Surviving ‘single parenthood’ while your spouse is away.
By: Karen Deaver
I remember the day I said to myself, "I didn’t sign on for this."
My toddler and I had dropped my husband, Steve, off at the train again on his way out of town. He’s a race car engineer who travels to upwards of 15 different circuits during a season that runs from February through October. They don’t call us ‘race widows’ for nothin’. The last time I counted, I had more than a hundred days of single parenthood last year.
Steve’s absences, which range from between four to 14 days, were liberating when we were kidless. We became fonder with distance and, when he returned, we had nothing but stories to tell and affection to make up for.
A child changes everything, of course. Suddenly I was counting the hours until Steve came home to relieve me from isolation, exhaustion and frozen pizza.
As a stay-at-home single parent, my respect for true single parents, especially those without a choice, sky-rocketed with new-found compassion. Even in the best of circumstances, with two involved parents, a primary caregiver’s 24/7 job is worthy of accolades. Without built-in breaks and the daily support of a partner, it’s a job that deserves the highest acclaim.
For Kelly, an at-home mom of a 19-month-old, the infant years held particular challenges. Those early, constant demands can be overwhelming when there’s no one to trade off with, keeping the most intrepid mothers from seeking out activities or simply shopping on a continual basis.
Fatigue was a problem for Kelly when her husband traveled, and the well-meaning advice she received, "sleep when the baby sleeps," became a "recipe for insanity, as there was no part of life where I wasn’t a slave to child care." Kelly preferred to use the baby’s down time to catch up with herself. It was a relief when, at 18 months, they weaned their son so she could get the sleep she needed at night.
"Knowing I can’t rotate bath times, that I won’t get breaks, means that I have to pace myself differently from others," says Christine, a mom whose husband has rarely been home at all this year. Regular playgroup outings and a schedule that makes time to herself has saved Christine from another challenge isolation, which can make or break your success at adapting to a traveling spouse, she believes.
Natalie, co-leader of the Princeton chapter of Mothers & More, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of mothers, agrees that a rigid schedule is key. "I need to know that by 8:30, it’s me time," she says, adding loneliness and boredom to the list of solo stresses. Connecting to other women in the same situation through e-mail loops and a Mothers & More group, H.O.O.T.O.W.L. (Husbands Out of Town or Working Late), which brings women and kids together for monthly outings, has been tremendously helpful.
For women whose spouses don’t travel but who work late regularly, "it can be even harder," says Natalie, "because they’ll often adjust the kids’ schedules to their husbands’ and won’t get them to bed until very late."
For Natalie, long blocks of absence are easier to manage because she can prepare for them. "I arrange in advance for my in-laws to baby sit, and for trips on the weekends," which can be the toughest time of the week for single parents.
Traditional family times like weekends and holidays can leave a single parent feeling desolate. My husband was away during Thanksgiving week this year, for which I prepared by planning family visits and by trying to be realistic about how it would be without him neither ideal nor disastrous.
As well as keeping in close touch, if possible, with your spouse, following rituals both familiar and special to you and your children eases the way.
For moms with outside jobs, the isolation and loneliness described by moms at home can seem like a luxury. But what the working moms gain adult contact, intellectual stimulation and an imposed schedule can make a spouse’s absences easier to cope with. For others, especially those without family or paid support, an additional career makes life more difficult.
Adhering to her pre-baby job schedule was, for Natalie, mentally easier but physically draining; working part-time would be her current ideal.
Supportive and logistically close family members can alleviate single-parent stress by providing breaks, helping around the house, and sharing experience.
Natalie grew up in a military family, one in which her father frequently traveled. When she approached her mother for advice, she was told to "schedule any future pregnancies."
Expecting her second child next year, Natalie thinks she’ll rely more on her parents and in-laws than she does now. She has also worked into her budget a cleaning and lawn service and is open to the idea of seeking therapy at some point, to maintain perspective.
"My friends give sympathy and solutions, but I think an objective therapist would help sort out where the real stresses are, which are hormone-related, and how each can be coped with," she says.
For instance, when reduced face time began to hinder Steve and my ability to connect, and thus to empathize, we sought help.
The less time together, the less "cross teaching" can be done between partners, says Shelley, whose partner travels occasionally and often works late. It’s tempting to shriek at each other, "You just don’t understand what I do," she says, and to compete for who has more responsibility to shoulder.
"We went through the tit-for-tat," says Christine, "but it becomes a wash fast. No one wins that argument."
Therapy reignited the closeness Steve and I were missing not only because we found an excellent counselor but because we made it a priority to sit and listen to each other.
Natalie advises parents to be realistic about their expectations. When spouses come home, for example, they want to "relax, have sex, eat a home-cooked meal (maybe not in that order) and you don’t," she says.
Another re-entry hazard is the temptation to coach your spouse on how to do everything, says Shelley.
"I have to hold myself back from telling Terri that our son likes this food at this temperature at this time. I’ve really no right to complain she isn’t there and then tell her what to do when she’s home."
Coping strategies for me and my son have included a tall stack of videos and the Daddy Calendar, which we draw and fill in with the number of days Steve will be gone and what he’s doing on each day. At night we put a sticker on the day now past, and count how many are left until we can be together.
For my own well-being, physical and creative outlets are key. Whether mambo dancing or journaling, uninterrupted time to feed body and soul is imperative and can be worked into most budgets. I’ve bartered writing for pottery classes and frequently trade kid care with friends.
For taking the edge off meal times, freezing entrees in advance and giving yourself permission to eat ice cream for breakfast works.
"We shouldn’t feel like we’re bad mothers," says Natalie, if the routines we devise for when Dad’s away "include a popcorn dinner in front of the TV."
When flying solo, it’s important to step back now and again and give ourselves the credit we deserve. With our vision focused entirely on our kids, we rarely acknowledge the strength, stamina and resourcefulness it takes to go it alone. As Christine reminds me, "We must have a level of bravery to do it."
Reminding ourselves that "this too shall pass" keeps life in perspective, a sentiment Kelly echoes: "My husband and I seem to understand that we’re in a foxhole, riding out a tough time. But we’re optimistic that it will be different at some point."
Contact www.mothersandmore.org for information about H.O.O.T.O.W.L. and about e-mail loops for parents whose spouses are away.