Speaker: Parents must teach
values, not fear, to children
By karl vilacoba
Staff Writer
MARLBORO — "My parents will kill me" is not motivation enough in a day when kids are smarter than you are, according to speaker Thomas Palermo.
In an Oct. 2 lecture titled "Stop the Yelling and Gain Cooperation," Palermo told a Marlboro Middle School auditorium crowded with parents that anger and fear tactics are ultimately doomed to fail. Palermo is the founder of Positive Parenting, and an author, trainer and member of the National Speakers Association.
The event was sponsored by the Marlboro Board of Education, the Marlboro Township Alliance for the Prevention of Substance Abuse and the community’s PTA/PTO/SCOPE organizations.
As a speaker, Palermo was very animated, using humorous anecdotes to establish serious points.
"Our children are smarter than we ever were. They are pressing and pushing because they have access to more information," Palermo said. "Today, more than ever, we must teach our children values rather than fear."
Palermo challenged the audience members to think about situations between children and parents in a clear, rational manner. Every antecedent, or environment, offers a child a choice of behaviors which carries its own consequences.
For example, an antecedent could be a mom talking on the phone, which leads to the behavior of a child’s interruptions. If ignored, the consequence will be the child raiding the cookie jar to get attention, which is often followed by yelling.
"We can change the antecedent and we can change the consequence, and this will change the behavior," Palermo said.
As a consequence, Palermo believes fear tactics can’t be effective unless they are applied at all times. Once a child is in a situation where parents aren’t present, they will do the things that their parents warn against.
"Einstein said that insanity is when you do something over and over again and expect a different result," Palermo said.
Successful parenting also can’t survive on rewarding good behavior, which he called "bribery," or the threat of punishment, which he said is tantamount to "extortion." The challenge is for parents to communicate and teach the skills of accepting criticism, following instructions, accepting "no," accepting consequences and controlling emotions, he said.
Parents must clearly reason with their children that certain behaviors will result in the exact opposite of what the child wants, whether that’s a cookie or going to a friend’s house. Use reason, avoid threats and enforce your decision, he suggested.
"Whatever you were going to threaten, do, that is fair," Palermo said. "Stop saying things twice."