Hope Bible Church in Jamesburg offers a Divorce Care support group
By:Sharlee Joy DiMenichi
JAMESBURG When vows of "till death do us part" end prematurely, anguish and financial chaos often follow.
Depression may debilitate the recently divorced and children may become the pawns of their warring parents. To help divorced and divorcing people heal, the House of Hope Bible Church in Jamesburg offers a Divorce Care support group.
Through the Tuesday night meetings, which feature an educational video and a group sharing session facilitated by a pastoral counselor, the church hopes to offer comfort and company to those enduring the end of marriage.
Teri Willis, a licensed pastoral counselor who facilitates the group, said she seeks to help anyone dealing with divorce, regardless of religious background, and to offer a comprehensive approach to recovery.
"We try to minister to every need that is there," Ms. Willis said.
Ms. Willis said she feels called to help divorcees heal and regrets that some Christians ostracize divorced people for violating Jesus’ teachings on the sanctity of marriage.
"How un-Christlike to give that attitude to someone who is hurting and devastated," Ms. Willis said.
The Rev. Kathy Bichsel, pastor of House of Hope, expressed a similar view. The Rev. Bichsel said that when believers condemn divorcees, she is reminded of the New Testament story of Jesus confronting a woman caught in adultery. A group of outraged men brought the woman to Jesus, reminding him that the law required that she be stoned to death as punishment. Jesus told members of the mob that only a sinless person could throw the first stone and the crowd dissipated, leaving the woman unharmed.
The Rev. Bichsel said one of her aims in offering the Divorce Care group was, "to break that stigma where the church is that place that you get hit with the first stone."
Ms. Willis said that cohabiting couples going through the breakup of their homes are welcome in the group, whether they are heterosexual or same-sex. Ms. Willis and the Rev. Bichsel said that although the church does not endorse same-sex marriage, it seeks to help anyone who is suffering.
"We’re not going to say, ‘well, you were not legally married so your pain of your separation is on you,’ " Ms. Willis said.
The group focuses on 12 aspects of divorce, devoting two sessions to issues related to children and one to financial recovery. To address the emotional aftermath of divorce, one session offers suggestions for dealing with anger constructively while another provides tips on handling loneliness.
Theresa Alleman, who attends the support group, said she found the combination of an educational video and sharing session helpful and particularly benefited from help with the emotional aspects of divorce.
"One of the key things maybe was how to deal with anger," Ms. Alleman said.
Ms. Alleman said that many angry people do not realize that hostility is only one of a range of negative results of harboring anger. She said that unresolved anger can increase one’s risk for diseases, such as arthritis.
The National Institute of Health reports that research has demonstrated links between emotions and immunity, with some forms of stress interrupting the communication between the brain and the immune system, according to the Web site www.nlm.nih.gov/hmd/emotions/frontiers.html.
Ms. Willis said she seeks to reassure group participants that they need not feel guilty about experiencing anger and that there are sinful and nonsinful ways to react to their angry feelings.
"We just let them know that to be angry is not a sin. We explain that so no one is under condemnation," Ms. Willis said.
In addition to the anger that divorce often triggers, Ms. Willis said loneliness strikes almost all divorcing couples, regardless of how close they are to God.
"Even Christians can feel very lonely and very isolated during this process," Ms. Willis said.
Ms. Willis said that, in addition to educating participants about how to handle loneliness, the support group fosters friendships among people who share common experiences. She said that dating among group members is not allowed because starting a new relationship while in the throes of divorce often distracts divorcees from the healing process.
Ms. Willis has been married to the same man for 16 years, but has witnessed the painful divorces of immediate family members, which inspired her to care for those in process of ending their marriages. Ms. Willis, 41, said her parents divorced when she was a child, but later resolved their differences enough to reunite and are now happily married. She said that her sister’s divorce induced depression so severe that her sister could not get out of bed.
In addition to helping divorcees cope with their emotions, the group helps parents avoid common mistakes in helping their children through, Ms. Willis said.
Ms. Alleman said that one divorcing spouse often tries to keep the children from the other, not realizing the emotional damage.
"I think that the temptation is always there because when you’re being mistreated, you want to protect yourself and protect your children," Ms. Alleman said
Ms. Alleman said that divorced parents should take particular care to establish firm boundaries and teach their children to express their anger respectfully.
"What they do now and what you allow them to do is what they’ll do as an adult," Ms. Alleman said.
Ms. Willis said that divine assistance is crucial to completely healing from divorce and limiting the damage to children and that she advises participants to deepen their relationship with God.
"I personally don’t believe full recovery is possible without the help of someone bigger and stronger," Ms. Willis said.
Although the group has a Christian basis, it is not an evangelical tool, the Rev. Bichsel said.
"Our heart is for you to be restored, not to convert you," the Rev. Bichsel said.
For information about the Divorce Care support group contact the Rev. Bichsel at (732) 605 1395. For information about the Divorce Care nationwide ministry, visit www.divorcecare.com.