MY TAKE by Rose McGlew
I’m in the midst of reading "Not Much, Just Chillin’: The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers," and feel as if some adults I know have never progressed socially beyond eighth grade. I think adolescents get a bum rap. They’re supposed to be self-centered, mean and uncaring. At middle age, we are not.
This book focuses on a middle school in a suburb of Baltimore and takes several children on as case studies. Author Linda Perlstein weaves this non-fiction almost as a very entertaining story. Her style is unique and the children in the story are measuring up to be quite the typical ‘tweens and teens. So much of the behavior is the same as it was more than 20 years ago, between the flirting and teasing and angst. It was almost a relief to know that as much as things change, they do indeed stay the same. But, in reading their stories, I began to see patterns of behavior that are still exhibited in friends and people I know now. Here. At my age.
Bullying has become a hot topic lately within the middle and elementary school sets and yet it is easy to see where the examples are seen. "In fact, though, the primary form of bullying in middle school is not shoving or threatening but excluding from the group," writes Perlstein. How many times have we snickered over the neighbor’s lawn ornaments? How quickly was the word spread that THEY were joining THAT pool club this year? When have we thought that there was no way HER son was going to make the best team? Whether it’s gossiped about in a group or noted mentally exclusion and judgment are easily accessed tools in the honing of our own bullying skills.
Remember how important it was to have Jordache jeans? And only genuine Polo or Izod shirts? And that if your hair didn’t feather just so, you would absolutely die? Well, just substitute whatever’s popular now (I wouldn’t know since we are still about a year away from anyone caring about those things in our house. I hope.), and you have the kids of today. Those wants are still the same and, again, who can they look to for guidance? The parents who are buying Coach bags, Prada business suits and the latest BMW for the garage. Hello? Didn’t you know that these things are important?!
Let’s reflect back on sixth or seventh grade for a moment and try to remember what it was like to find hair where it wasn’t yesterday. Think about the kid whose locker was next to yours at gym and how s/he never showered. Recall feeling fat, skinny, tall, short, smart, dumb, Italian, tomboyish, immature, grown-up, weird, embarrassed, embarrassing whatever. If the situation calls for grace and acceptance of one’s self, rest assured that a middle-schooler will mess it up. They are unsure of their bodies and their minds and their… well, their everything. I wonder where they get it? It couldn’t possibly be from the parents who shower and gel and spritz and make up and workout and diet and have plastic surgery, could it? Of course not. It must be from television.
Shall I even broach the mortifying subject of the other lovely changes that come along with double digits? How about being so boy crazy that your parents had to put in a second phone line? Were you kind of unsure of how you were supposed to feel when that cute boy from history class grabbed your backside in the hall? You knew it was wrong, but it didn’t feel completely all that bad. What about your friend who no longer wanted to have sleepovers but spent time with her older and more sophisticated cousin? Or, even more confusing, what about the friend who wanted to spend too much time with you especially when you both were getting changed into pajamas? Do our high rates of divorce and marital infidelity have anything to do with teens being confused about appropriate sexual development? Certainly, whole new worlds have been opened and accepted since the 1970s and 1980s. Thank you, MTV and AOL.
I’m not saying that we are completely responsible for the way our teens behave. Of course, nature is the most important factor. As I mentioned above, I think there’s a little comfort in knowing that some things never change. But as the world becomes a smaller community and kids are exposed to so much more so much earlier, I think we have a responsibility to set the boundaries and the limits of what is ultimately acceptable in our own homes. No matter what Britney Spears says.
Rose McGlew is a resident of Robbinsville. Her column appears weekly in The Messenger-Press.