MOST THINGS CONSIDERED
By: Minx McCloud
According to my research, the tradition of making New Year’s resolutions dates back to the early Babylonians. Their most popular resolution was to return borrowed farm equipment, although the source of my research is a bit of a wag, so he may have had his tongue firmly in cheek when he reported this fact.
Ancient Babylonians had other vices besides excessive borrowing. They really should have worked on that entire invading-and-bludgeoning-other-dynasties thing.
Resolving to improve their people skills probably should have taken precedence over returning a borrowed Weed Whacker.
Nowadays, the most popular resolutions (judging by my friends, at least) involve weight loss and quitting smoking. I stopped smoking 27 years ago, but weight loss is an ongoing battle, and I end up resolving not to eat kumquats, collard greens, or some food item that really doesn’t help with weight loss at all.
Most years I sneer at making resolutions, but this year, I came up with a few that will be relatively easy to keep.
I resolve that I will not "flip the bird" at the driver of an 18-wheeler, even if he cuts in on me without signaling and forces me up on the shoulder of Route 84 in Connecticut. Nor will I accost him at the next rest stop and question his mother’s pedigree. These actions can lead to a nightmare journey that rivals Dennis Weaver’s ill-fated car trip in the movie "Duel."
I resolve that I will never send my food back to the kitchen in a restaurant, no matter how badly it’s prepared. Not that I do this often; I’m easily pleased when it comes to restaurant fare. I’m so thrilled to be out of the house that McDonald’s looks like Black Angus beef to me.
However, after visiting a Web site devoted to the "war stories" told by food servers, I have come to respect the sheer power of these men and women. As one waiter put it (after a particularly gross story of revenge), "It’s wise to be nice to the people who are alone with your food."
I resolve never to believe anyone who tells me they’re giving me something for nothing. After years of phone calls telling me about "free" trips to the Bahamas, cell phones, jewelry, and other things I’ve "won," not by entering a contest but by simply existing, I don’t even answer the phone. The machine screens everyone.
We all know that nothing is free. They say you’ve "won" a free plane trip to the Bahamas, but if you want that airplane to have landing gear, it will cost you $500. Pilot and crew? Another $700.
However, I must put in a word of praise for the telemarketers who leave me a message touting their wares and then give me a number to call back. They are proof to me that there are still optimists in the world, innocents who believe that I actually want to hear more about their product. Gotta love ’em.
Sometimes I actually call them back, just to tell them I’m not interested but thank you so much for thinking of me. They’re just too adorable.
I resolve never to try to bathe my cat again, even if she does get into the garbage. This resolution is self-explanatory (By the way, putting miniature antlers and a Santa Claus hat on her was rather ill-advised, too).
I resolve never to tell my husband what I want for Christmas as long as I live. This results in the opposite of the desired effect. He is so determined to get me something I don’t expect that the mere mention of an item I want means I will never get it EVER. As for what he got me this year it was definitely a surprise! Oh, yes indeedy, was it ever! We won’t even go there.
I resolve to take a shopping cart into the market with me, even if I only need eggs and a loaf of bread. Never again will I try to carry 25 items to the checkout, resort to putting a couple of small things in my pockets, and get accused of shoplifting.
I also resolve not to switch lanes, even if I’m 20th on line and there’s an old lady with three cans of cat food on the next line, because I know that she’ll end up going back for kitty treats and milk, or the scanner will break down, or both. I’ll be on Medicare before I get out of that store if I switch lanes.
I resolve that no matter how ridiculous a friend looks in a newly bought outfit, I will find something good to say about her appearance. This is based on years of experience with my friends. If you shop with them and they ask your opinion about something they’re trying on, they want you to be honest. If you think your friend looks like Minnie Pearl on acid, you can tell her at this point and she’ll be grateful.
However, once she’s bought the item, brought it home, and has put it on for a special occasion, she wants SUPPORT, not honesty. It is at this point that you must swallow that belly laugh and lie like Bill Clinton on his worst day. After all, what did you expect her to do go back home and change into another dress? Return the dress to the store an hour before the boss’s formal Christmas party?
And finally, I resolve that no matter how many people tell me (for my own good, of course) that I should lose weight, dye my graying hair, or buy some new clothes, I will smile at them sweetly and not push them in front of a speeding car.
Instead of telling them how insensitive and rude they are, I will thank them for their concern, and treasure their friendship.
Then, when they’re not looking, I’ll hang a "kick me" sign on their butt.
Minx McCloud is a freelance writer who writes about life in New Jersey. She can be reached at [email protected]