edith Wharton’s love story, The Age of Innocence, McCarter is the host to a special event: An Evening of Etiquette, Tuesday, Oct. 2, featuring guest speaker “renowned etiquette consultant” Mary Harris of Mary Harris Events. (The play runs through Oct. 7; www.mccarter.org.)
Etiquette, manners, avoiding scandal in a society ruled by rigid protocol are an omnipresent theme of this lyrical love story, a world premiere production about star-crossed lovers forced to choose between love and honor. It is adapted by Oscar® and Tony® nominee (and Princeton University alumnus), Douglas McGrath.
Before I start describing how Ms. Harris lives by the rules and loves it, I have a confession: I am NOT being polite or mannerly when I report my surprise at loving this production. I had a ho-hum expectation of a play about 19thcentury New York City society, manners, and star-crossed lovers.
My expectations were way off base – not only because the play reflected McCarter production excellence at its best, but also because the story has timeless relevance and thought-provoking depth about life and relationships and the decisions we make – in the context of society-imposed rules of behavior.
“In this play, the rules of etiquette are as much of a character as the two lovers. The 19thcentury was a most rigid time – an etiquette misstep would have major consequences in one’s personal and professional life. The rules made it easier to navigate society…. Everyone was operating with the same foundation, similar social norms,” said Mary.
Always fascinated by etiquette, Mary as a young teen found her mother’s many books on etiquette as captivating as Nancy Drew books. Perhaps she was seeking not just the happy ending, but also the comfort of an orderly and respectful way of getting to that ending.
The mother of two grown children, Mary had a successful career as a caterer and event planner, when she saw an opportunity to take her career in a different direction. Her event clients, often confused by today’s Wild West environment when it came to rules of social etiquette, frequently sought Mary’s advice on the proper way of doing things before, during, and after the event.
Over the years, from consulting on the right way to word an invitation to guidance on how to handle the boss who boldly invited herself to the wedding reception, Mary found a niche profession as Princeton’s Emily Post and has fielded numerous questions on the subject of social and business etiquette.
“There was an obvious demand in the marketplace for a modern etiquette expert – and I was happy that my business of catering and event planning, along with my lifelong fascination with etiquette put me in a good position to satisfy that demand,” said Mary, who, in addition to consulting, gives etiquette seminars to people of all ages, including teenagers. She focuses, however, on business etiquette for small and mid-sized companies with an emphasis on educating corporate executives and entrepreneurs about the power of soft skills in business.
“There is a concrete benefit to mastering these soft skills of social interactions,” said Mary. “They provide executives and entrepreneurs the confidence that give them an advantage both socially and professionally…. The rules of etiquette simply formalize treating people with respect and civility.”
The rules of etiquette change as society changes. For example, Mary is now freer with allowing the use of emojis and exclamation marks in social event invitations – 10 years ago, she would have found such usage inappropriate. The underlying principles (respect and civility) for the rules, however, do not change. One of her constant rules of etiquette that never will change for her is punctuality. “This is not a very confusing rule, just show up on time. To be late is disrespectful, unless there is an unavoidable – and truthful – reason,” she said.
Just one final note to my grandkids: Mary Harris’s kids – one in college and one just out of college – write thank you notes on paper with a pen and send them in envelopes with stamps. And furthermore, it is not okay to blow your nose in your napkin – quietly or otherwise. www.maryharris.net.