Princeton psychologist Beth A. Grosshans offers help to beleaguered parents in ‘Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm.’ On Thursday at Labryrinth Books, she discusses her remedies for â
Beth Grosshans loves kids. She has two of her own, and for the past two decades, has been interacting with hundreds of youngsters as a clinical child psychologist in private practice.
But what Dr. Grosshans sees out there is trouble. The Princeton therapist has deep concerns about an upside-down/inside-out power structure where, in simplest terms, kids rule.
“So many parents these days are led by their kids, and for almost two decades, I’ve been observing this from my own vantage point,” said Dr. Grosshans, who sees today’s child-centered cultural obsession as an abdication of parental responsibility, although ironically, a well-intentioned one.
“As a child psychologist, I’ve listened to the plaintive cries of parents who are struggling to understand and help their children,” she suggests in the introduction to her recently published book, “Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm” (Sterling, 2008). “I’ve heard their frustration at having ‘tried everything,’” she continues, noting that her mission is to help these parents and their children to find their way back to family harmony.
It’s no small feat, even for a deeply committed therapist who knew, from sixth grade on, that becoming a psychologist was what she wanted to do with her life.
Dr. Grosshans’ father, one of her inspirations, was a sociology professor who taught at Cornell University and spent most of his career as head of the sociology department at the University of Cincinnati. “Both my parents were able to create a lively household where ideas were constantly flowing, but a household in which there was still order. And from that came a certain security.”
But Dr. Grosshans sees little of that dynamic in today’s dizzying and chaotic family structures. As her own clinical interests revolved around children and adolescents at Ohio State University, where she received her master’s and doctoral degrees, she honed in on the struggle of the children she saw. “It was an effort for them just to feel happy and free of anxiety.”
There was no “Eureka!” moment for Dr. Grosshans. There was, instead, the steady, pummeling stream of evidence that the turnaround in family power was the central culprit in the eruption of family dysfunction for this psychologist, who has been a child development instructor for the Princeton Center for Teacher Education and a frequent speaker in the New Jersey Montessori Network of Schools since 1992.
That power turnaround, she believes, came from the last 40 or 50 years of experts who encouraged parents to pay attention to feelings, to make childrens’ self-esteem a priority, and to offer unconditional love. All laudatory goals — unless taken to extremes.
At the same time that this “warm front” was taking over the parenting scene, women were starting to go to work in larger numbers, and two-income families were becoming the norm. Guilt-ridden mothers, away from their children, felt a need to compensate by maximizing that contemporary buzzword, “quality time,” and to keep their children constantly entertained and happy.
A “perfect storm” was brewing that left kids indulged, unruly and yes, self-absorbed and self-centered.
Dr. Grosshans’ elegantly written book, created with her long- time colleague, clinical social worker Janet Burton, introduces the reader to four parenting styles that seem to lead inevitably to an imbalance of family power. The shortcut for that condition, IFP, becomes a cornerstone of the book.
Dr. Grosshans sees the Pleasers, the most prevalent style of parenting today, as those who make children the centerpiece of their lives. Simply put, Pleasers over-parent.
Pushover Parents, the first cousins of Pleasers, go a step further and give complete deference to their child’s wants and demands. “They don’t feel that their children will find them lovable or competent, and rather than leading their children, they follow them.”
“The Forcers represent the opposite end of the parenting spectrum,” says the author. These are believers that children need to be “broken in” and have their wills bent into compliance.
Finally, there are the Outliers, the parents, suggests Dr. Grosshans, whose style is more elusive. These parents are generally not emotionally engaged with their children, loving and caring for them, but at an emotional distance.
Based on these four basic parenting styles, Dr. Grosshans offers her book’s other major element, a system she calls “The Ladder.” Its purpose is to create a five-step action plan, complete with recommended words to use and actions to take, to defuse the power struggles that erupt and threaten to weaken, even destroy families.
It all begins with a friendly bid for cooperation, but if that fails, it progresses to the “I mean business” phase. If that fails, it moves to the removal to another space step.
The fourth step, “shutting the door,” both literally and figuratively, hopefully allows the child time and space to calm down.
Step five in the progression is known as the “Parent Hold.” It is, according to Dr. Grosshans, only to be used if a child becomes violent, kicking, biting, trashing his room, or acting in a way that may harm himself or others.
The Hold is a practiced, careful approach that involves body contact, never violence, to restrain children who are out of control through holding their wrists and, if necessary, crossing your legs over theirs. The physical struggle often subsides when this is executed in a calm, firm way that defuses the child’s violent outburst.
If Dr. Grosshans could distill out one message for overwrought parents living in an IFP (Imbalance of Family Power) world, it might be this: Children resist what they need most.
Most often, she maintains, children need parental authority, yet they are almost programmed to resist it because of their own inherent power drive.
“It’s the paradox of family relationships that a parent’s leadership is what a child needs — and most resists. The wise parent, she notes, will learn to move beyond that power struggle in which everybody loses.
The bottom line of this psychologist/author’s advice to readers is also the bottom line of her book:
“Go forward with your children, lovingly, in harmony, and with joy. Not side by side … but with you in the lead.”
“Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm” (Sterling Publishing, 2008, $19.95) by Beth A. Grosshans with Janet Burton, is available at all major book stores. Dr. Grosshans will appear at a book signing at Labyrinth Books, 122 Nassau St., Princeton on Thursday from 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.