Taking the kids to college
By: Joan Ruddiman
A rite of passage is playing out in households this month as parents and teens are poised to begin an entirely new phase of life.
The bed-in-a-bag is ready to go with boxes of stuff to make life in the college dorm even more comfortable than home. Though even with checks marked on the checklist parents realize with a shock that after months, if not years, of planning and anticipation they are woefully unprepared of this "going to college" moment.
Like many, I assumed that by the time we took the third kid to college, we would be old hands at the packing, room set up and happy departure.
The moving went well, but the departure was far from happy. In truth, I was mute with grief many days after leaving Jayne at her college in D.C.
Trust me that now is a good time to find some surviving college guides written for parents. There are several on the market to peruse in preparation for what is a major life transition.
"Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years, 4th edition" (Harper Paperback, 2003) was first published over a decade ago. Authors Karen Levin Coburn and Laurence Treeger cover the bases from the serious (date rape) to the silly (dorm food).
They offer a particularly good section on orientation and freshman year, both for students and their parents who are oddly disoriented as they drive away without the kid safely in the backseat.
Carol Barkin, a Harvard graduate who has written scores of books, puts her own life experiences on the line after packing her son off to college.
"When Your Kid Goes to College; A Parent’s Survival Guide" (Harper Paperbacks, 1999) is full of practical tips for dealing with how to balance a checkbook and how to deal with roommates.
What about the family dog or cat? Ms. Barkin wisely recognizes that pets react to the going away and the coming back and has some ideas on how to ease those issues for family and furry friends.
Still on my shelf, years after Jayne gave it to me during her first year of college, is "Empty Nest…Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College, 2nd edition" (Simpler Life Press, 2002). It is a delightful blend of practical advice and poignant anecdotes that will resonant with any parent who faces, or has survived, the child to adult transition.
Author Andrea Van Steenhouse is a psychologist in private practice in Colorado. Her area of expertise centers on family issues, particularly "life passages." No passage is more fraught with fearsreal and imaginedthan going to college. Moreover, this is a life passage that is being negotiated by two sets of pilgrims on parallel paths. Ms. Van Steenhouse recognizes the pains both parties are experiencing, and the reality that neither can fully communicate with the other across the chasm that separates their courses. Parents are figuring out how to let go as the kids are struggling with how to go.
It is a harrowing time, and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t.
Ms. Van Steenhouse begins with the "That Incomparable Senior Year" when kids are king of the hill and busy twenty-four hours, seven days a week, with everything but finishing the college essays. Through her own experiences and those of other parents and students, she shares valuable advice on the college search process. She notes to make sure you visit the school when it is in session. That orientations are not to be missed and to do an unsupervised tour to get a more complete impression of the atmosphere.
Some colleges offer premier support by sending freshman, and their families, lists of what to bring. Many offer a bed and bath package that includes such niceties as a bath mat, eggcrate mattress pad (they are very cool), shower caddies, extra long sheets for dorm beds and large towels, all color coordinated of course. This is the bed-in-a-bag deal that really is worth getting.
Ms. Van Steenhouse has similar lists and advice on how to negotiate setting up dorm rooms. She also offers good advice on adjusting to roommates, to students and their parents. With sample phone conversations between frantic freshman and the frenzied parent, hundreds (thousands) of miles away, Ms. Van Steenhouse provides some do’s and don’ts of not only what to say, but how to say it.
Reading about college culture is important. Parents should be aware when their presence is needed, which may be with the college’s traditional events. Many schools have Parents’ Weekend, which Van Steenhouse strongly advises parents to attend. However, she recognizes that sometimes these events are scheduled early in the first semester when freshmen are not oriented enough themselves to feel comfortable with parents on campus. She also is sensitive to the fact that it may not be possible for parents to travel to their kid’s campus. For students whose parents cannot attend, and for parents who are there, she suggests "adopting" a family, or including an unattached student. Such hooking up is good for both age cohorts.
Some of the best advice in the book regards the "what comes next." First time parents have no idea that the hardest road lies beyond the minefields of senior year, college admissions, visitations and the ultimate moving to that college of choice.
They come back.
"Home for the holidays" has a whole different dynamic in reference to college kids. What parents and kids have looked forward to can become a mess of mixed signals and miscommunication or it can be a wonderful time as adults of all ages connect in new ways.
What has been longed for and happily anticipated by both parent and child can quickly become an emotional tug-of-war. Do they really stay up all night and sleep until 2 p.m.? (In a word, yes.) Do they really think pizza is a fully balanced meal? (Duh!) Do they really think that they can come in at 3 a.m.? (No way!)
Having been in this leaky boat two times before, I got out the bailing can early when sailing with the third college kid. We did do Parents’ Weekend with Jayne and had a wonderful time over a bluebird October weekend. She was ready to have us on her territory and we enjoyed meeting her friends and even got to socialize with some of her adult advisors.
In a quiet moment as we were just hanging out, I broached the upcoming Thanksgiving break. Here’s the deal in so many words, but with an explanation of what was important to me and why. Jayne expressed her expectations and we reached a compromise on curfews, etc. a month before she was home.
We had a pleasant holiday that first year, and other holidays and summers throughout her college years.
I was not as smart with college kids number one and number two. We learn as we go.
Jayne was warmly thanked for gifting me with "Empty Nest…Full Heart." Her departure that late August, years ago, signaled her dad’s and my own transition to the intermittently empty nest. During that emotionally and physically exhausting week, we moved three kids to three universities in three states. Everyone was where he and she wanted to be, and it truly was good so why did I feel so sad?
These parent guides resonate with the parent/student experiences we had in our household and with conversations of many others parents that seem to be rather typical.
Whether you are a veteran of the young adult transitional wars, or gearing up for the battle, you will find that these books are wise and witty weapons.
Joan Ruddiman, Ed.D., is a teacher and friend of the Allentown Public Library.