Around Town
Dr. Spock never
mentioned juggling
When kids come into our lives, wouldn’t it be nice if they brought along an instruction manual? Although there are plenty of books on the subject, each parent has their own style. I suppose we all develop our individual style based on our own life experiences. Most of us draw on our past and our own upbringing and choose to emulate some aspects and dismiss others.
Then we look to friends and other sources, but in the end when they put that bundle of joy in our arms, we’re on our own. From that moment on, our lives are forever changed, and despite the best-laid plans, our days (and nights) are never the way we expect them to be. Those innocent little bundles inadvertently provide lots of twists, turns and bumps along the way. Welcome to the roller-coaster ride called parenthood!
I’ve known so many people who, before having children of their own, looked at kids being rambunctious and said, “When we have kids, it’s going to be different. They’re going to sit when I say sit and do whatever I say.” My husband and I would laugh and say, “Just wait.” Those people have lived to eat their words time and again with each kid they’ve had.
It’s hard to know what to do in every situation that comes our way. Trial and error and flying by the seat of your pants is very often the case. It’s our job to teach our children to become confident, responsible and productive members of society at every stage of the game. This is no simple task. We have to mold and shape this little person by providing unconditional love, support and guidance.
We have to teach them right from wrong without breaking their spirit and leaving them unable to think for themselves. We have to be firm when necessary and we also have to be there with open arms when they need comfort. We must decide when to reprimand, but never forget to express praise when it’s earned. We must be their advocate and fight for their rights when they need us to, but we must also teach them to stick up for themselves yet remember to consider someone else’s point of view and be fair.
No one ever told us juggling would be a factor in raising our families, but don’t forget, we have to do all of the above while driving them all over the neighborhood to keep them happy and enriched, not to mention well-fed and healthy. Above all, we must listen to what they are saying and respect their feelings if we are to expect respect ourselves. Sometimes a little hug and just letting them know you understand how they are feeling is all you need to do.
I suppose as the family grows we are more prepared to face the normal things kids throw our way, but there’s always going to be a curve. We don’t expect serious illnesses or injuries that take over our entire lives – for a little while in some cases, for years in others. If it should happen, these can be the most frustrating times because you often have no control and no way to protect your child from what is happening to him.
When it hits you, you have no choice but to move forward and remain strong for your child and the rest of your family. You can fall apart on your own time, but in dire situations you have to bite the bullet and do whatever it takes, take your child wherever you have to and deal with everything the doctors say, while hoping and praying for the best. Sometimes the most trying of times make us stronger people in the long run, but we can certainly live without it. Your perspective on the whole situation can make a big difference. Just when you think things can’t be any worse, you look around the waiting room or the hospital and realize it could be worse, and in a bizarre turn of events you may even start to consider yourself lucky.
Well-meaning parents do everything we can to teach our children good habits they can use throughout their lives. It starts out with manners and safety tips, such as “say please and thank you,” and “remember to always wear your helmet when riding your bike or scooter,” and escalates over the years to “take out the garbage” and “don’t drive fast, don’t accept a ride from an irresponsible friend, and stay away from alcohol and drugs.” It happens in the blink of an eye. One day they’re riding their tricycle and the next they’re driving off in a car with a friend.
So what’s a parent to do? Times are quite different than they were when I was growing up. Children are exposed to so much more. Sex, violence, drugs and diseases are all around them – in fictional media and real life. How long can we shield them from the harsh realities of living in a post-Sept. 11 world when we can barely fathom it ourselves? How do we keep our children safe while sending them out into the world without making them paranoid? If someone out there knows the answer, I’d like to know.
I’m certainly no expert on parenting, but I go with my gut. We’re all human and we all make mistakes, whether we’re 8, 18 or 48. I’ve learned that it’s wise to pick and choose battles with our children; otherwise, they will resent us and tune us out like the boy who cried wolf. We need to point out and deal accordingly with the potentially dangerous mistakes at each stage of growth and overlook minor, harmless things, as long as they don’t impact on anyone else.
No matter how hard we try, there are times when our kids have to learn from their own mistakes. We can tell them time and again to put that helmet on or drive slowly, but the true test is what happens when we’re not there to watch. We have to hope they will remember our warnings, but if they have to learn from their mistakes (because they often think they are invincible), let’s hope that the lesson doesn’t come with irreversible consequences. Although it may not seem that way at the time, a speeding ticket might just provide the least costly lesson.
Unfortunately the fact still remains that our kids can do everything we’ve taught them and still get hurt at the hands of another. There are no guarantees in life.
In the end, the best we can do is give our kids our unconditional love and encouragement, a little advice now and then, and all the tools we can to help them make the right decisions in their own lives. After that, all we can do is hope for the best.
Amy Rosen is a Greater Media News-papers staff writer.