By Linda McCarthy
I’m sure I’ve complained about this before because according to my family that’s all I do, but this topic really bugs me … quite literally. Why has my home been designated as the mecca for fruit flies?
I guess the problem starts at the grocery store. I tend to buy an overabundance of fruit because I need something to hide the chocolate chip cookies and potato chips. For some reason I’m very concerned that the checkout girl will judge my nutritional choices. If there is something healthy on the conveyer belt, she is less likely to critique my cart. I know I’m being completely paranoid because the last kid that scanned my groceries was so busy talking to her boyfriend in the next aisle, she wouldn’t have noticed if my hair was on fire.
When all this healthy stuff hits my kitchen it serves more as a decorative accessory than a dietary option. The boys will come in proclaiming they’re starving, but it never occurs to them to eat a banana. I guess they are not entirely to blame. Since they were little, the normal routine was to buy a bunch of green bananas, watch them turn yellow, then toss them when they turned black. I’m not sure my kids even know bananas are actually edible. My mom used to use the mushy bananas to make bread from scratch, but the thought of me doing that is almost laughable.
My kitchen is like the Amityville horror. I have to go in there armed with a swatter and a bee keeper’s veil so the fruit flies don’t get caught in my teeth. I can’t get rid of them. I actually did some research on the little devils. I was determined to locate the source and ultimately, the solution to the infestation.
I found out more than I ever wanted to know. Words like egg laying, larva and feeding frenzy kept whirling though my head. It seems these critters are quite prolific, able to reproduce up to 500 times in their short eight-day life span. Picture that millions of gnats generating at a rate that exponentially makes annihilation virtually impossible.
All I really know is what I’ve suspected all along. Health food can kill you or at the very least gross you out. There is nothing safer than a Twinkie wrapped in airtight plastic with enough preservatives to successfully carry it through to the next millennium. I’d much rather picture my innards being protected by some chemical that I cannot pronounce than being infested with larva.
So the next time you reach for that peach or juicy apple ask yourself, “Am I biting off more than I want to chew?” Chances are you’d be better off with a nice bag of Fritos; at least you know you’ll be dining alone.
I finally located the source of the swarm. It seems a rogue potato rolled to the back of the pantry and took up residence. At least I think it was a potato … who knows. ls1
Linda McCarthy resides in Robbinsville with her husband and three children.
